The words said to a child, teen, or young adult by a bully or an abusive partner don’t leave when it stops. 💙
They become the words they say to themselves.
“I’m not good enough. No one really likes me. I’m too much. I’m too quiet. I’m weird. I don’t belong.”
I see this every week. A kid who was bullied two years ago. Three years ago. Sometimes longer. A young adult I just started working with who is nine months out of a relationship and still living with what her partner said to her. Eight or nine months is not a long time after sustained criticism. The voice doesn’t leave when the person does. It stays. Living in their head. Showing up at school. At work. At dinner. At bedtime.
Parents often think because the situation ended, the work is done. It isn’t. The work has just moved inside.
Here is what I look for. Someone who hesitates before answering a simple question. Apologizes for things that aren’t their fault. Picks friends or partners who treat them badly because it feels familiar. Flinches at compliments. Can’t believe anyone really likes them.
This is the aftermath. And this is where the real coaching happens. Rebuilding the inner voice. Replacing what was said with what is actually true. Helping them trust their own perception again.
In partnership,
Allison 💙
Concierge Master Life Coach for Kids, Teens, Young Adults — and Their Parents
25+ years of supporting families
Success for You and Your Whole Family
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Concierge Master Life Coach for Kids, Teens, Young Adults,-and their Parents
Anxiety ADHD Autism Transitions Growing Up
Making Life Easier and Better for 25 years +
AllisonCD.com
To everyone who has messaged me asking how to get their son to come out of his room, this is for you. 💙
When your son has gone quiet on you, you’re seeing the surface. Behind the surface, real things can be happening. Here’s what I’m doing behind the scenes with the boys in my practice, and what you can lean into too.
See my post for a lot more 💙
Allison C. Dankner, M.S. Ed, MCPC, CPLC, CFC
Concierge Master Life Coach for Kids, Teens, Young Adults — and Their Parents
25+ years of supporting families
To everyone who has messaged me asking how to get their son to come out of his room, this is for you. 💙
When your son has gone quiet on you, you’re seeing the surface. Behind the surface, real things can be happening. Here’s what I’m doing behind the scenes with the boys in my practice, and what you can lean into too.
We work on sleep. Not lecturing him about going to bed earlier. Actually understanding why his body has fallen out of rhythm and helping him restore it from the inside.
We work on protein in the morning. The right fuel before noon changes how a boy shows up for the rest of his day.
We work on water. Most kids this age are chronically dehydrated. The fix changes more than parents expect.
We work on activities. Small, real ones he chooses. What gives him a reason to come out of his room on his own.
We work on connection. With friends. With siblings. With himself. Step by step.
And we work on time with you. The parent. We rebuild that bridge from his end, not yours.
But here is what I want you to remember - it won’t always be like this. Baby steps. Baby steps. It can take time to get him to fall asleep at the right hour, to wake up, to open his blinds, to drink water, to eat protein, to eat at all. This is tough and it moves at the pace it moves.
And here’s something else I want to share. Sometimes a boy looks fine from the outside. The slipping is in what he can and can’t talk about. Who he says he’s connecting with. What he says he’s eating. There are always clues.
If you would like a starting place for any of this, my free guide When Teens Are In Between holds a loose framework parents can lean into right now. Send me a message and I will send it to you. (The algorithm is currently limiting my outgoing messages, so it works better when you reach out to me first.)
And ANNOUNCEMENT: My ADHD Morning Reset launches July 1. Here’s a little secret. I named it the ADHD Morning Reset because the strategies inside are science-backed for emotional and behavioral regulation. But these are the SAME strategies I use with your depressed son. Your stuck son. The son who isn’t coming out of his room. The protocol works.
If your son has gone quiet and you’re wondering what’s possible, send me a message.
In partnership,
Allison 💙
Allison C. Dankner, M.S. Ed, MCPC, CPLC, CFC
Concierge Master Life Coach for Kids, Teens, Young Adults — and Their Parents
25+ years of supporting families
Parents of boys, this one is for you. 💙
Whether your son is 9 or 19, there’s something I want to talk to you about. Boys are pulling back. They’re spending more time alone. They’re talking less. And parents are asking me the same question across every age group: is this normal, or should I be worried?
Here’s what I’ve learned in 25 years of working with boys.
Boys don’t always come to you. They come around you. They pass through the kitchen when you’re cooking. They sit near you on the couch without saying much. They drift into the room and stand in the doorway. These small moments are not nothing. They are everything.
The temptation when this happens is to make it count. To ask the big question. To finally get him to open up. Don’t.
Here’s what I want you to consider instead.
Don’t make it big. When he comes near, don’t ask what’s wrong. Don’t comment on how long he’s been in his room. Don’t pivot the moment into a conversation he didn’t sign up for. Let him be in your presence without a spotlight.
Stay light. Mention something small. The dog did something funny. Did you eat. There’s pasta in the fridge if you want it. Something he can engage with or ignore.
Be available, not hungry. Boys can feel when a parent is waiting for the moment of connection. Waiting feels like pressure. Pressure sends them back to their room.
Let it end naturally. If he leaves after two minutes, that’s a win. He came out. He’ll come out again sooner if the visit felt easy.
This is how connection with boys is strengthened. Not in long conversations. In a hundred small, easy moments where he is valued just for being there.
If you’d like my free guide for teens in transition, comment PDF or DM me and I’ll send it to you.
Tell me what your son’s room dynamic is like right now. Is he coming out at all? Are the moments hard or easy when he does? I read every comment.
In partnership,
Allison 💙
Allison C. Dankner, M.S. Ed, MCPC, CPLC, CFC
Concierge Master Life Coach for Kids, Teens, Young Adults — and Their Parents
25+ years of supporting families
LAST WEEK IN MY PRACTICE 💙
Something parents desperately need to hear about what lingers after abusive relationships and bullying end.
In partnership,
Allison 💙
Allison C. Dankner, M.S. Ed, MCPC, CPLC, CFC
Concierge Master Life Coach for Kids, Teens, Young Adults — and Their Parents
25+ years of supporting families
Last week in my practice. 💙
I want to share something parents desperately need to hear.
When a kiddo has been in an abusive relationship, or has been deeply bullied, the damage doesn’t end when the relationship does. It lingers. It lives inside their self-narrative.
I have a young man I worked with who, a year after an abusive friendship ended, still feels humiliated and ashamed when someone associated with the bully walks past him.
I have a girl who, long after the relationship ended, asks her mother “am I a slut?” after a normal date, because that’s what her ex-boyfriend used to call her.
I worked with a boy this week whose bullies’ voices became his OWN self-talk. We had to do real work replacing those voices with truer ones.
Parents, please hear me. The voices they heard don’t leave when the person does. The narrative they were given becomes the narrative they tell themselves.
If your kiddo has come through something like this, please don’t assume they’re fine because the relationship ended. Watch for the lingering voice. Listen for what they say about themselves when they’re tired or vulnerable.
And get them support. Because something happened TO them, and they deserve help putting it down.
The good news: this work can be repaired. The voices CAN be replaced with truer ones. It takes time, the right support, and patience with the rebuild. But it can be done. I see it happen in my practice every week.
In partnership,
Allison 💙
Allison C. Dankner, M.S. Ed, MCPC, CPLC, CFC
Concierge Master Life Coach for Kids, Teens, Young Adults — and Their Parents
25+ years of supporting families
As parents and caregivers, we are usually so good at noticing what everyone else needs that we forget to ask ourselves.
So today, try it. Once. Twice. Check in with yourself. See what comes up.
That’s the work.
In partnership,
Allison 💙
Allison C. Dankner, M.S. Ed, MCPC, CPLC, CFC
Concierge Master Life Coach for Kids, Teens, Young Adults — and Their Parents
25+ years of supporting families
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