26/07/2026
I need to know I matter. That another person’s fear of commitment being bigger than their love for me doesn’t mean I am not lovable. That having walked away from so many situations and rooms that didn’t honor me doesn’t mean there is any place I don’t belong. I feel alone and anxious. I know we are all in our homes sometimes alone; with or without someone. But it doesn’t make the pain less real. I know it won’t last and future me can will hold me gently from where they stand saying “sweetie, I got you. you are and have always been prescious. This thing that you are feeling right now is the price of being human. And everyone pays it. One night or another.” It reminds me of a poem by Hafiz where he talks about the price of admission to the Devine being out of reach. “You have not danced so badly, my dear. You have in fact valsed with tremendous style, my sweet crushed angel”. My fingers want to hit play on the voice notes my ex sent so I feel less lonely. But I know it won’t do it. The price of existence feels heavy tonight. I know I can and will bear it. I know I am in the presence of the most loving and gracious woman I know. That she sleeps with me every night. And that this little girl is afraid her dad won’t come home. That she will be unprotected in this world without a man. And I want to stroke her hair and say “I am so sorry, darling. I am truly sorry you felt this scared. I will not let anything harm you, not anyone: and if life ever hurts you, I will howl and scream and heal. I will be there for you. God damn it, I really hate it that so many of us went through unimaginable things alone. Without someone to witness our despair, without someone to help us go through it. I am grieving all our childhoods. The love so many of us didn’t have then, that are amplified and made visible by the love we didn’t have now. May we kiss our foreheads good night and have a good sleep. And be allowed to wonder again. To dream again.