MySoetlief

Sometimes our children don't answer the request...
They answer the interruption.
Sometimes a child's words arrive before their thinking has caught up.
That doesn't mean we ignore disrespect.
I've written the full article about what this ordinary morning taught me as a parent.
✨ Send me a message with "Article" if you'd like me to send it to you.

When Your Child Responds Before They've Even Thought
It started with an ordinary morning
This morning my youngest daughter reminded me how easy it is to misunderstand our children when we only listen to their words. She was completely absorbed in designing invitations for her birthday, carefully choosing colours and thinking about how she wanted to invite her friends. Meanwhile, my mind was somewhere entirely different. I knew her lovebird would soon become noisy, I knew my husband would probably become frustrated by it, and I had a long list of things waiting for my attention. So, from my perspective, it simply made sense to remind her to take the bird out.
"Okay," she answered.
A little while later the bird was still chirping, so I reminded her again. This time her tone changed immediately. It carried irritation. When I asked what she was doing, she answered, "Something." When I asked what the "something" was, she responded, "Okay... I don't have to do this now then." A few moments later she walked into the room, picked up the bird’s cage and quietly started cleaning it.
When words and behaviour tell different stories
As I stood there watching her, something didn't quite fit. None of her responses had answered my questions, yet her behaviour told a completely different story. She had heard my request. She knew exactly what needed to happen. Somehow her actions and her words seemed to be telling two different stories, and I found myself wondering which one I should be listening to.
If I'm honest, I could also feel something tightening inside me. At first, I thought it was because she hadn't immediately moved towards what I had asked. But as I reflected on it, I realized that wasn't true. I knew she was deeply involved in something that mattered to her, and I know from working with children every day that moving from one activity to another is not always easy. What unsettled me most was the way she spoke to me. Her tone felt disrespectful, and like many parents, I immediately found myself searching for the right response.
Looking at the first response
The more I thought about that small interaction, the more I realized that children often respond before they have fully thought. A request interrupts whatever they are doing. Before the thinking part of the brain has had time to process what has been asked, the emotional part has already reacted. The words arrive first. The thinking follows afterwards.
Only then does the brain begin asking questions of its own. What did Mom ask? What do I need to stop doing? What happens next? Can I come back to what I was busy with afterwards? Sometimes the first words we hear are not a child's considered answer at all. They are simply the first response to being pulled away from something that already had their full attention.
Two conversations waiting to happen
That realization didn't excuse the way my daughter had spoken to me, but it did help me separate two very different conversations. By the time she came to fetch the bird cage, she was already doing what I had asked. Correcting the delay no longer made sense because there was no longer a delay to correct. What still mattered, however, was our relationship.
So I stopped her for a moment and told her something very simple. I explained that I had deliberately tried to keep my own voice calm and respectful because I knew she had been busy with something exciting, but that I hadn't liked the way she had spoken to me. It wasn't a lecture or an argument. It was simply a conversation about how we speak to the people we love.
The lesson I almost missed
What fascinated me was what happened afterwards. For the rest of the day, I noticed her becoming much more aware of the way she responded to me. It was as though separating the transition from the relationship had allowed her to actually hear what I was trying to teach. Had I tried correcting everything at once—the delay, the tone, the emotion and the request—I suspect she would have heard very little.
That morning left me with two lessons I hope I remember. The first is that children sometimes answer the interruption before they answer the request. The second is that understanding why a child reacted doesn't mean ignoring how they communicated. The request still mattered. The relationship still mattered. They simply didn't have to be taught in the same moment.
Sometimes the next lesson can wait
Perhaps that's one of the quiet wisdoms of parenting. We don't always have to correct everything at once. Sometimes our children need a little time for their thinking to catch up with their first reaction, and sometimes we need a little time to decide which lesson belongs to this moment. If we can make that distinction, we may discover that what first looked like defiance was often a child still making their way from one place to another.

As parents, one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is not trying to make them all respond the same way. It's becoming curious about how each of them experiences the world.
When curiosity replaces frustration, understanding begins to grow.
In the full article, I explore why siblings can experience the same world so differently, how to recognise these patterns, and how understanding them can bring more peace into your family.
If you'd like to read the full article, simply comment "Article" below or send me a message, and I'll happily send it to you.

Why Two Children Can Experience the Same World So Differently
I still remember sitting at the dining room table as a child, crying because of the sound of my dad chewing. To everyone else it was simply supper. To me, it felt unbearable.
My sister's experience couldn't have been more different. Sounds hardly seemed to bother her at all, but peas would make her gag. We grew up in the same home, around the same table, yet we experienced the world in completely different ways.
Years later, I watched the same thing happen with my own daughters. One is sensitive to loud chewing, while the other dislikes the feeling of sweating so much that she once told me she didn't want to play sport because she didn't like being sweaty.
As a therapist, I now see this in families almost every week. One child covers their ears when their siblings are noisy. Another needs a huge amount of personal space. The youngest seems to fill the whole house with movement and sound.
Same family.
Same home.
Completely different experiences.
Sometimes our children aren't reacting differently because they're trying to be difficult. They're reacting differently because their nervous systems are experiencing the very same environment in different ways.
When we begin to understand that, frustration often gives way to curiosity, and curiosity creates room for compassion.
This is only a small part of the conversation.
In the full article, I explore why siblings can experience the same world so differently, how to recognise these patterns, and how understanding them can bring more peace into your family.
If you'd like to read the full article, simply comment "Article" below or send me a message, and I'll happily send it to you.

Sensitive Children Are Not Weak Children

When my eldest daughter was little, I often found myself wondering how she was going to cope with life. She cried easily, took things deeply to heart, and seemed affected by situations that other children simply brushed off. As her mother, I couldn't help wondering whether the world was simply going to be harder for her.

Years later, I realised I wasn't the only parent asking those questions. Families began arriving in my consulting room describing children who seemed to experience life more intensely. They worried deeply, became overwhelmed by change, took correction personally, or reacted strongly to what appeared to be small things.

For a long time, many of us have assumed these children simply need to "toughen up."

But what if we've been asking the wrong question?

The more I worked with these children, the more I realised they weren't necessarily reacting more—they were often experiencing more.

Some notice sounds, lights, textures and movement that others barely register. Others pick up tension in a room before a word has been spoken. Some replay conversations for days, while others experience both joy and disappointment with remarkable intensity.

Their nervous system is simply carrying more of the world.

That small shift in understanding changes everything.

Instead of asking, "How do I make my child less sensitive?" we begin asking, "How can I help my child carry everything they experience?"

Because sensitivity isn't only what makes life harder. It is often what allows children to become compassionate, thoughtful, perceptive adults who notice the people and moments that others miss.

The goal is never to remove a child's sensitivity.

The goal is to help them build the strength and capacity to carry it well.

Sensitive children are not weak children. Sometimes they're simply carrying far more of the world than we can see.

If you'd like to read the full article, which explores this idea in much more depth and introduces the Flood and Sift concept I use with families, simply leave a "Full Article" in the comments or send me a message, and I'll gladly send it to you.

The Explosion Is Simply the End of a Story
School pickup was normal. You even stopped at the store on the way home. Homework was done. The children were playing together. You gave the usual warning that it was almost bath time, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
Then suddenly... your child explodes.
Screaming. Crying. Doors slamming.
The first thought that races through most parents' minds is, where did THAT come from?
What makes it so confusing is that the trigger often seems too small. Bath time. Shoes. Switching off the television. The reaction feels far bigger than the moment.
I remember one Saturday when my youngest daughter was excited about a birthday party. She bounced around the house all morning, full of energy and anticipation.
Then we arrived.
She stepped out of the car... and her little motor crashed.
Later I realized that the crash didn't begin when she got out of the car. That was simply the first moment I noticed the story that had been building all morning.
Children are often like that.
Even on an ordinary day, they're constantly thinking, adjusting, coping, waiting, filtering, managing disappointments and carrying excitement. Most of that work happens quietly, where we can't see it.
Adults aren't much different. We've all had days where one small comment or request feels like the last straw—not because of that moment alone, but because of everything that came before it.
That changed the way I started looking at my children.
I stopped seeing explosions.
I started seeing endings.
The ending of a story about tiredness. Excitement. Holding it together. Disappointment. Or a hundred tiny demands that quietly filled the engine until there was simply nowhere left for the pressure to go.
My husband used to remind me, "Who is five, and who is thirty-five?"
At first, I hated hearing it. Later I understood.
He wasn't asking me to ignore my feelings. He was reminding me of who had the greater capacity to carry the moment.
Our job isn't simply to respond to the explosion.
It's to become curious about the story that came before it.
This is only a shortened version of the article. If you'd like to read the complete essay, simply email [email protected] and I'll happily send it to you.

Why Good Children Sometimes Have Very Bad Days
You've probably seen this before.
A mother is standing in the checkout queue.
Her child spots the sweets.
“No.”
Within seconds, the tears come. Then the screaming. Sometimes, the child sinks to the floor.

Everyone turns to look.
Some people think, “That child is spoiled.”
Others think, “That parent should be firmer.”

But what if the sweets were never really the problem? What if they were simply the final straw in a day that had already become too heavy?

Maybe the child woke up earlier than usual. Maybe breakfast was not enough. Maybe school felt loud, busy and overwhelming. All day, they had to concentrate, listen, wait, and move from one thing to the next: Maths, reading, break, class, aftercare, and then the shops.

Their body has managed one transition after another. Their nervous system has been working all day—filtering sounds, lights, people, expectations and disappointments.

Then, while they are waiting in a long queue, they see something they really want.
Mom says no.
The sweets did not create the meltdown. They were simply the last straw.

As adults, we often judge children by the one moment we happen to see.
But children live a whole day before we meet them in that moment.
A tired child has less flexibility.
A hungry child has less self-control.
A child overwhelmed by noise, lights or people has fewer resources for problem-solving.
A child who has moved through many transitions may simply have reached the limit of what their nervous system can manage.

Understanding this does not mean we buy sweets. The answer can still be no. The boundary can still stay in place. But our view softens. Instead of seeing a naughty child, we begin to see a tired, overwhelmed one.
Instead of asking, “How do I stop this behaviour?” we can gently ask, “What has my child been carrying today?”
Good children don’t suddenly become bad children. Sometimes, their little body simply has nothing left to give.

Your Child Is Not Giving You a Hard Time. They May Be Having a Hard Time.
I've never woken up in the morning wanting to shout, argue or purposefully upset my kids.
Yet somehow, some days, it just falls into my lap.
Sometimes it's the early morning refusal to get dressed. Or the slow-moving snail in my kitchen—my daughter—who I swear, is testing my patience by eating as slowly as humanly possible. Or maybe I'm simply seeing it through a slow-motion lens.
If I'm lucky enough to escape a hard time in the morning, many days don't disappoint. It simply shows up later as resistance to taking a shower or switching off the television.
The thing is, these meltdowns are often so much bigger than the issue itself.
I often stand amazed and wonder, "Why are they behaving like this?"
The thing is, I think the better question is, "What might this behaviour be trying to tell me?"
I've discovered that kids' behaviour is rarely just behaviour.
I'd compare it to meeting a foreigner who knows only a few words of my language and has to rely on gestures for everything else. The thing is, if I responded to the gestures instead of trying to understand what the foreigner was communicating, it would be disastrous.
Sometimes children simply don't yet have the words to tell us what is happening inside them. So, their bodies speak first. Their behaviour becomes the language.
A slammed door may be saying, "Everything feels too much."
Refusing to put on shoes may be saying, "Something doesn't feel right."
A child who keeps arguing may actually be saying,b"I feel overwhelmed, but I don't know how to explain it."
This doesn't mean every behaviour should be accepted.
Children still need guidance.
They still need boundaries.
They still need to be taught.
When we only see the behaviour, we naturally focus on stopping it. But like with the foreigner, if we become curious about the message underneath, we begin helping the child instead of only correcting the behaviour. Imagine me trying to correct the foreigner's gestures. Ridiculous.
I recall one day my husband and I made our three-year-old daughter walk from one side of a shopping mall to the other. She refused to walk and wanted to be picked up. We kept putting her down because we knew she was perfectly capable of walking.
When we got home, she sat down......took off her shoe......and a Lego block fell out.
There I learnt something I've never forgotten. Even though she was verbally strong, she still didn't have the ability to communicate her experience. The only thing she knew was that if she was struggling, she could ask Mom or Dad to carry her. The problem was that we looked at her behaviour and didn't try to understand her experience.
To us, her wanting to be carried, when she was perfectly capable of walking, was the problem. Yet it wasn't. The Lego block was. We failed to find this when she was trying to communicate this to us in her action.
Many children's behaviours work the same way.
The behaviour is the wanting to be carried.
Our job is to gently look for the Lego block.
The Lego block may be tiredness, hunger, anxiety, disappointment and sometimes the brain is simply overwhelmed.
The thing is that kids often don't know how to explain what they're feeling.
Curiosity doesn't replace boundaries. It simply changes where we begin.
Instead of asking, "How do I stop this behaviour?"
We first ask, "What could this behaviour be communicating?"
That small shift often changes everything. Because children who feel understood become much easier to guide.
Not because we've become softer, but because we've started helping the real problem.
Next week we'll explore one of the biggest reasons children struggle to communicate through words......and why behaviour often speaks long before language does.

Regular water and food intake may help your child regulate emotions and behaviour while allowing for greater school performance.
By – Cynthia Linde

As a parent my desire for my children is to achieve the highest bracket in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs – Self-actualization. For my kids to reach their full potential Maslow cautions us to start by laying the correct foundation by ensuring that they drink water, eat, and get enough sleep.

What does research suggest?
Research has produced results over several years proving the importance between water, food, regulation, sleep, and the effect it has on a child’s emotions and behavior. For the purpose of this article I want to discuss in short the importance of water and food.

Water
1. Water and the body
Water is the largest single constituent of the human body, making up approximately 75% of a child’s human body.

2. Avoid dehydration factors.
Children need to drink water to stay hydrated and avoid drinks such as juice, tea and coffee, soft drinks and energy drinks that may further dehydration. Pure clean water is the best way to keep your child hydrated.

3. Water and feelings/emotions
Body water deficits may cause fight and flight mode leading to increased feelings of anxiety and depression as well as other symptoms. A child may feel tired, dizzy, lightheaded, having a dry mouth, lips and eyes (scratching and irritation).

4. Water and academic performance
Increased drinking water quantity may also improve educational outcomes through the effect of hydration on attention, concentration, and short-term memory. A BBC study found that students drinking water during an exam or test performed, on average, 5% better compared to those who didn’t.

Food
Regular, healthy, small snacks every 2 – 3 hours will provide your child’s body with the necessary fuel for body and brain.
I work mostly with children who expereince negative emotions and/or exhibit negative behaviour. I have found small nutritious snacks every 2 hours to be extremely effective in regulating a child’s emotions and behaviour.

1. Food emotions and behavior
Studies have found that when children pass the 2–3-hour mark since their last meal they start to expereince others as judgement, criticizing and attacking. No surprise that a child that has not eaten for several hours may end up fighting and exhibiting negative behaviour towards friends, fellow students, teachers, and parents.

2. Food and friends
A UK study found hanger (hunger+anger) to be real – hunger was reported to be associated with great levels of anger and irritability and lower levels of pleasure.

I have found children in my office to find very little pleasure from highly pleasurable situations, environments, and social interaction when they don’t snack regularly. Others are experienced as negative towards them and even in interaction they experience others as judgmental, rude, and unfair.

Experts say that negative emotions and their effect is substantial, even when considering the individual’s life.

3. Food and academic performance
Many studies have proven that the consumption of breakfast, regular snacks, protein, and fruit was found to have higher academic achievement.

A 2021 study found the order of a meal may impact blood glucose levels – it is advised protein and/or fat be eaten before carbohydrates – a sudden carb spike (from) may cause tiredness and fatigue shortly after eating it.

Proteins can raise a child’s deep thinking and improve memory.

Research recommends steering your child away from saturated fats since it reduces brain signals for thinking and memory.

Conclusion
I have been working with kids for 25year. In the past 10 years I have realized the immense effect water and food have on a child’s emotions, social interaction, and academics.

A child is a holistic being and as a parent I strive towards balance.

Considering all the overwhelming evidence from research and experience in my work and my own children, I believe Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to be true - water and food forms the foundation of a child’s ability to reach actualization and fulfilment in life.

Next time your child is unhappy, sad, upset, angry or irritable start giving them water and food – you might be surprised when last they consumed it.

Please take note: I am not and by no means claim to be a nutritionist. The advice and recommendations made were extracted from research. It is advised that you consult a nutritionist if uncertain, concerned or need professional guidance.

See what Soetlief Founder, Cynthia, has to share with us today!



THE UNCOMFORTABLE NEW SHOE – BLISTERS & PLASTERS

You're trying to walk in it like normal.
But your feet seem to cringe, shift, and move in a different direction than the shoe.
You might even need a plaster or two for the blisters.
I even got a cramp in my toes once from gripping to the bottom of the shoe.
The thing with new shoes is you must wear it, for it to become comfortable.

If your child started or ended day2 of school, leaving you with the feeling of the uncomfortable shoe; read on...

When you wake up your child for school.
1. Smile
2. Talk slow in an almost singing voice. It has a calming effect. Avoid hype.
3. Be careful not to pitch. It creates anxiety in a child.
4. Keep continual eye contact. It grounds a child.
5. Hold the hand. Lightly massage it while talking. Help to calm.
6. Encourage your child to move and talk slowly and make eye contact.
7. Be sure to make a joke or 2. Laughing relieves tension.
8. When your child becomes emotionally overwhelmed and start to cry and cling, we tend to want to draw their attention away from mommy to other things. This scares them even more.
Ground them. Hold the hand. If need be, hold the cheeks between your hands. Talk slowly. Force the child to look into your eyes. Assure them you will be back.
Be sure to communicate the order of the day in detail to give them predictability. Some kids struggle with this. Draw pictures to explain if you must.
9. Connect the child with the teacher or a friend.
If the child is emotional connect the child to the teacher. And if you need to turn and walk...walk.
10. If morning trauma continues be sure to read the other posts.

Have a look at the MySoetlief online program - www.mysoetlief.com