14/10/2014
When we demand forgiveness, we fail to understand the nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness is essentially a CHOICE to lift the penalty and to let the person back into our lives. It’s to pardon the offense so that we might redevelop trust. Forgiveness says, ‘I care about our relationship. Therefore, I choose to accept your apology and no longer demand justice.’ It is essentially a gift. A gift that is demanded is no longer a gift.
When, as the offender, I demand to be forgiven, I am like a monarch sitting on a throne, judging the offended person as being guilty of an unforgiving heart. The offended person is hurt & angry over my offense, but I am trying to make her feel guilty for not forgiving me. On the other hand, when I go to the offended party and say, ‘Will you forgive me?’ I am now bowing at her throne and requesting to be forgiven of my offense. I know that if she grants my request, I am a recipient of her mercy, love, & grace. Forgiveness is always to be requested but never demanded.
Please understand that when you request to be forgiven, you are making a huge request. It will be costly to the person you have offended. When they forgive you, they must give up their desire for justice. They must relinquish their hurt and anger, their feeling of embarrassment or humiliation. They must give up their feelings of rejection and betrayal. Sometimes, they must live with the consequences of your wrong behaviour.
These may be physical consequences that need forgiveness, such as a sexually transmitted disease, a child born of a strange lover, or the memory of an abortion. Other consequences may be emotional, such as the mental images of your flushed face and raised voice, the images of you in the arms of another lover, or the cutting words that play over again and again in their minds. The person you hurt must live with all of this and much more, and process it in order to forgive you. This is not a small thing you’re asking of him or her. As an ancient Chinese proverb says, ‘When you bow, bow low.’
“Verbally requesting forgiveness after you have expressed an apology often is the key that opens the door to the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation. It may be the one element of your apology that the offended person is waiting to hear. ‘Will you please forgive me?’ is the ingredient that convinces them that you are indeed sincere in your apology.
Without the request for forgiveness your statements, ‘I’m sorry. I was wrong. I will make it up to you. I’ll never do it again’ may sound like glib remarks designed to put the matter behind you without really dealing with it. If this is the offended party’s primary apology language, then you must learn to speak it if you want her to know that your apology is genuine.
Statements that may help you learn to speak the apology language requesting forgiveness:
• “‘I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you. I know it was loud and harsh. You didn’t deserve that. It was very wrong of me, and I want to ask you to forgive me.’
• “‘I know that what I did hurt you very deeply. You have every right never to speak to me again, but I am truly sorry for what I did. And I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.’
• “‘I didn’t intend to hurt you but obviously I have. I realize that now, & I see that my actions were wrong even though I was just trying to have fun. It’s never right to have fun if someone gets hurt. I promise you I’ll try to never do that again. And I want to ask you if you will please forgive me.'”
