14/08/2023
12 Tips for Peaceful Parenting a Strong-Willed, Spirited Child
Please see last week Monday post for Tip 1 - 3:
4. Give her authority over her own body.
“I hear that you don’t want to wear your jacket today. I think it's cold and I am definitely wearing a jacket. Of course, you are in charge of your own body, as long as you stay safe and healthy, so you get to decide whether to wear a jacket. But I’m afraid that you will be cold once we are outside, and I won’t want to come back to the house. How about I put your jacket in the backpack, and then we’ll have it if you change your mind?”
She’s not going to get pneumonia, unless you push her into it by acting like you’ve won if she asks for the jacket. And once she won’t lose face by wearing her jacket, she’ll be begging for it once she gets cold. It’s just hard for her to imagine feeling cold when she’s so warm right now in the house, and a jacket feels restrictive and hot. She's sure she's right -- her own body is telling her so -- so naturally she resists you. You don't want to undermine that self-confidence, just teach her that there's no shame in letting new information change her mind.
5. Avoid power struggles by using routines and rules.
That way, you aren't the bad guy bossing them around, it’s just that
"The rule is we use the potty after every meal and snack," or "The schedule is that lights-out is at 8pm. If you hurry, we’ll have time for two books," or "In our house, we finish homework before screen time."
6. Don't push him into opposing you.
Force always creates "push-back" -- with humans of all ages. If you take a hard and fast position, you can easily push your child into defying you, just to prove a point. You'll know when it's a power struggle and you're invested in winning. Just stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that winning a battle with your child always sets you up to lose what’s most important: the relationship. When in doubt say:
"Ok, you can decide this for yourself."
If he can't, then say what part of it he can decide, or find another way for him to meet his need for autonomy without compromising his health or safety.
7. Side-step power struggles by letting your child save face.
You don’t have to prove you’re right. You can, and should, set reasonable expectations and enforce them. But under no circumstances should you try to break your child’s will or force him to acquiesce to your views. He has to do what you want, but he's allowed to have his own opinions and feelings about it.
8. Listen to her.
You, as the adult, might reasonably presume you know best. But your strong-willed child has a strong will partly as a result of her integrity. She has a viewpoint that is making her hold fast to her position, and she is trying to protect something that seems important to her. Only by listening calmly to her and reflecting her words will you come to understand what’s making her oppose you. When your child resists taking a bath, for instance, start with non-judgmental acknowledgment and curiosity:
“I hear that you don’t want to take a bath. Can you tell me more about why?”
You might elicit the information (as I did with my three year old Alice) that she’s afraid she’ll go down the drain, like Alice in the song. It may not seem like a good reason to you, but she has a reason. And you won’t find it out if you get into a clash and order her into the tub.
9. See it from his point of view.
For instance, he may be angry because you promised to wash his superman cape and then forgot. To you, he is being stubborn. To him, he is justifiably upset, and you are being hypocritical, because he is not allowed to break his promises to you, but you broke yours to him. How do you clear this up and move on? You apologize sincerely for breaking your promise, you reassure him that you try very hard to keep your promises, and you go, together, to wash the cape. You might even teach him how to wash his own clothes so you're not in this position in the future and he's empowered. Just consider how would you want to be treated, and treat him accordingly.
10. Discipline through the relationship, never through punishment.
When you want your child to change course, think in terms of support rather than force. There is no amount of force in the world that can get a truly strong-willed person to acquiesce. That just increases their resistance, because their integrity won't let them back down just because they're being threatened.
But if you give them enough support, and they feel enough connection, strong-willed kids will usually agree to do what you want, instead of what they want. Kids cooperate because there's something they want more than getting their way in the moment -- they want that warm relationship with us.
The more you fight with and punish your child, the more you undermine her desire to protect that warm connection with you. Remember that kids don’t learn when they’re in the middle of a fight. Like all of us, that’s when adrenaline is pumping and learning shuts off. So instead of trying to teach at those emotional moments, take a deep breath and connect. If she's upset, help her express her hurt, fear or disappointment, so they evaporate. Then she'll be ready to listen to you when you remind her that in your house, everyone speaks kindly to each other. (Of course, you have to model that. Your child won't always do what you say, but she will always, eventually, do what you do.)
11. Offer him respect and empathy.
Most strong-willed children are fighting for respect. If you offer it to them, they don’t need to fight to protect their position. And, like the rest of us, it helps a lot if they feel understood. If you see his point of view and think he's wrong -- for instance, he wants to wear the Superman cape to church and you think that's inappropriate -- you can still offer him empathy and meet him part way while you set the limit.
"You love this cape and wish you could wear it, don't you? But when we go to services we dress up to show respect, so we can't wear the cape. I know you'll miss wearing it. How about we take it with us so you can wear it on our way home?"
12. Connect, Connect, Connect.
Connection is 80% of parenting for all kids, because until they feel connected, they won't accept your guidance. But this is especially true for strong-willed kids. My strong-willed daughter told me when she was 21 that if someone else had raised her, she might have become a criminal. I don't think that's true, but she was, indeed, a challenging child who could never be intimidated. She only followed my "civilizing" influence because she loved and respected me. Connection will always be the most effective way to influence your strong-willed child.
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