Right Here Right Now Coaching

Sometimes we can let our negative self talk dominate that we haven't done a great job, because we see them make the same mistakes we have tried to stop them from;

Sometimes we have such rigid criteria of how they were supposed to turn out that it fills us with a weird feeling of failure.... but we can't exactly tell you what we wanted , we just hear the what didn't ..

Good news.. a belief shift and we are rid of that !! Then we can spend time realising that we have ages still to contribute to their life1 even if we don't know what that looks like !

See you at the webinar...
www.mywidowstoolbox.com

What you do'n this weekend?

Fun fact about me...

This is my favourite weekend of the year.

If you are dropping by or ringing for a chat, don't for the 1st hour or the last hour.

I am a Holden girl. Was a Holden girl. Nissan a close second. Favourite circuit was Hamilton NZ , because it was a street circuit and I lived down the road.

Have a great weekend!

A widow shared that her in-laws were struggling with the idea of her re-partnering.

She asked if they were "out of line"?

Another widow said "they shouldn't make you feel guilty about wanting happiness".

It got me thinking...
1) I am so freak'n lucky that I have great in-laws and that we kept the communication open.

2) I appreciate every day that they can't have another son, but I can get another husband, if I want to.
3) no-one makes you feel guilty. We do that because we feel bad about dropping the ball in some way., not meeting a standard we set ourselves.
Maybe these widows didn't feel ready to talk to their in-law family about how this new world is going to meet everyone's needs.
I get it.
It's a really tough conversation and full of emotion.
That doesn't mean avoid it. Just get a bigger box of tissues and 2 blocks of chocolate.

I like to remember that I have bonded with them and they have with me, so if I have healed enough to resourcefully step out in to the market and date that could be tough for them, as it's another reminder that the original plan broke, OR that they might lose me to another family AND loose the grandkids for a while.

Divorce has to be similar, but culturally we have the protection of hating what "they did to X".

Many families are in the middle of a barny/ family feud when someone dies. And that will be awkward as heck.

Widowhood does change us, but all the things you liked about their family are still there and still can be part of the kids lives. You make your own relationship.
Their confidence has taken a hit like yours, they are lonely as heck like you; their future is uncertain like yours.

Grief will mix baggage with loss, like like a red sock in a white wash. You might need some new skills or help with a belief and that is exactly what coaching will move you through. It's what I love doing,
Free up that part of your life to be a rich tapestry instead of an abandoned car yard. DM me.

Our experience of grief is because it's our loss. We FEEL everything, sometimes all at once.

When we are actively grieving, especially in the first 6-12 months, the grieving is a full body experience.

They are very much still a part of us, neurologically, and emotionally.

When others try to "help" us get through it quickly to reduce the pain, they can miss the human need to process resourcefully.

Time and cups of tea only go so far.

What we hear in our thoughts though isn't necessarily the truth. It's a flood and it can keep us trapped in loops.

Notice when you you can't get passed certain topics. Write those down, They are the torch to another layer of information. .

I remind myself of this often. You got this.

How long do you run the house the old way?

You probably have a decade or so of running the lights, the food shopping cycle, the towels, the maintenance, the garden, the TV shows a certain way.

For the first few months you won't realise because you are in shock , but as your mind comes back on line, a power bill might trigger you to turn off a few lights, or maybe the change in season sparks you to use the air-con that you didn't used to.

Other's won't realise how emotionally draining it can be to face these decisions.

I've spoken before about my strugles with buying steak as it comes in packs of 4 and I only need 3, and making the bed with 2 pillows on each side. The tv shows we watch on a Wednesday night took a long time to adjust to.

There is a combination of loyalty to our existing routine, to honouring them by keeping some of their "ways" alive. This will move to what you can afford adn what you have the energy for and maybe what reminds you too much of your old life.

Time doesn't fix this. The mental load needs to be shifted. Widows struggle with decisions and the kids will react to the change and the uncertainty. It can cause quite a bit of friction as you trial an error it.
I know I noticed the relief that came when I coached through this and unpacked the levels of beliefs that dominated this part of widowhood.

I coached a mum just the other day on her criteria for financial decisions and it was beautiful to watch the load drop away.

I can help you too, if this big for you right now. DM me.

Something so peaceful about getting up and watching the sunrise, listening to the birds and letting nature in to start the day.

It took some practice, a good sleep routine, opening the curtains in the morning, choosing me.

But gosh I get grounded and feel ready to face the day in a gentle way.

2-3 time a week does it. I'm not trying to be Gwenyth Paltro!
What little windows do you create for yourself?

Has your relationship with groceries changed?

Is the choosing of food, the allocating time, the planning of meals, the balancing dietary requirements, all just got too much?

For many of us the battle is real -
the crowds are noisy
the choice is limited
the quality is outweighed by the prices
Yes I could blame time, or the lack of supply, or the weather or their autism, but that's not it.

Now I am not here to lecture you on being a domestic goddess..

What I notice is that I have developed an unhealthy relationship with food and meal planning.

My kids give me feedback all the time about what they would prefer but I rush around the isles. As a widow I don't care anymore, I buy what I see as easy and will give me less rejection from the kids. I don't buy weekly, I grab when I have run out. And so I notice I crave having someone else cook me a meal, a big one, full of nutrients and sauces and care.
What’s behind this? What is the issue deeper that I haven’t been addressing?
It's that as a widowed single parent I am angry that he isn't here to help me do the nurturing, that he isn't here to like my meals or appreciate the time and effort.

Once I coached myself through this and unpacked it down to this level I realised what is needed here is to go back to the family values, to set intentions at a higher level, like a birds eye view, not in the trenches.

I have a friend who puts boundaries around her time, goes to the market and chooses the best ingredients (still on a budget) to make meals her whole family will embrace even being autistic. Her family has certainty, something to model and she is keeping her own health and capacity higher by doing this.
It's as though I am not capable of loving my effort and my nurturing, because I'm not worth that. I don't matter. Funny messages we give ourselves when we are feeling low.
If this resonates with you, I see you. You do matter and starting with our nutrition and values is a way to let that shine.

DM me, lets chat.

Grief can definitely cause us to disconnect from ideas and plans, feel empty or disassociated from what we are doing, and also crave white noise and or scrolling time.
I have learnt to put everything in my notes section of the phone as it comes up, because when the fog hits, the memory vanishes...
Many widows I speak to hate this part, they get cross or embarrassed.
Society has really loaded up the "always be productive" mindset.. but we are not in the coal mines during a war...
We are untangling decades of human bond.

Intuition will whisper "It's time to pause". I invite you to follow that.

If you are not used to your intuition, if a rowdy house of nagging was normal, then you might need some coaching, to help connect again.
DM me to explore how Widow's fog, intuition and technology can the BEST tools in your toolbox.

Ok so you don't want to do it!

Whatever it is, we have:-
- imagined up an outcome,
- created nerves about the workload
- convinced ourself we won't be liked

So our minds take that message and say " no problem I will distract you from doing this task, long enough for you to forget about it". You're welcome...

Being curious about this effort to not start, is a good way to get to the bottom of it.

If you find yourself stuck getting to the bottom of it, shoot me an email. I can inject some new perspective that can get you out of your way.
DM me.

Who were you before?

What is the image of yourself that you remember?

Did you know it is really normal to get lost in the current grief view, of ourselves.
When we see that ugly crying face often, it can make us feel despondent.

I invite you to think about one image, that you still are, that brings a smile to your face. I also invite you to mirror something today that belongs to that self image, like wearing something, or going somewhere.

The self image you remember, is the foundation of strength you can take into the next season.

Let's have a cuppa and put a simple strategy together to re-connect you to that gorgeous self image. 1 session should do it. DM me.

Who were you before?

What is the image of yourself that you remember?

Did you know it is really normal to get lost in the current grief view of ourselves. When we see that ugly crying face often, it can make us feel despondent.

I invite you to think about one part of you that your still are, that brings a smile to your face, or at least to your self image.

I invite you to mirror something today that belongs to that self image, like wearing something, or going somewhere.

The self image you remember, is the foundation of strength you can take into the next season. Let's have a cuppa and put a simple strategy together to re-connect you to that gorgeous self image. 1 session should do it. DM me