lynne robinson consulting psychologist

North Brisbane Psychologists posted this.

The unexpected gifts of covid 19

The last few years have been shocking! A Frozen reality that lay us lame! So much has been written about the negative impacts of covid on our economies, health care systems, families who lost income and also some of their precious family members, long covid, possible universal PTSD and the sheer exhaustion as if life has been slowly and methodically sucked out of us all.

As if in some Dickensian haze, it was the worst of times and the best of times: covid brought some unexpected gifts, as only life altering events can! We have fundamentally understood the value of freedom through the loss of freedom:freedom to move about as we wish, see whom we wish, when we wish.We also learnt about the unimaginable freedom to work from home, in many instances , to be even more productive than before because we could harvest time.

So many of us, previously intimidated by technology, became super users of zoom and Google meet. Our vocabulary changed. New acronyms sprung up everywhere. Families and friends explored new ways to feed our soul level craving for contact and meaningful interaction. The world became even smaller than before as multiple time zones all converged on one tech platform as we touched base with colleagues and loved ones.

As the world shrunk, new options became possible. New industries sprung up or old ones adapted...like fresh grass shoots in pockets of green after a devastating fire. A paradigm shift!

A new generation of children grow up seeing their parents work on line. It is the norm to see one parent in the bedroom, the other in the kitchen on their devices, talking to multiple people online , earning their bread and butter and to have more access to them.

As co- workers, we have windows into the lives of our colleagues that we never had before- a greater understanding of what they have to juggle to get their everydays functioning well or just functioning. May it continue to enhance our empathy levels for each other!

Sink or swim! Many of us had to swim! We had to practise agility, adaptability, acceptance, innovation and true multitasking. We were stretched beyond our own imagination. And we will never be the same again. Our to do lists may remain similar, but our beings are intrinsically and viscerally altered.

Life has a way to prepare us for our next level;to shake up the mundane and the slow decline in order to rejuvenate.

2023 is around the corner and my heart is filled with a strange mixture of sadness and gratitude; I look forward to what might lie ahead feeling more alive than ever before and I mourn the loss of dear friends. I will hold on to living with both hands even though my feet may be unsteady on uncertain ground. My stepping stones are love, kindness, gratitude, action bias, openness , faith and hope. We are human, we find a way. I am human, I have this one life, I will find my way.

Lynne Robinson
Psychologist

"...And after a long time the boy came back again.
"I am sorry, Boy," said the tree, "but I have nothing left to give you-
My apples are gone."
"My teeth are too weak for apples," said the boy.
"My branches are gone," said the tree.
"You cannot swing on them-"
"I am too old to swing on branches," said the boy.
"My trunk is gone," said the tree.
"You cannot climb-"
"I am too tired to climb," said the boy.
"I am sorry," sighed the tree.
"I wish that I could give you something... but I have nothing left. I am an old stump. I am sorry..."
"I don't need very much now," said the boy, "just a quiet pleace to sit and rest. I am very tired."
"Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could,
"well, an old stump is a good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest."
And the boy did.
And the tree was happy."
Shel Silverstein - The Giving Tree, 1964.

From Socrates to Shakespeare to every parent of a teenager, the narrative of how difficult and unmanageable they are, is the same.
Around 14 to 16 years when the hormones really kick in, we often see change in our children and these sometimes appear almost overnight! The same s*x parent often becomes the enemy! The gentle angel turns into an angry stubborn stranger! The most difficult aspect of these years is for the parents to let go of the control gently and for the teenagers to accept the control with the appropriate responsibilities. It is important however to note that if we never gave them an opportunity to experiment with responsibility then it will become a very fearful skill for them to learn especially if we expect them to simply display it in all circumstances. If we never showed them that we can listen to them and hear their views they will have difficulty to think that we will do it now. If we never gave them some freedom before they will not be able to handle it now.
An important oversight that we often make is that we forget the ancient customs in many cultures which declare boys men at age13. In girls their bodies start becoming those of women around the 43 kilogram level. We continue to treat them like children. Their bodies are adulting but their minds are not. What an incredible challenge.
Dealing with the insecurities they have in terms of self esteem, the changes in theirbodies and social acceptability imply that we have to consistently show them that we accept them and value who they are. That even if we do not approve of certain behaviours, we still love them. We need to tell them how we feel, expressing our own insecurities and fears through the ‘I message’. We need to let them know that their opinions count , that we understand that their fears in life are very real fears to them and that together we can find solutions.
They want us to listen to their fears but not necessarily to give them advice. They want us to not pry when they need privacy. When they say things are fine and we doubt that things are fine do not push the issue. However, if we fear for their lives, call in professional assistance. Career counselling often includes some type of personality measure and these can also detect whether there is something we should be aware of. Marks which suddenly drop or marked changes in behaviour call for further investigation. For most of the time though they are simply battling with the complex internal storm between still wanting to be protected and cared for and the need to fly on their own.
It helps to remember how it was for you at that age and to talk to them about it in positive times. It helps to let them feel they have a say in the rules you set and so family meetings are a good structure to set up. Be careful however to listen to their input as well and not to make it a parents versus children session. Do unto them as we would have liked to have it done unto us.
Our children are much like projects that we manage from the time that they are
born and once the turbulent teenage years have passed, the unveiling of the
completed person should emerge. The qualities and skills we would like to see inthem as adults are the ones that we have to teach them right from the start. We teach them anyhow whether deliberately or by sheer default .It is from us that they learn how to handle conflict, how to manage their finances, how to develop a positive work ethic and what love is. Consider what qualities and skills you believe are strong building blocks for successful adults. Important to include are a positive sense of self, communication skills, problem solving skills, emotional intelligence, an awareness of our impact on this planet and how to navigate life admin.
As teenagers they appear to learn only by experiencing the pain for themselves and then not always the lessons we would love them to learn.
We create environments as they grow up that either teach them that they can trust us to take care of them or that they can only trust themselves…
Kahlil Gibran says in The Prophet that our children are not our children but that they are the children of the future . We can help them to gain momentum into the future and we should not keep them stuck in the past.
Dr James Dobson’s books on parenting especially on how to raise boys, is
recommended.
STEP programme in parenting gives good advice on the family meeting and the ‘I’ message.
Dr Sarah Jayne Blakemore’s teenage brain youtube video is an excellent resource.