Yvette Allen Counselling

Looking forward to retirement?
Many people look forward to retirement, but when it comes around, they are left wondering what to do.
There is only so much golf one can play, and if you don’t play golf then what can you do.
Go bush walking, only if you are fit and well or join a group, like Probus.
The advantage of this is that being with other people is of great benefit.
Meeting other people of the same age, or fitness can be of enormous benefit, as you are all trying to achieve the same end results.
Most people want to get fit or stay fit.
Some will want to lose weight.
Whatever the reason, doing the same exercises can bring you closer together and make new friends.
Having other people in your life is of benefit to all, as it opens up a new topic of conversation, perhaps it also leads you to join other groups or make new friends.
Whatever your reason for joining it is of benefit to you.
When we retire, we tend to sit and watch tv, or read a book, but after a while this becomes tedious and we then want other things in our life, that involves meeting new people, making new friends, or joining new groups of interest.
So, before you retire check out the groups in your area and join up with one or two of interest.
A whole new lifestyle is waiting for you to join in.

If you are transitioning to retirement and would like advice and guidance, then contact me at www.yvetteallen.com.au

Cookbooks as Gifts: A Tale of Two Perspectives

For many, the festive season is a time of joy, anticipation, and family gatherings.
It's a time to indulge in delicious food, share laughter and warmth, and create cherished memories.
However, for some, the holidays can also bring a sense of dread and anxiety, particularly when it comes to expectations and gift-giving.
One such gift that can elicit mixed emotions is the cookbook.
For those who enjoy cooking and exploring new culinary creations, a cookbook can be a treasure trove of inspiration and a gateway to new culinary adventures.
It's a gift that encourages creativity and the exploration of different flavours and techniques.
However, for those who feel insecure about their cooking skills or who have received overly critical feedback in the past, a cookbook can feel like a subtle hint at their perceived inadequacies.
It can trigger feelings of self-doubt and reinforce negative perceptions about their cooking abilities.
The dilemma of the cookbook gift is often amplified when it comes to mothers-in-law, who may have their own set culinary standards and preferences.
The unspoken message behind a cookbook from a mother-in-law can be interpreted as a suggestion that their cooking needs improvement, which can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration.
To avoid these awkward situations and ensure that your gift is well-received, consider the recipient's personality, cooking habits, and relationship with food.
If they enjoy cooking and are always eager to try new recipes, a cookbook can be a delightful present.
However, if they have expressed insecurities about their cooking or have received critical feedback in the past, it's best to choose a gift that doesn't focus on their culinary skills.
Instead, consider gifting them a fun cooking class, a subscription to a meal delivery service, or a set of high-quality kitchen utensils.
These gifts show appreciation for their love of food without putting unnecessary pressure on their cooking abilities.
Remember, the essence of gift-giving is to bring joy and appreciation, not to make comparisons or offer unsolicited advice.
Choose a gift that reflects the recipient's interests and preferences and ensure that it comes from a place of genuine thoughtfulness and care.

Cant' Sleep?

Tackle daytime stress and worries.
Residual stress, worry and anger from your day can make it difficult to fall asleep at night.
One reason for sleep deprivation is stress, and if this is a problem for you get some help with stress management.
Stress can come from managing work, family, or if a child’s school can keep you awake at night.
Learning how to handle stress in a productive way and to maintain a calm, positive outlook can help you sleep better at night.
Try talking over your worries during the day with a friend or loved one.
Talking face to face with someone who cares about you is a great way to relieve stress and stop you rehashing worries when it’s time to sleep.
The person does not need to fix your problems, but just needs to be an attentive, non-judgmental listener.
Harnessing your body’s relaxation response.
If you feel wound up much of the time and unable to let go stress at the end of the day, you may benefit from relaxation techniques such as meditation, yoga and deep breathing.
Not only do relaxation techniques help quiet your mind and relieve tension in the body, but they also help you fall asleep faster and get back to sleep more quickly if you wake up during the night.
Some popular smartphone apps can help guide you through the different relaxation methods.
You can also try following these techniques:
Abdominal breathing.
Take a deep breath through your nose, taking the air right down to the bottom of your lungs and filling them with air right to the top, then slowly breath out through your nose, noticing how your breath feels, perhaps cold on intake and warm on exhale.
When breathing in breath fully, deeply, noticing how your stomach inhales.
Place your hands on your stomach and feel it expand. Then slowly exhale through your mouth. Breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Progressive muscle relaxation is another method in which we can relax our body totally and allow sleep to come over you slowly.
Make yourself comfortable.
Starting with your feet, tense the muscles as tightly as you can, hold for 10 then relax.
Continue to use this method for every muscle group in your body, working up from your legs all the way up to the very top of your head.
Mindfulness meditation.
Sit quietly and focus on your natural breathing and on the way your body feels in the moment.
Allow thoughts and emotions to come and go without judgement, always returning to focus on your breath and your body.
It takes regular practice to learn these techniques and harness their stress relieving power; but the benefits can be huge.
You can do them as part of your bedtime routine, when you are lying down preparing for sleep, and if you wake up in the middle of the night you can do them again.
Yvette Allen
Yvetteallen.com.au

Understanding insomnia and its symptoms.
Insomnia is the inability to get the amount of sleep you need in order to wake up feeling refreshed and rested.
It is defined by the personal needs of each person, and how you awake feeling.
It is not the number of hours that you sleep, or how quickly you doze off.
Even if you are spending eight hours a night in bed, if you feel drowsy and fatigued during the day, you may be experiencing insomnia.
So, what are the symptoms of insomnia?
Symptoms of insomnia can include any or all the following:
• Difficulty falling asleep, despite being tired
• Trouble getting back to sleep when waking up during the night
• Waking up too early in the morning
• Not feeling refreshed after sleep
• Relying on sleeping tills or alcohol to fall asleep
• Daytime drowsiness, fatigue or irritability
• Difficulty concentrating during the day

Common causes of insomnia
How long does insomnia last?
It can range from a few nights and can resolve on its own, this is usually caused by stress, anxiety and depression, other causes can be emotional and psychological causes, including chronic or significant life changes, stress, anger, worry, grief, bipolar disorder, and trauma.
Some medical problems and illness can contribute to insomnia, including asthma, allergies, Parkinson’s disease, hyperthyroidism, acid reflux, kidney disease and cancer.
Chronic pain is also a very common cause of insomnia.
Also some prescription drugs can interfere with sleep, including some antidepressants, stimulants for ADHD, corticosteroids, thyroid hormone, high blood pressure medications and also some contraceptives.

Common over the counter culprits include cold and flue medications that contain alcohol, pain relievers that contain caffeine, i.e. Midol, Excedrin, diuretics and slimming tablets.
Insomnia is in itself a sleep disorder, but it can also be a symptom of other sleep disorders, including sleep apnea, restless leg syndrome and circadian rhythm disturbances tied to jet lay or late-night shift work.
It is important to identify all possible causes of your insomnia, including things that you are doing during the day and leading up to bedtime.
Some common causes are;
Watching TV, playing video games, use of a computer tablet or smartphone in bed.
Exercising or eating late in the evening, using blue screens late.
It is important that once defining the cause of your sleeplessness, that you change them.
Exercise and meals should be eaten prior to 7pm, use of caffeine should be stopped by 3pm.
In order to define what is attributing to your sleep deprivation, it is really useful to keep a sleep diary.
Some habits are so ingrained that you may not even consider them part of the problem.
For example, using a computer, television or any blue screen devises can cause sleep problems and you may not have associated these with sleeplessness.
So, we have discussed what not to do, and in my next blog I will give you the things that are really helpful to get a good night sleep.
Look out for my next blog, next week.
Signing off now.
Yvette Allen

The joy of a silent husband!!!
Now I have a great partner, who is wonderful, with just one little, or sometimes large glitch and that is sometimes he just goes silent, with no apparent reason that I am aware of.
This to many would not be a problem, but to someone who counsels people it tends to be a thorn in my side.
I try all the recommended ways to solve the problem or make it not a problem to me, however nothing seems to satisfy me.
This usually ends up with a few sharp words coming my way and no resolution to what I can only call a problem.

Firstly, I try to ignore it.
However, after a couple of days this proves to be too hard and does not resolve the issue.
Secondly, I say very gently that I have noticed that he is very quiet and I wonder if there is a problem and if so can I be of help.
The answer is a definite NO.
Then after another day I am getting really worried and feel I must dig deeper.
I say that I know there is something bothering him and feel that it would be of benefit to talk it over with me, especially if I am the problem. I get a definite “There is no problem, just leave me alone”.
Easier said than done. Another two days pass and still the silent monitor is on.
So I play a guessing game – Did you know……, Does that worry you?...... Answer is more silence or a definite grunt.
Then in desperation I try the “I know there is something worrying you and it is really worrying me to see you like this”
This brings out a “For goodness sake let it be, there is nothing wrong”.
Still the silence continues. I leave well alone while I rack my brains for what may be wrong, then the penny clicks I spent $190 at the supermarket, many times he has said just buy what you want and no extras.
So, I put this into practice for a week, then ask if he has noticed, the answer is No, why should he.
Now this is fighting talk, but I bite my tongue. Not an easy task for a Leo!!!!
This then leads to what I have done wrong, he answers nothing, for goodness sake just leave him alone.
Now after another couple of weeks of silence he suddenly will tell me what is worrying him.
Usually this is about the future, my spending and our finances. Now I have not bought a new outfit to wear since my daughter got married in 2019.
This of course eventually leads to my buying something new.
Then I am all dressed up and no where to GO.
So, I suggest we go out to dinner, not an expensive dinner, just a Thai or Chinese. He says OK and we go. The next day there is still silence.
Scream……………………. I just have to get to the bottom of this.
Well all that worry, all that anxiety and it turns out that he is just busy at work and it is catching up with him, but he has offloaded some to his assistant and now feels much better!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The joy of a silent husband!!!

Are you feeling stressed, anxious, or struggling with a specific issue in your life? Resource Therapy can be a powerful tool to help you overcome obstacles and achieve your goals.

As a Certified Advanced Therapist, Trainer and part of the Resource Therapy Institute, I use a variety of techniques to help you relax, access your subconscious mind, and create positive change.

Whether you want to improve your confidence, overcome a phobia, or break a bad habit, Resource Therapy can be an effective solution.

I offer personalised sessions that are tailored to your unique needs and goals.

Together, we can work towards creating a more fulfilling and satisfying life.

If you're now ready to improve your life and more importantly take control of it, schedule a session with me and start your journey to create positive change in your life!

Social anxiety is one of the most common and it is that feeling of “not being good enough”.
Many people feel this, not only in everyday life, but therapists often feel that they are on a pedestal and afraid that might fall, and this has even been given a name of pedestal syndrome.
Those feelings of not being good enough come to all types of people, even those people who are so intelligent and have two or three degrees can feel this.
I found this very surprising when I met a gentleman in a group who had four degrees and a PhD and still was studying as he felt not good enough.
So, what makes us feel this way. Often it is the fear that there will be just one question that we don’t know the answer to, and if this question is asked all that we do know will be brushed to one side and only the one that we did not know will be remembered.
Nobody, absolutely nobody has all the answers, even the best experts and specialists in their fields are still doing research to find out more. It is a never ending research, as when we find the answer to one then there are many others that come into play.
So why do we expect ourselves to know all there is to know. I believe that when we learn something new, we should all be taught to say “I am afraid I am not sure about that, or I don’t know the answer to this, but I am happy to do some research to try and find the answer.
This does not make you look silly, but on the contrary, it shows that you are human, and there is always more and more to find out. Indeed as I write this blog I am asking myself if there is more that I should know, and also what I may have missed.
It is also quite common to have social anxiety.
Many people that are in the face of the cameras on a personal level suffer from social anxiety.
Being a therapist, one would think that this would not apply to me, but indeed it does. I can stand up in front of a large audience and teach, but take me to a function where I don’t know people and you would find me sat hidden away in a corner and hoping no one would approach me.
So, what is the reason we feel this way. It can arise from many different sources, and this is where talking with your therapist can help, as they help you to understand yourself and the reasons why this may have occurred.
Therapists are there to help you. When you visit a therapist you can be assured that your visit will be totally private and you can tell them anything that you need to. It helps to get it off your chest!!
As a therapist myself I have heard all sorts of things and have never shown shock or anxiety or disgust at what I am hearing. I look to ways of helping people, not to judge, or condemn.
It does not make my clients a lesser person when they discuss their problems with me, it does not make me feel less of them or more.
My clients are people who are seeking help and my purpose as a therapist is to try and help them to the best of my ability or to refer them on, if their problem is out of my scope of practice.
If this sounds like you, contact me and let’s have a chat.
www.yvetteallen.com.au

Sometimes life seems to be a constant struggle, and at these times we need a little help.
This can be a good friend to talk to, an understanding spouse, or your therapist. It can present in many different forms too.
Fear of presenting on stage or to a group of people is one of the most common, and social fear is another common struggle.
Being able to admit to this is hard, and that is where a therapist is a great help.
Of course, when you talk with a therapist you can be assured that whatever is discussed it will stay between you and your therapist. Obviously when you first visit a therapist it can take a little while to entirely trust that therapist.
Remember that part of that therapist’s training is focused on the privacy act, and what the exceptions are to break that trust, one is if your therapist feels that you are at risk of committing su***de or harming yourself or others.
Your therapist will usually tell you if they feel they need to bring in support to stop you harming yourself or others. The therapist will usually inform you if this action needs to be taken and explain why. Having said that anything that is not threatening will stay between you and your therapist. Knowing this can help you reach out to a therapist.
The other reason for not seeing a therapist is that you may feel you do not want to share, as it is shameful, or disgusting. Having been a therapist for nearly 50 years I can tell you that there is nothing you can tell your therapist that will shock them. The therapist job is not to judge, it is to help you to find new ways to live your life with better options and find help where needed.
Many ladies who are being abused carry with them this shame and feel that they cannot talk about it for fear of it getting out.
This is not a realistic fear of your privacy being broken. Your therapist may suggest ways to help your situation, but they do not insist that you do this. It is your life and your options.
There are many different forms of anxiety, shame and that feeling of not being good enough.
So let us look at just one today and the rest in my next blog.
This anxiety is one of the most common and it is that feeling of “not being good enough”.
Many people feel this, not only in everyday life, but therapists often feel that they are on a pedestal and afraid that might fall, and this has even been given a name of pedestal syndrome. Those feelings of not being good enough come to all types of people, even those people who are so intelligent and have two or three degrees can feel this.
I found this very surprising when I met a gentleman in a group who had four degrees and a PhD and still was studying as he felt not good enough.
So, what makes us feel this way.
Often it is the fear that there will be just one question that we don’t know the answer to, and if this question is asked all that we do know will be brushed to one side and only the one that we did not know will be remembered. Nobody, absolutely nobody has all the answers, even the best experts and specialists in their fields are still doing research to find out more.
It is a never ending research, as when we find the answer to one then there are many others that come into play. So why do we expect ourselves to know all there is to know. I believe that when we learn something new, we should all be taught to say “I am afraid I am not sure about that, or I don’t know the answer to this, but I am happy to do some research to try and find the answer.
This does not make you look silly, but on the contrary, it shows that you are human, and there is always more and more to find out. Indeed as I write this blog I am asking myself if there is more that I should know, and also what I may have missed. It is also quite common to have social anxiety.
Many people that are in the face of the camera’s on a personal level suffer from social anxiety. Being a therapist one would think that this would not apply to me, but indeed it does. I can stand up in front of a large audience and teach, but take me to a function where I don’t know people and you would find me sat hidden away in a corner and hoping no one would approach me.
So, what is the reason we feel this way.
It can arise from many different sources, and this is where talking with your therapist can help, as they help you to understand yourself and the reasons why this may have occurred.
Therapists are there to help you. When you visit a therapist you can be assured that your visit will be totally private and you can tell them anything that you need to. It helps to get it off your chest!!
As a therapist myself I have heard all sorts of things and have never shown shock or anxiety or disgust at what I am hearing. I look to ways of helping people, not to judge, or condemn. It does not make my clients a lesser person when they discuss their problems with me, it does not make me feel less of them or more.
My clients are people who are seeking help and my purpose as a therapist is to try and help them to the best of my ability or to refer them on, if their problem is out of my scope of practice.
Therapists are there to help. Just remember that.
www.yvetteallen.com.au

Have you made New Year Resolutions? Every year many of us make New Year Resolutions and generally by mid to end of January we have stated to break them. So why do we make them?
When we make a new year resolution it is with the hope that in making that resolution, by putting pen to paper, we are making a contract with ourselves and believe that in doing so it will give us the strength to keep them. So how come we break them? Perhaps it is because the resolution was not really something that we wanted to go, or perhaps we thought that in doing so it would encourage use to keep them. Out of 10 resolutions, by mid to late January I believe I would have broken at least 8 of them. Is it because we have no intention of keeping them, or is it that it is too bigger ask. When it is a too bigger ask, then perhaps that resolution is the one important one that you need help with and that may be a visit to a Counsellor who may help you to either fulfil your resolution or get to the bottom of whether we really want to do so, or is it that we feel that we ought to do so. It is a complicated decision and one that we need help with.

Giving up smoking is one that is on the top of many smokers lists and it may work cold turkey for a few days, and then we become a different person, and quite often it will be the partner who says
“for goodness sake have a cigarette, I cant cope with your foul moods”. Now this is the person that has been nagging you to quit and now they are giving you permission to carry on smoking. Perhaps this is a time to get help to fulfil your wish to quit smoking. Hypnosis and Resource Therapy are two of the most popular ways to get help and it seems to make things a lot easier and it can only take a few sessions, which will be much less than you will have spent on ci******es!.

On a personal note I went from smoking 60 ci******es a day to nothing. Cold turkey. I cannot say that I was easy to live with, and my husband did not say he had noticed I was not smoking. Was I grumpy, you bet I was. No one was excluded from my snappy chappy phase! If only I had know how easy it would have been with hypnosis to help me. Just one or two sessions and that is it. No snappy chappy phase and an easy transition without the need to fill your mouth with sweets.
My clients tell me it is the same with diet and with some other addictions, although strong drug addiction is not one I claim to have success with.

My goal this year, and it is not a new year resolution, is to review my dietary intake and up my iron and Vit D levels. Of course losing some weight would be a great benefit too. However, one thing at a time.
This new year I am going to focus on how fortunate I am with my life. I have many plus factors, although I do not always appreciate them, as generally we tend to focus on the negatives, or should I say I do. But no more. Each day I will go through all the benefits I have and I am sure I will be much better for it. I will keep you informed.

If you need help with keeping your new year resolutions such as giving up smoking or dieting, give me a call and we can have a short chat free of charge and work out whether therapy would work for you, and what type of therapy would be of benefit.

Visit my website yvetteallen.com.au and look at what I can offer.

What is it about Christmas that can either excite us, leave us feeling stressed and bewildered, or beaming with delight?
As a child I was excited and thought that sleep would never come on 24 December, and when my daughter was a child, she had all the same excitement. Each Christmas morning, she would awake at dawn, and the first question out of her mouth would always be “Has he come yet?”. Now at 3am the answer would be “Not yet, go back to sleep now as he won’t come until you are asleep”. Next awakening would be around 5.30am and this time he would have been. The excitement was incredible, she would beam with absolute delight to see all the beautiful colorful parcels and her little face would show excitement and absolute joy as she carefully unwrapped her presents. Until me, as I was always a shredder of paper wrappings, and as a matter of fact I still am.
Now as an adult Christmas means shopping for groceries, presents, cards, calendars, and always one or two “Belated Christmas Greetings”, because I always managed to forget one or two people to whom I sent Christmas cards.
So, what has changed. Now cards tend to be sent electronically, presents came already wrapped by the store (more often than not) and the colorful decorations, and the paper chains we used to spend hours making and putting up, no longer seem to be in fashion.
Children whilst still believing in Father Christmas are still excited.
Mums are still worrying about the groceries, and have I forgotten any presents?
Dads tend to be indifferent, except to check the bank balance!!!!
Now for some people Christmas is now just another day, gone are all the family, presents received are no longer exciting as they used to be, children ask for presents that are electronic and very expensive. The cost of groceries makes it difficult to purchase all that you would like. And the cost of food has made it impossible for many to get the basics that they would love to have.
It is no longer a time when you had just a stocking filled with fruit, nuts and small gifts, rather, it has become a battle of getting the correct version of the latest electronic games etc.
Finally does religion still play a part in Christmas? For me it does, I love the carols and going to church on Christmas morning, seeing all the young faces so excited and happy. Having a mince pie and a cuppa after the service, and for some people who are on their own it is the happiest time of the day.
So let us think of Christmas’ past and enjoy this year. If you know someone who will be on their own perhaps you could invite them for tea, or dinner, or just for a Christmas drink.
God bless you one and all

Teenage Su***de
Teenage Su***de rates are on the increase.
There are more su***des than road deaths, and for every su***de reported there are 100 to 200 more attempted su***des.
These deaths are not only traumatic for the individual but also all their friends and the whole school where they attend.
It seems to be that it is the easy way out for many, who have tried other methods, perhaps alcohol, or drugs.
These teenagers don’t want to feel desperate, and it is not an easy way out and a selfish act, nor is it an attempt to get attention.
It is a deep-seated depression that drives them, they cannot see any way out, they are desperate and it is no use telling them to pull their socks up, or to cheer up.
The danger is that when they find an out in the form of su***de it is like all their worries and concerns are lifted and that they finally have an answer, so they may even appear to have cheered up, and this is a sign that should be looked for.
We can ask ourselves what is causing all these su***des, it may be pressure to achieve, it may be that they feel that they are letting people down, or it could be peer pressure.
There are a lot of teens that are cyber bullied too, which can be another source.
Whatever the reason if you feel your child is at risk seek help.
Your GP can be the first step, but antidepressants are not always the answer.
A mental health assessment is more useful, and then get help from a psychologist, counsellor or psychiatrist.
They need to be able to talk in a safe environment, they need to feel safe that what they say is held in strictest confidence, unless they appear to be in imamate danger of committing su***de then action will be taken.
Teens find it very hard to talk to those close to them, sometimes they may have one friend who they confide in, but this is not usual.
There were 927 reported deaths in 2020.
If you or someone you know is suffering, please contact me on 0411 407149

Your choice - $$$ or Your Peace of Life

Approximately 30 years ago it seemed that nobody left a job with a high salary to work for $40K less.

This translates to the fact that people did not work from home, they may well have worked a 10 hour day, but after that their time was their own.

No mobile phones ringing, no expectation of being available outside working hours, it may have been a busy day, but there was a beginning and an end to that day.

Now, and since Covid, people have become used to working from home, hosting meetings after hours on Zoom and being available 24/7 as part of the terms of employment of highly paid jobs.

Their jobs have no start time, and no finish time.

No plans can be made ahead of time for a family night out, or a weekend away, it is all work and no regard to family time.

It could, and often is thought that high pay means you are owned by the company and the family comes second, although I don’t believe that many companies would own up to this.

When applying for a position perhaps one of the most important questions to ask is what your policy on hours is worked, and working from home.

What is the family value?

Being a counsellor, I see many people who suffer from work burn out, and also people that are so stressed but the dollar keeps them in the job.

However, this is changing.

People are happier to earn less and have a work/life balance.

Perhaps we are beginning to value a walk along a beach, or playing with kids in the garden, even going for a family day at the park, where we can be happy with a picnic, homemade.

Children can play footy with all the family, or play hide and seek, or skipping, the options are endless.

Safety must always come first naturally. When children don’t have family values and are exposed to constantly not seeing Dad or Mum every night, or don’t know the value of a bedtime story, then this leads, in my opinion, to unhappy, unbalanced children, whose value is connected to a mobile phone, and heaven only knows what they are being exposed to.

Wake up people and well done to those people who have opted for less money and a family life, children will survive without a up to the minute mobile phone and/or laptop, but the loss of a balanced family far outweighs the quickly passing joy of a modern phone.

Think ahead, if we set the balance in favour of monetary rewards instead of family life, then our children will be exposed to high stress levels, higher levels of su***de, and children that grow into unbalanced adults.

Do you believe that the mighty dollar is more important than family life?
Think about it and the future before answering this question.

Many of my clients have trouble trying to find an answer on their own and I help them to evaluate and look forward in their lives.

Does the $ outweigh everything, or should it be we earn enough to live comfortably and have a healthy work life balance.

Check out my website if you need to know more - yvetteallen.com.au