01/29/2023
I am rapidly approaching 60 years of age and 9 years into a second marriage, but I am still learning to love. I hear love is a word that is overused but under lived. I admit I overuse the word. I say things like, “I love spicey snacks!” “I love reading.” “I love a challenge (most of the time).” “I love the Caribbean!” “I love my kids!” “I love my wife.” I would have difficulty explaining the different nuances to a person who was just beginning to learn English.
Most of the time when we use the word love we are describing a feeling toward something or someone. But I think we have a misguided understanding. I am learning love is not a feeling I have for something or someone, but a choice I make. Over the years I developed a taste for savory foods, and I get satisfaction out of the sound and feel of crunchy edibles. So, I choose to make these foods a part of my diet. I get enjoyment from stories that stimulate my imagination, so I choose to read. I receive fulfillment when faced with a difficult problem and working toward a solution. As a result, I don’t shy away from hard projects. Warmth, the sound of the ocean, the salt air, and the breeze relax me. So, I will choose a beach vacation over a museum trip 100% of the time. You can see from my examples that I make choices based on the things I say I “love.” But can you also see another common element in the snacks, reading, challenges, and Caribbean? The choices are all based on how the object brings pleasure to my senses and ego. Therefore, I don’t think I can say I love those things. What I can say is I choose to do things that bring myself pleasure.
When you add a person or people to the statement, “I love ___ ,” the results get complicated. I love my kids. If I am describing a feeling I have toward my kids, what is that feeling? Affection? Warm fuzzies? We must be careful because honest parents know they don’t feel that way about their kids sometimes, even for seasons of time. I’m confident the feeling is mutual. Does that mean we don’t love our kids? I think I hear a resounding rhetorical, “NO!” So, love is not a feeling. Love is something a whole lot more.
In the realm of romance, we use a phrase like “fall in love.” What do we mean when we say we have fallen in love with someone? Falls are usually accidents outside of our control. How many of us choose to fall on the ice, down the stairs, or in the shower? Is love between people a passive thing that just happens because pheromones were released and there was a strong physical attraction? What is the difference between what was just described and lust? What happens when pheromones dissipate or the attraction wanes? Some are convinced they have fallen out of love and proclaim they don’t love the person anymore. That proclamation is true if love is a feeling.
All around us we see models of love that reveal love is not a feeling. The first responder who seeks to rescue the addict who destroyed a family and now his/her life lies in the balance of destruction from taking too much. The military person who sacrifices his/her life so a citizen can slander his/her beloved country. The mental health worker who receives verbal abuse day after day but patiently tries to help the patient work through their issues. The single parent who puts her/his pursuits on hold to ensure they are at their best for the kids entrusted to them.
The Emergency Medical Technician, the Marine, the Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, and the sole guardian of a household made a rational decision that makes no sense to the person who only lives for themselves.
Love is a choice we make to lay aside resources, privileges, rights, and comforts for what is best for someone else. The laying aside can get complicated because even the practice of laying aside can be more about our own interests than the interests of another. We might “lay aside” to appease our own guilt, to manipulate, to control, to endear others to us, to enable another to be dysfunctional so we can keep our dysfunction, or to feel better about ourselves. That kind of love is not love at all but a more complicated and less obvious form of selfishness.
Pure love with pure motives is hard. But let’s embrace the challenge and choose to love, even when it feels like it is impossible.
