03/04/2023
Somewhere right now, a child is being made unhappy on purpose, because for a reason which isn’t well understood, they are not attending school. I hear these stories every day and they horrify me every time. Here’s what I hear.
A child is really unhappy at school. Sometimes they are bullied, or they find the whole set up overwhelming. Maybe they feel alienated and alone there. Perhaps they feel physically ill in that environment. Maybe they know they are failing. They start being reluctant to go.
Once that happens, attendance policies kick in. The reasons for their unhappiness are less important than getting them through that gate every day. Their parents are told to override them and bring them in, no matter what. This often means force. The child becomes unhappier.
If the parents don’t or can’t force their children in, then the next set of interventions look at what is happening at home. Parents are told that they mustn’t make home ‘too comfortable’ or even that they must actively stop their child from doing things they enjoy.
The idea is that the children will choose school because home is so boring. Just think about that idea for a moment. We have a child who is unhappy at school - and the intervention is to make home worse. How can this not make the child unhappier?
Several months of this, and children start feeling trapped. Their distress escalates - understandably, as nothing at all is being done about the source of their unhappiness. It’s all about making it so awful not going to school that they will ‘give in’.
Then they (finally) get to CAMHS, who treat the whole thing as anxiety and start therapy. Again, no one asks about the reasons. The anxiety is assumed to be the problem and so the child is asked to challenge their thoughts and do a graded hierarchy.
By this point children and families are desperate, and the original issues with school was only the start. Being forced in has been followed by being made unhappy at home has been followed by the whole problem being assumed to be irrational anxiety.
None of this helps. A lot makes things worse. If this is you & your child, step back. Is it working? If they’re getting worse, think again. Trust what you know about your child. No intervention should deliberately make a child unhappy, in order to force them go to school.
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