29/08/2026
Marriage is about s*x, give it to your husband even when upset, court orders Lusaka woman
THE Matero Local Court has ordered a 27 year old woman to go and twist her waist in bed like Tshala Muana for her husband until the matrimonial bedroom is turned upside down, after she was accused of having a tendency of denying him s*x whenever they had a misunderstanding.
Magistrate Harriet Mulenga had to remind Lyness Kalewa that marriage was not for watching football matches that see most teams like Manchester United lose but for ruthless game gymnastics that result in scoring goals like Arsenal did last Friday.
The magistrate also took Lyness through a refresher course in the marital syllabus, which demands that no matter what happens in the house, horizontal refreshments for two opposite genders living in the same house must continue, and wives must be available to quench the thirst of their husbands even on days when they are not talking to each other.
Lyness was in court seeking reconciliation with her 34 year old husband, John Kalenga, who, like Miss Tokyo's husband, had even paid lobola in full.
She shared that the two got married in 2024 and, for a full year, their marriage was as clean as Simon Mwewa Lane, the cleanest street in Lusaka.
But the marriage started getting dirty when Lyness began knocking off late from her business, making her husband uncomfortable.
This led him to chase her away from their matrimonial home whenever she returned home after 17:00 hours.
And so, Lyness was seeking the court's intervention to reconcile her with her husband and make him understand that her business usually booms after 17:00 hours and that she has to stay a bit longer to make some sales.
However, when the court gave John a chance to give his testimony, it was discovered that Lyness was the problem, as she treated her husband like the biblical Moses by allowing him to see the "Promised Land" but not enter it.
John narrated to the court that he resorted to chasing he