09/08/2023
The other day I was talking to a client of mine and she is "wound-up really tightly" (her words) and all she wants to do, is to slow down, relax, find a pause, but feels the need to finish her to-do list first. The to-do list she is majority self-generating as a single woman in a stable corporate job with no kids.
This was me a few years ago. I desperately wanted to slow down but I didn't know how.
I woke up every morning feeling I needed to run somewhere, to be constantly improving. School, work, dance competitions etc.
I always had a list of things to do and places to be. When I didn't have anything to do, I'd start a new project, renovate an apartment or say yes to a work trip where I took on three people's workload.
It led to a burnout at 28 and the start of my personal development journey for survival.
I started doing the things "for my mental health" to be able to keep working for a bit longer:
✨Meditation
✨Journaling
✨Trauma release work
✨Tantra
✨And many many courses
I am so grateful for them!
It has taken a long time to realise I was applying the same intentions as before. Trying to heal myself as quickly as possible. Trying to have the perfect recovery.
The meditations and the journaling became the new 'to-do list', I begun to put so much emphasis on doing the things that I forgot the concept. If I didn't do the meditation I had failed. If I failed what was the point of trying again, it was all or nothing. I did them "because it's good for me". I worked on the outer layers to help me cope but wasn't changing the deeper beliefs around my perfectionism as it's hard to see our own blind spots. And I was using my old mentality of pushing with willpower instead of doing something for the joy of it, the desire of it, the feel of it, the hunger for it, I did it to survive not to thrive on a deeper level.
So I moved to the other side of the planet, changed carers and relationships. I started feeling like I had healed a lot from my burnout and had it under control. I started feeling ok.
I'm so grateful for the changes I have done so far but this year has lifted things to the surface I had unconsciously surpressed long ago.
2023 has made me realise
❌I wasn't healing my burnout by changing careers and places to live in the world (a nervous system in flight)
❌I wasn't changing my inner stories and beliefs of needing to look perfect from the outside. (Self image & wanting to belong)
❌I wasn't helping anyone or fooling anyone except myself when I thought I will get something done if I have the constant feeling of stress over me, which used to be my fuel, working hard to run away from potential pain.
❌I wasn't healing myself from my perfectionism, I was avoiding it.
This year my intention has been stepping up in my business. Through this, my old stories came back VERY strong.
It's time to change the intention from surviving to thriving.
So, by tapping into my body
✨ Instead of rushing out of bed in the morning, I give myself time to feel the sheets, take in the room, breath and enjoy the fact that I have another day on this planet. And if this starts to feel like a to-do list, I'll change it.
✨ I have cried and talked and cried out things that my inner child desperately needed to get off her chest, and see that she didn't need to carry any longer.
✨ I have started setting boundaries and speaking up more clearly about what I want and don't want in my life.
✨ I have started working with my body, capacity, energy level and period cycle. We are not machines, we are humans needing recovery time to be able to be our best.
So, if you recognize yourself, trying to run away from pain, hiding yourself in perfectionism, getting stuck in the doing instead of living, having difficulty receiving pleasure from the small things around.
Then it's time to learn how to say STOP, come into your body and regulate your nervous system. You got this!
And if you need some support, feel free to reach out 💖
