Parent and Teen Coaching

Coaches, therapists and all those in the helping profession, this is an event not to be missed.

Join me at the Enneagram Summit for the Helping Profession, where we will explore how the Enneagram can revolutionize therapeutic practices.

Whether you're a therapist, coach, or healer, this summit will provide you with the tools and insights needed to navigate complex emotional landscapes and foster profound healing.

We'll be exploring everything from the neurobiology of the Enneagram to its application in overcoming addiction and trauma.

Don't miss out on this chance to elevate your practice and help your clients achieve lasting change.

Register for FREE today and start your journey towards becoming a more effective and insightful practitioner.

https://couplesandtheenneagram.com/summit/ref/Tracy/

My presentation is: Parenting from the inside out; How helping professionals can use the Enneagram to bring out the best of their parenting client’s personality

With the holiday break coming up it might be time to remove the TikTok app from your teens devices. See this message from the Centre for Countering Digital Hate (CCDH)

“TikTok is the social media equivalent of razor blades in candy—a beautiful package, but absolutely lethal content presented within minutes to users”

For teen girls, TikTok is the ‘social media equivalent of razor blades in candy,’ new report claims Vulnerable users are bombarded by images promoting self-harm, su***de, and eating disorders, according to the Center for Countering Digital Hate

Susan David, a Harvard psychologist and author of “Emotional Agility.” said that one of our most important jobs as parents is “helping your child show up to all emotions — not this idea that some emotions are good and some are bad, but that emotions just are.” David describes emotions as “data, not directions.” She said, “Sometimes our emotions are signposts that show us what we care about.”
read the full article here:

How simply naming emotions can help your children Put simply, when we can find the right words to label our emotions, we are better equipped to make good choices.

I love my kids’ friends so much that I want them to talk to each other at our house. So Abby and I have them check their phones at the door. Which we can do cause we’re the bosses of this house. They all act exasperated but seem interestingly relieved. Then, after a minute, they look at each other. And talk. And dance and laugh and stuff. And they remember that they are with their friends so there is no need to be anywhere else.

A great perspective to have.

Dear Mum and Dad,

Please stick with me.

I can’t think clearly right now because there is a rather substantial section of my prefrontal cortex missing. It’s a fairly important chunk, something having to do with rational thought. You see, it won’t be fully developed until I’m about 25. And from where I sit, 25 seems a long way off.

But here's what i want my parents to know..

My brain is not yet fully developed

It doesn’t matter that I’m smart; even a perfect score on my math test doesn’t insulate me from the normal developmental stages that we all go through. Judgement and intelligence are two completely distinct things.

And, the same thing that makes my brain wonderfully flexible, creative and sponge-like also makes me impulsive. Not necessarily reckless or negligent but more impulsive than I will be later in life.

Please stick with me.

So when you look at me like I have ten heads after I’ve done something “stupid” or failed to do something “smart,” you’re not really helping.

You adults respond to situations with your prefrontal cortex (rationally) but I am more inclined to respond with my amygdala (emotionally). And when you ask, “What were you thinking?” the answer is I wasn’t, at least not in the way you are. You can blame me, or you can blame mother nature, but either way, it is what it is.

At this point in my life, I get that you love me, but my friends are my everything. Please understand that. Right now I choose my friends, but, don’t be fooled, I am watching you. Carefully.

Please stick with me.

......

Here’s what you can do for me

1. Model adulting.
I see all the behaviors that you are modeling and I hear all of the words you say. I may not listen but I do hear you. I seem impervious to your advice, like I’m wearing a Kevlar vest but your actions and words are penetrating. I promise. If you keep showing me the way, I will follow even if I detour many, many times before we reach our destination.

2. Let me figure things out for myself.

If you allow me to experience the consequences of my own actions I will learn from them. Please give me a little bit of leash and let me know that I can figure things out for myself. The more I do, the more confidence and resilience I will develop.

3. Tell me about you.

I want you to tell me all the stories of the crazy things you did as a teen, and what you learned from them. Then give me the space to do the same.

4. Help me with perspective.

Keep reminding me of the big picture. I will roll my eyes at you and make all kinds of grunt-like sounds. I will let you know in no uncertain terms that you can’t possibly understand any of what I’m going through. But I’m listening. I really am. It’s hard for me to see anything beyond the weeds that I am currently mired in. Help me scan out and focus on the long view. Remind me that this moment will pass.

5. Keep me safe.

Please remind me that drugs and driving don’t mix. Keep telling me that you will bail me out of any dangerous situation, no anger, no lectures, no questions asked. But also let me know over and over and over that you are there to listen, when I need you.

6. Be kind.

I will learn kindness from you and if you are relentless in your kindness to me, someday I will imitate that behavior. Don’t ever mock me, please and don’t be cruel. Humor me-I think I know everything. You probably did as well at my age. Let it go.

7. Show interest in the things I enjoy.

Some days I will choose to share my interests with you, and it will make me feel good if you validate those interests, by at least acting interested.

One day when the haze of adolescence lifts, you will find a confident, strong, competent, kind adult where a surly teenager once stood. In the meantime, buckle in for the ride.

and.. Please stick with me.

Love,

Your Teenager

....

By Helene Wingens
https://grownandflown.com/letter-from-teen-to-parents/

Useful information from Dr. Laura markham

How to Pre-empt Whining Whining is a symptom of a deeper issue. So if you want to eliminate whining, you have to address what's underneath.

8 Fights worth picking with your kids!

8 FIGHTS WORTH PICKING WITH YOUR KIDS:

Saw this somewhere and it was immensely helpful and challenging.

Parenting is hard. Parents have to choose their battles. Here are 8 fights worth picking with your kids:

The Reading Fight:
Make your kids read. Because reading is tied to everything from cognitive development to the ability to focus. Make your kids read now.

The Outside Fight:
Make your kids go outside. The natural world teaches us things. Plus, outside there's sunshine, fresh air, and exercise waiting for them. Most importantly, nature is full of things in short supply in our world: Discovery, wonder, peace, joy.

The Work Fight:
Make your kids work. I’m saddened by how many parents don’t require their kids to lift a finger at home. There are priceless life principles you can only learn with a mop in your hand. Let sweat be their teacher.

The Meal Fight:
Make your kids eat as a family. Our lives are a blur of incessant activity. Meals together are a physical pause to recover a truth so easily sacrificed at the altar of busyness. Nothing's more important than family.

The Boredom Fight:
Make your kids live with boredom. Don't show a DVD on each car ride. Kids need unscheduled time. And, odd as it sounds, boredom is a skill. It's hard as a parent to deal with the assault of boredom complaints. But if you give in and fill up their time with external stimuli, you'll raise an activity addict. Make them learn how to be.

The "Me First" Fight:
Make your kids go last. Not every time for everything. But enough to remember that the world doesn't revolve around them. Take the smallest piece. Give up the remote. Do someone else's chores. Get their least favorite choice. They won't like it, but they need it.

The Awkward Conversation Fight:
Make your kids have uncomfortable conversations with you. S*x, dating, body image, values...Your kids will roll their eyes and resist. You will stumble and stutter. They need and want your perspective, lessons learned, and wisdom.

The Limitation Fight:
Learning to live within limits is a valuable life skill. In fact, many adult problems arise from an inability to accept them. Screen time limits, dietary limits, activity limits, and schedule limits are all good.

As a parent, you have to pick your battles. They're not easy, but they're worth the fight.

*Copied from David Morris on Twitter

Janet’s advice ties in very closely with Self Determination Theory. Intrinsic motivation is something every parent hopes their child develops. Read the article below to see some great tips.

Never Too Late for Respectful Parenting - Janet Lansbury Since most of the advice I share is focused on the infant, toddler and preschool years, parents who have older children frequently ask me, “Is it too late?” My answer is an unqualified “never.” The follow-up question is, “Great, so how do I begin?” I answer that by sharing some of the wa...

Can I remind all of us parents in the thick of raising teens that their maddening behavior is often age-appropriate?

After school, I sat working in my classroom when a big personality filled my doorframe. I smiled at my former student – I always love when graduates make the rounds, checking in with previous teachers.

He told me how he was working super hard at his job, which was weird because he didn’t like to be on time or exhibit a ton of effort in high school.

He told me how he’d found a passion, which was weird because he didn’t really seem to have any goals in high school.

He told me how he ran and lifted weights every morning, which was weird because he didn’t display that kind of self-discipline in high school.

He told me how he was taking some college courses and loving them, which was weird because he never really liked academic work in high school.

Except none of it is weird.

When he was one of my students he was incredibly likable (of course!), but while some high schoolers displayed one or two symptoms of being a teen – he displayed all of them…

Apathy.

Lack of follow-through.

Big emotions.

Grumpiness.

Preference of playing video games and being on his cell phone over all other things.

Aversion to responsibility.

When you’re in the thick of parenting (or working with) teens, it feels like they’ll never “get it.” But here’s the thing: they will mature. Much of what we see is age-appropriate.

I remembered how this family stayed the course with their son. They had routines, talked-though expectations, and boundaries. There were consequences that modeled real life as much as possible. (If you didn’t get your homework done during the week, you spent your Saturday catching up on work…just like in a career.) They created a home that listened, encouraged, guided, and nourished. They chose their battles, held the line on what was important, and gave grace when needed. And through all the ups and downs of messy life, they loved him in abundance.

As I said goodbye to the mature young man walking away, I thought about how many times in my 20+ years of teaching I’d see this exact same situation play out. Many of the teen-symptoms that drive moms crazy truly, truly, truly are temporary.

So mommas, when we're in the weeds...

We take a deep breath.

We remind ourselves raising teens is an imperfect, twisty journey.

We put things into perspective.

We give everyone grace, especially ourselves.

We know our kids need us and keep on parenting.

And we operate from a place of hope, believing that our efforts will pay off.

*Shared with permission from Cheryl Donely - Empowered Moms and Kids

A large new study looks at how much exercise and screen time teens get and how it relates to their mental health.

Why Your Teen Should Replace Screen Time With Green Time