Balanced Ascension

Happy Tuesday!
Where do you feel you're at as far as mindfulness goes?

I don’t know about you, but for the last several weeks, I've been facing the deepest pain yet....

When I was at my lowest point, and the abuse was at an all time high, the only support systems I had abandoned me.

I was “too much” for them.

And granted, no one around me had the tools to know how to help me.

I got so low, that I skipped my Senior prom, and called up this guy to hang out because I was so lonely and depressed. In the middle of the night, he got me high on dabs, brought me onto a hiking trail, and sexually assaulted me that night.

I remember in the weeks following, wishing I had never been born, and just wanting to die.

Completely alone, recently assaulted, getting screamed at every waking moment of my life, I was miserable and desperate.

This was the moment when I internalized it...that I was so fundamentally fu**ed up, that I would inevitably have to go on this journey of fixing myself...so that, one day, hopefully, someone might be able to stand being around me for more than five minutes.

This is, in part, why I even embarked on all of this personal development s**t in the first place.

I tried reading books on how to be “normal”. I tried being interesting, being spiritually aware, developing my already strong psychic skills so I could feel special, because maybe that might get some people to like me.

I wore my spiritual self righteousness as an armor to cover for my deepest insecurities and feelings of being fundamentally fu**ed up.

I had so much to work through.

7 years and a hundred thousand layers later...

I truly believe that the Universe only gives you what you can handle, and, until now, I wouldn’t have been ready to process this level of pain.

In these last three weeks, I’ve been facing this horrifically nasty inner critic that tears me apart on a moment by moment basis in thirty different directions. I’ve been grieving the pain of having felt completely and utterly hopeless, and the consequences of feeling like, no matter what I do, something about it is fu**ed up.

My life, on the surface, is a thousand times better than what it was 1, 2, and even 3 years ago. I have a set of loving, supportive friends. I’m running my own business, doing what I love. I was even able to take a break for a month just to heal these things, and take stock of everything I’ve learned with the incredible clients I’ve had the privilege to work with.

This is the best rock bottom of my life.

And yet, it has been the most painful thus far.
Because I’m consciously choosing to be present to the deepest pain of my life...all the while softening and letting go of trying to process it perfectly and on a certain time frame. Letting myself be around other people when I feel like this, because experiencing traumatic grief doesn’t make your presence any less worthy.

Here, my ego doesn’t have the chance to make me miserable for more than the time I take to process through it, and it doesn’t get to play the same games it played to keep me from things that were too difficult to face as a child.

And yet...
Letting myself experience joy, lightness, and fun.
Letting myself just be as I am.

It’s OKAY.
It’s all okay.

We’re just a bunch of hyper evolved monkeys on a spinning sphere going millions of miles per hour through outer space.

The truth is, life just fu***ng hurts sometimes, and that’s okay. We don’t need to be happy and spiritually evolved and all of this other bulls**t pressure we put on ourselves just to feel worthy of the love and success that we were already inherently worthy of.

I am enough.
You are enough.

Stop Fu***ng putting your whole damn sense of self into how evolved you think you are. It’s a god damn process. It’s one day at a time. It’s incremental. You’re trying hard enough as is. Probably too hard, in fact. Let go, relax... you deserve it, AND, it’ll serve you a hundred thousand times better. Stop holding yourself hostage to a future that, frankly, if you were ready for, you would already have it. There’s growing to do between that and where you’re at. You’ve got this. You’re doing the best that you can, and that’s more than enough.

You get to have a life where you choose to do what you want when you want with people you want to do it with...things that set your soul on fire and fill you from the inside out.

We didn't come here to live a life that makes us miserable while hiding the most beautiful, free, authentic versions of ourselves. We came here to live fully, and live a life that supports us that we feel aligned with.

And guess what?

Your outside circumstances have little to do with your capacity to experience peace, joy, and ecstasy in your life. It has everything to do with your attitudes, mentality towards life and the amount of love and conscious awareness you bring into the present moment. You want that life? There are steps to getting there, but that doesn't mean you have to be miserable on the way there, and only once you get there can you have the experiences you want....

In fact, if you don't do the work, even when you have the life you want, it will still feel exactly the same. It's not that we crave a different life, it's that we are starved of love, presence, and many of our basic emotional and physical needs, and that pain makes us wish we were somewhere else, but all we need to do is find a way to give it to ourselves now.

Anchor love and gratitude and peace into the present moment...every step of the way, and you can even feel the way you want to feel in the future, right now. By giving yourself permission to do so. This actually causes you to align to that future even more gracefully, and, instead of relentlessly and frantically chasing, you can actually walk at your own pace and let yourself be.

One simple question: What do you need to feel whole, safe, and complete as you are now? Give yourself just that!

The more we unblock ourselves through feeling our emotions fully and loving the ego as we would a child, the easier it is for us to experience unadulterated light and love, and at whichever frequency we choose.

Meaning, if everything in your life appears to be going wrong, it is because somewhere, we are simply blocked energetically, and there's something we're not seeing. If we go deeper and look into what could possibly be going on, and we heal that part of ourselves, then the issues that may have been coming up disappear.

The reason for suffering has been attributed to attachment, and I would also say that it can additionally be attributed to the things we are in denial of. Everything is meant to be most conducive to your growth, and when you can't see something, the voice of the teacher will get louder until you see it and make the shift within yourself.