Scientia College

18/09/2022

10/08/2020

Do you need a bookkeeper, administrative work or financials done? Call us for a detailed plan and see how we can help your business today.

13/02/2019

Anybody want to join choir for this concert?
Programme for concert on 12 May (Linder Auditorium):
Mozart Mass in C (K337); Beethoven Welten Singen; Tchaikovsky 1812 Overture; Faure Cantique de Jean Racine

We practice Mondays at Christ Church Horison
+27832925270 Carel sms or WhatsApp

We're in need of all voices, should you know of anyone who might be interested

19/01/2019

Registered Counsellor / ILT Practitioner / TIR Facilitator

10/07/2017

The Secret Life of Bullies: Why They Do It—and How to Stop Them
Why do some kids turn to bullying? The answer is simple: it solves their social problems. After all, it’s easier to bully somebody than to work things out, manage your emotions, and learn to solve problems. Bullying is the proverbial “easy way out,” and sadly, some kids take it.

Look at men who beat or intimidate their wives and scream at their kids. They’ve never learned to be effective spouses or parents. Instead, they’re really bullies. And the other people in those families live in fear—fear that they’re going to be yelled at, called names, or hit. Nothing has to be worked out, because the bully always gets his way. The chain of command has been established by force, and the whole mindset becomes, “If you’d only do what I say, there’d be peace around here.” So the bully’s attitude is, “Give me my way or face my aggression.”

Aggression can either take the forms of violence or emotional abuse. I’ve seen many families that operate this way. I’m not just talking about the adults in the family, either—there are countless children who throw tantrums for the same reason: they’re saying, “Give me my way or face my behavior.” And if you as a parent don’t start dealing with those tantrums early, your child may develop larger behavior problems as they grow older.

Ask yourself this question: How many passive bullies do you know? They usually control others through verbal abuse and insults and by making people feel small. They’re very negative, critical people. The threat is always in the background that they’re going to break som**hing or call somebody names or hit someone if they are disagreed with. Realize that the behavior doesn’t start when someone is in their teens—it usually begins when a child is five or six.

Portrait of a Bully
Bullying itself can come from a variety of sources. One source, as I mentioned, is bullying at home—maybe there are older siblings, extended family members or parents who use aggression or intimidation to get their way. I also think part of the development of bullying can stem from some type of undiagnosed or diagnosed learning disability which inhibits the child’s ability to learn both social and problem-solving skills.

Make no mistake, kids use bullying primarily to replace the social skills they’re supposed to develop in grade school, middle school and high school. As children go through their developmental stages, they should be finding ways of working problems out and getting along with other people. This includes learning how to read social situations, make friends, and understand their social environment.

Bullies use aggression, and some use violence and verbal abuse, to supplant those skills. So in effect, they don’t have to learn problem solving, because they just threaten the other kids. They don’t have to learn how to work things out because they just push their classmates or call them names. They don’t have to learn how to get along with other people—they just control them. The way they’re solving problems is through brute force and intimidation. So by the time that child reaches ten, bullying is pretty ingrained—it has become their natural response to any situation where they feel socially awkward, insecure, frightened, bored or embarrassed.

Here is what an aggressive bully often looks like: He doesn’t know how to get along with other kids, so he’s usually not trying to play with them. When you look out on the playground at recess, he’s probably alone. He’s not playing soccer or kickball with the other children; he’s roaming around the perimeter of all the interactions that take place at school on a daily basis. And whenever he’s confronted with a problem or feels insecure, he takes that out on somebody else. He does this by putting somebody else down verbally or physically. A child who bullies might also throw or break things in order to feel better and more powerful about himself. When the bully feels powerless and afraid, he’s much more likely to be aggressive, because that makes him feel powerful and in control. That’s a very seductive kind of thing for kids; it’s very hard for them to let go of that power.

Adolescents and Gang Mentality
When we talk about adolescent bullying, we’re entering into another phenomenon altogether. The reality is that many adolescents in high school today are very abusive to each other. There are peer groups that will attack other kids verbally and emotionally, similar to a gang mentality. When these kids start calling other students rude names and questioning their sexuality, it is all done to dominate and bully them. If a teen or pre-teen doesn’t want to be a victim, they have to join a group. The kids who don’t socialize very well—the shy or passive types—often become the targets. And the threat of violence is always behind it. This trend in high school is prevalent today, and I think very destructive. In my opinion, parents and school administrators who ignore the way kids abuse each other in high school are kidding themselves. This behavior is hurtful and harmful, and there needs to be a lot more accountability.

Make no bones about it, bullying is traumatizing for kids who are the targets. In fact, I think children should be taught about bullying throughout grade school. They need to learn what it means, how to resolve it, and how to deal with a bully. If this is not taught, kids who are targets will think there’s som**hing wrong with them, and this vicious cycle—because that is truly what this is—perpetuates itself. Kids should also be learning how to handle their impulses and control themselves when they want to hit, hurt or intimidate others. Unless there’s a concerted effort to deal with bullying and bullies in school, nothing will change. It’s a challenge, but I firmly believe it can be done.

1. Teach Your Children about Bullying from an Early Age
I think from a very early age, you have to teach your child what a bully is. You can tell them the following (or even post these words in your house somewhere):

A bully is somebody who forces other people to do things they don’t want to do.

A bully is somebody who hits other people.

A bully is someone who takes or breaks other people’s property.

A bully is someone who calls other people names.

Then you have to set a standard that says, “We don’t do that in our house.” Start that culture of accountability early. Teach them what the word means, and say, “You’re accountable for that kind of behavior in our house.”

I think it’s also important that you talk about how to treat others. Ask your child, “How should you treat others?” And the answer is, “You treat others with respect ; if they don’t respect you back, walk away. Treating someone with respect means not calling them names, threatening them, or hitting them.” You can also say, “You listen to others. You accept others. If they don’t want to play with your toys or they don’t want to share their things, you have to learn how to accept that.” This is not easy for kids, but they will learn. I really think children need to have the concept of bullying explained to them numerous times. That way, when any kind of bullying is going on, they can identify it and stop the behavior, both in themselves and others.

2. Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home
I think the most important thing for every family is to have a Culture of Accountability in your home. This means your child is accountable to you: how he talks to you, how he talks to his siblings, how he treats his family members. When he’s bullying his siblings, don’t get sucked into his excuses; just because he had a bad day at school does not give him the right to mistreat anyone in your family, for example. Let me say it again: Your child is accountable to you.

When a bully feels powerless and afraid, he’s much more likely to be aggressive, because that makes him feel powerful and in control.
Don’t forget, bullies often have cognitive distortions—they see the world in a certain way that justifies their bullying. So you’ll frequently hear them blaming others and making excuses for their behavior. Most of the time, they really believe that stuff: they believe what they think, and that’s what you’ve got to challenge. You can say directly, “It sounds like you’re blaming Jesse for the fact that you punched him. It is not Jesse’s fault that you hit him.”

Schools should also have a culture of accountability, and I think that many try. That’s what detentions, suspensions and expulsions are all about—if your child breaks the rules, he should be held accountable, and it’s very important that you let him deal with the natural consequences and not try to shield him.

3. The Skills Your Child Needs to Learn
Plain and simple, a child who bullies needs to learn how to solve social problems and deal with their emotions without acting out behaviorally. Have conversations with your child where you ask, “What happens when other kids don’t want to play your games? What do you do? What do you do when other kids have things you want and they won’t give them to you? How do you handle that? How do you handle it when you think you’re right and they’re wrong and there’s nothing you can do about it?”

Your child has to learn how to resolve conflicts and manage his emotions. He needs to learn the skills of compromise, how to sacrifice, how to share and how to deal with injustice. He should also learn how to check things out, and to ask himself, “Is what I’m seeing really happening? Does Jonathon really hate me, or is he just in a bad mood today?”

Kids have got to learn how to manage their impulses. If their impulse is to hit or to hurt or call someone names, they have to learn to deal with that in an appropriate way. Many children and adolescents have the impulse to hurt others—they have impulses to do all kinds of things. But they need to learn to handle them, and kids who bully are no exception.

4. What to Do If Your Child is Bullying Others in School
Kids who are bullying others should be held accountable at home—they should absolutely be given consequences for their behavior. And the consequences should go like this: your child should be deprived of doing som**hing he or she likes. So, no TV or computer games or cell phone, for example. And they also should have to do a task: they should write an essay or letter on what they’re going to do next time they’re in the same situation or feel the same way—instead of bullying. It’s critical that they start thinking of other ways they can solve this problem. Understand that they may not have any ideas, and that’s where you have to interact with them and coach them as a parent. In the Total Transformation Program, there’s an interview process I outline where parents learn to talk with their children to solve problems, rather than explore emotions and listen to excuses. If your child is hurting or bullying others, he needs to have conversations that solve problems. He does not need or benefit from conversations that explore emotions. Bullies tend to see themselves as victims, so the conversation has to focus on them taking responsibility for their behavior.

I think your child’s teachers should handle the process of having your child make amends for his behavior at school. But remember that bullies don’t stop bullying when they get home—they often target younger or weaker siblings. You have to be very clear if your child is bullying—be very black and white; leave no gray areas. Don’t forget, your child is bullying because solving problems— talking to people and working things out—is very hard for him. Again, your child is taking the easy way out. We all go through the growing pains of learning how to negotiate in social situations—in fact, we may work on this skill our whole lives. There should be no exceptions for anyone in your family when it comes to these skills. For a child who is using bullying as a shortcut instead of developing these skills, you have to work even harder as a parent to coach them on what to do.

When Bullies Grow Up
Make no mistake, if a child bullies, that tendency can stay with them their whole lives. Fortunately, some bullies do mature after they leave school. You’ll see them get into their early twenties and go their own way; they get married, they go to college, they start a career, and they stop their bullying behavior.

But sadly, you will also see young child bullies who become teenage bullies and then adult bullies. How does this behavior and lack of social skills affect them? These are the people who abuse their wives and kids emotionally and sometimes physically. These are the people who call their spouses and kids names if they don’t do things the way they want them to. Bullies may also become criminals. Look at it this way: a bully is somebody who is willing to use aggression, verbal abuse, property destruction or even violence to get his way. An anti-social personality disorder (which is how criminals are classified) refers to somebody who is willing to use aggression and violence to get his way. The criminal population is literally full of bullies who, among other things, never learned how to resolve conflicts and behave appropriately in social situations.

If you think your child is bullying others, it’s very important to start working with him now. This behavior is already hurting his life—and will continue to do so if it’s left to fester. If you expect your child to “outgrow” bullying once he reaches adulthood, realize that you’re also taking the risk that he may not—and that choice may negatively affect him for the rest of his life.

About James Lehman, MSW
James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation® Program, The Complete Guide to Consequences™, Getting Through To Your Child™, and Two Parents One Plan™, from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.

10/07/2017

Child and Teen Bullying: How to Help When Your Kid is Bullied

One of the most difficult things to do when your child is being bullied is to stay in your box and avoid over-personalizing what’s happening.
The new documentary “Bully” follows the lives of five children who are the victims of verbal and physical cruelty at the hands of their fellow students—and it’s getting people to sit up and take notice of a problem that just seems to get more pervasive and toxic as the years go by. In spite of all of the debate and awareness around the issue, one out of every four children in our country is still being bullied by other kids at school. What can we do as parents to help our children when they find themselves the target of another kid’s cruelty or physical aggression? Debbie Pincus, creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM, gives tips on how you can address the situation effectively (and without over-personalizing it) as a parent.

One of the most difficult things to do when your child is being bullied is to stay in your box and avoid over-personalizing what’s happening.
Bullying is really just another form of abuse: it’s about kids using power to control other kids, sometimes with the intention to cause harm. Being bullied is hurtful and humiliating. It’s not an accident or joke—it’s a repetitive action that happens to a designated person or group over a period of time. Social networking and cell phones allow kids to be bullied twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, and their humiliation is often widespread and long-lasting. The difference between the bullying that happened during our childhoods and what’s going on now? Today’s kids can’t get away from it.

Related: Anxious about your child? How to parent from a calm place.

Is Your Child Being Bullied? Know the Signs

Most kids aren’t going to come home and tell you that they’re being bullied—in fact, many won’t say anything. Your child might feel ashamed or worried that they are to blame somehow, and they become experts at keeping it all inside. What are the signs you need to know as a parent?

Reluctance to go to school or to get on the computer.
Your child’s mood changes after looking at their cell phone or going on Facebook.
Your child may not want to get on the school bus; begs you for rides to school every day.
Is frequently sick, with headaches and sleeping problems—and often wants to stay home from school.
You might notice damaged or missing belongings, or that your child keeps losing money or other valuable items.
Unexplained injuries or bruises.
Your child doesn’t seem to be eating his lunch—he comes home unusually hungry, or his lunch comes back home with him.
He might be moody, anxious, depressed, or withdrawn.
While exhibiting one or more of these signs might not necessarily mean that your child is being bullied (or cyberbullied), these are important things to pay attention to if you suspect som**hing is going on.

Related: Doing too much for your child? How to stop—and get him to be responsible.

What Should Parents Do?

What can—or should—you do if your child is being bullied? Whether your child tells you outright that he’s being bullied at school or you simply suspect it, you need to listen to what he has to say around this subject, take him seriously, and empathize calmly. Support him by assuring him that what’s happening is wrong, and let him know he has a legitimate right and a responsibility to put a stop to any kind of harmful behavior that goes on—and that you will get him some help with the problem.

When you find out your child is being bullied, you naturally feel anxious, upset and angry. Your first reaction is not always going to be the most effective way to handle the situation, though, because it’s probably coming from emotion and not from a calm, objective place—which is where you want to be when you talk with your child. Here are some good rules of thumb for parents to follow when dealing with this difficult situation:

Don’t over-personalize it: One of the most difficult things to do when your child is being bullied is to stay in your box and avoid over-personalizing what’s happening. After all, when our kids are hurting, we often feel the pain as well. Many of us remember being bullied as children ourselves, and so our child’s situation drags up feelings of pain, shame and humiliation. But make no mistake, if you’re not listening calmly and objectively to your child, you’re probably not going to be helpful. You don’t want to over-personalize and overreact. Instead, you want to listen well and help them problem solve to find ways to deal with the situation at hand. When you overreact, you’re going to overstep your bounds—it’s unavoidable.

Related: How to stop over-personalizing your child’s moods and behavior.

Don’t swoop in immediately and take over: You might feel angry and anxious and want to rush in and fix everything, but that’s not going to help your child most in the long-run. If you do this, she will feel powerless not only from the bully but also from you, because she sees you worried, falling apart or charging in. It’s really important to calm down so you can listen and make a plan together. Ask, “How can I be most helpful to you?” Don’t forget to strategize with your child—this is where the life lesson will come in, because this will enable her to learn how to deal with this situation in the future. (For more ideas on how to strategize with your child and for different conversations you can have with them about how to handle bullying, read My Child is Being Bullied—What Should I Do?)

Don’t minimize: Keep in mind that you don’t want to underreact either, by minimizing the problem or telling your child he’s being “too sensitive.” This is not a time to leave your kid alone. He needs someone more powerful than the bullies to advocate for him and help him handle the situation.

Don’t blame: If your child is being bullied, don’t blame her for what’s happening. Don’t ask, “Well, what are you doing to make the kids pick on you? You must be doing som**hing.” There is often no reason for a child to be picked on, other than that they are in the line of sight of another child who wants to taunt or hurt them. There is no justification for bullying. Blaming your child will only make them shut down—or worse, blame themselves for what’s happening. Instead, let your child know that it’s not them—anyone can be a target. It’s often just a case of wrong place, wrong time, and any kind of difference or vulnerability can do it. The best way to help your child not be a target is to help them practice not reacting from fear or anger. (More on this later.)

Related: Blaming yourself? Why it’s more important to take responsibility.

Have open conversations: Talk with your child about your own experiences. Really empathize with them and their situation by being authentic with them. It’s okay to say, "I feel so sad when I hear what you’re going through. I’m here to help you." Do your best to have the kind of relationship where you keep the lines of communication open. Encourage them to talk to other adults in their lives who they might be close to, as well—sometimes an aunt, friend or teacher can give advice and say things that you might not be able to say because you’re too close to the problem.

Strategize with Your Child

You can help your child by having problem-solving conversations around bullying, and coming up with strategies together. Here are a few you might suggest to your child:

Teach your child not to react out of fear: Often, kids feel shocked and paralyzed when someone calls them a cruel name or hurts them. If they stand there and take it, get upset and lose control, or start crying, the other kids will have what they want—a reaction. Let your child know that reacting out of fear or anger is going to set them up for more of the same: either way, it’s just going to fuel the fire. I think the simplest way to change the dynamic is to make the bully feel uncomfortable with their own behavior. As a general rule, kids should try to avoid hitting or fighting back verbally or physically—this often will only cause the bullying to escalate. Tell your child to say som**hing that’s short, simple, and neutral but that doesn’t necessarily egg on the other person more, and then leave the scene.

Have some slogans ready—and then walk away: One simple phrase like “Cut it out” or “Stop” or “I’ve had enough” or “Not funny” can be very effective when your child is being bullied. Encourage them to find a way to say som**hing that feels right to them. They don’t need to insult the other person back or get reactive to it. Above all, they don’t want to get into a fight with the other child because that’s just going to feed it. Walking away—and not engaging with the child who is bullying them—is one of the best ways to defuse this situation.

Ignore the bully: As hard as it is for kids in this situation, tell your child to try to ignore bullying by either pretending they don’t hear or by keeping a straight face and not reacting to the taunts. It’s often very effective for kids to act as if they are uninterested in the insults and to simply refrain from responding to them. You can practice with your child at home, too, by role playing the situations they face at school. Help them practice not showing anger or fear.

Use the buddy system: Tell your child that there is strength in numbers; when your child is with a friend, it makes it harder to be isolated or targeted by bullies.

Talk to an adult: Encourage your child to go to his school guidance counselor, a teacher, or a school administrator when she is being bullied. It is the duty of school officials to hold anyone who is bullying another student accountable. Explain the difference between “tattling” and “telling.” Tattling is done for the purpose of getting somebody else in trouble, and telling is done because som**hing is going on that’s not okay and an adult needs to know. Telling is done to protect oneself and to protect others.

Related: How to respond thoughtfully and calmly, rather than react out of anxiety or fear.

When it’s Time to Step in

If things have escalated to a point where you need to step in and take more official action, tell your child you’re going to help him and work with him so the situation doesn’t become worse. Remind him that it is his right to feel safe at school. Decide on the best way to do that together without overreacting or jumping in too quickly. Listen to your child carefully, hear the whole story, ask him how he sees it, and ask what would be most helpful to him. Kids need to know that someone more powerful than the bully is on their side and can put a stop to the bullying—and often, that someone is you.

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC
For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

10/07/2017

The “Cool Kids”: How to Help Your Child or Teen Deal with Peer Pressure, Exclusion and Cliques

“It’s most helpful to focus on the behavior of your child’s friends, or more importantly, your child’s behavior when she is with these friends.”

When we think of peer pressure, we typically have a picture in our minds of a kid handing your child a cigarette, a joint, or a beer and saying som**hing like, “Come on, just try it.” But at times peer pressure can be felt without a single word being spoken, like when a clique excludes others or rolls their eyes at the (in their opinion) “uncool” kids who walk by.

“It’s most helpful to focus on the behavior of your child’s friends, or more importantly, your child’s behavior when she is with these friends.”
Related: Teach your child the most important skills that will help him now and later in life.

Here are five of the top peer pressure situations, with ways you can help your child or teen handle them:

1. Drugs, to***co, alcohol, and partying. The average age American kids take their first drink is 11 for boys and 13 for girls. Drugs are rampant in our communities today—not just ma*****na, but also bath salts, m**h, K2 (aka “spice” or synthetic ma*****na), and prescription medications. This is not to say all kids will follow this pattern of alcohol use or get into drugs, but chances are, your child will come into contact with another kid who has knowledge of these things and may even be using one or more. As a parent, being involved and communicating with your child about drugs and alcohol is of vital importance.

What you can do: As a school counselor, I always say that you really can’t start talking with your children about these things too early. It’s important that you discuss your rules and values pertaining to drugs, alcohol, and to***co, but also help him come up with several options to escape the situation if he’s being pressured to try som**hing. For example, you might role play with your middle schooler and teach him to say a strong and direct “No.” He could also suggest a different activity, change the subject, or leave the situation by walking away.

I’ve also heard a lot of parents talking about the “no-questions-asked” pick-up. That’s when you tell your child that if he calls you to leave a party or a bad situation, you will go and get him with no consequences and no questions asked. This is som**hing that each parent and family has to decide if it’s right for them. If this works for your family, it can be very effective.

Related: How to give your ODD child or teen “fail proof” consequences.

2. My Child’s Personality is Changing—for the Worse! Kids who hang out together tend to adopt the same types of attitudes, likes, dislikes, and values—and in fact, research has shown that people tend to mimic the behavior of others in order to fit in into a group. This can be distressing if your formerly sweet kid is rolling her eyes at you and responding with, “Whatevs” to everything you say. If she’s becoming defiant, aggressive or disrespectful, you’ll want to address this behavior and nip it in the bud before it continues to escalate.

An important thing to note here is that teens and tweens start to become more peer-focused and less family-focused. They want to spend more time with their friends and might confide in them more often than family. Also, adolescence is where most of the task of “individuation” really takes place: this is the process of coming to understand and know oneself as your own person. This means kids start to want more choices, more freedom—and at times more privacy and distance from their family. Peers become the center of their universe, and with their natural desire for a sense of belonging, teens can be extremely susceptible to peer pressure. Another factor that makes them susceptible is the still-developing teen brain, which has not yet become a master of decision-making and self-management! This means that they don’t always have the thinking skills and self-control skills it takes to resist peer pressure.

Related: My Child has “Toxic” Friends.

What you can do: When your child’s behavior is changing as a result of spending time with a new group of friends, start by having a conversation about it with her in a moment when you are both calm. Know beforehand that this is an issue ripe for power struggles. Your child identifies with these kids she’s hanging out with in some way—maybe they have som**hing in common that drew them together, or she feels accepted in this group. If your child feels like you are attacking her friends, she will likely get defensive and dig in her heels—and want to be with them all the more. It’s most helpful to focus on the behavior of your child’s friends, or more importantly, your child’s behavior when she is with these friends. You might say som**hing like, “I’ve noticed that you talk back to me a lot since you started hanging out with Courtney. Why do you think that is?” This conversation should be focused on your rules and values, and should reiterate your expectations for behavior. Rather than trying to forbid your child’s friendship, you might decide to put some parameters on it if repeated problem-solving discussions don’t help. For example, you might say that she can only see Courtney outside of school once a week, or that she can’t go to Courtney’s house until her behavior improves, but Courtney can come over to your house so you can get to know her better.

Note: If your child begins to exhibit behavior changes that you find worrisome or concerning, it may be helpful to speak with your child’s doctor or another professional about your concerns to rule out any underlying issues that may be affecting your child’s behavior.

3. My Child is Being Excluded. It’s so painful for kids when they’re excluded from som**hing, whether it’s an event like a birthday party, or a clique or group at school. Many times there isn’t a clear reason why this happens; it just seems like out of the blue, your child is left out and feeling miserable.

It’s important to know that at some point or another, almost all kids feel the pain of being excluded. This could be a result of direct exclusion (another child specifically telling them they aren’t welcome), shifting loyalties among friends, or “fifth wheel” problems. If you’re the parent of a teen, you’ve probably already seen that adolescent friendships can shift and change dramatically in seemingly short periods of time: that girl your daughter used to hang out with all the time might start hanging out with another girl. Even in a group with just two other kids, a third can easily feel “lost in the crowd.”

Related: Anxiety is contagious—and so is Calm. How to coach your child without stepping in to fix it for her.

What you can do: Try to pinpoint which of these situations is leading to your child’s loneliness and then talk with him or her about some ways to solve the problem. Don’t blame your child for why this is happening, because that won’t be helpful. Often there is no rhyme or reason for why your child is being left out or ostracized. Put on your “coaching hat” and help your child to come up with some strategies to improve the situation. For example, if she’s going to hang out with two other girls and this leaves her feeling left out, perhaps she could invite a fourth so that she will have her own buddy. If her problems center around the kids at school, try to get her involved in a group where she can make friends from other towns who share her interests—and where she can see firsthand that there is a life outside of school. If she is socially awkward or you notice her doing things that puts others off, (like always needing to get her way or being too clingy) you can coach her on ways to behave socially without making her feel like there’s som**hing wrong with her. (More on this next.)

4. When Your Child is Socially Awkward. Sometimes kids feel like they don’t fit in consistently and repeatedly. If this is the case, it might help to ask yourself if your child is lacking any vital social skills and if perhaps this is the reason that other kids are not responding positively to him. It’s important to note that it’s normal to feel left out or lonely once in a while, but you can help your child realize he has some control over his own behavior and responses.

What you can do: In this case, it’s helpful to talk to your child about social cues. You can do this when you’re watching TV or out at a restaurant. Ask your child how he thinks the waitress is feeling, or what they think it might mean if a character in a movie has his arms crossed. Role-playing is som**hing else that could also help—teach your child some specific skills like introducing himself and act it out. Many parents also come up with a cueing system that helps their kids learn how to interact socially. Let’s say your child with ADHD is constantly monopolizing the conversation, and talking a mile a minute. Together, come up with a signal you can give him (touching your chin with your forefinger, for example) to let him know he needs to let someone else have a turn. It might also help to talk to your child’s teachers or school counselors for some support and additional ideas to specifically help your child. (Don’t feel shy about reaching out—at my school, I help parents with this issue all the time.)

5. Last word: Put the Focus on Your Child’s Strengths

It’s important to help your child focus on his or her strengths and what they can control. Emphasize your child’s positive internal qualities and teach them some positive self-talk they can use when they are feeling pressured. For example, instead of thinking, “Why can’t I just be different?” They could say to themselves, “Everyone is different. I like who I am.”

Pressure is one of those stressors that we all experience at every stage of life. It can actually be motivating—it can help us excel at work and earn promotions, and it can help our kids ace that final exam. It can be the thing that gets your child to try a new sport, join a new club, do better in school, or stops them from doing som**hing stupid.

But pressure can also be overwhelming and can sometimes lead us down the wrong path. Start talking to your kids about positive coping skills and strategies to escape high pressure situations when they are young so that they can manage the pressure they will encounter not only in adolescence, but throughout life as well.

Related: How to handle disrespect and defiance in kids and teens.

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About Sara Bean, M.Ed.
Sara Bean, M.Ed. is a certified school counselor and former 1-on-1 Coaching advisor with over 10 years of experience working with children and families. She is also a proud mom.