My Brave Mama

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“You played in the water for almost three hours today.”

I barely mouthed those words to my 4-year-old son with my eyes closed, lying on the lounge chair on the balcony of our rental condo as the hot, sandy, and salty day we had at the beach was winding down.

“I know! It was so much fun. I’d stay longer if you let me. Can I stay in the water longer tomorrow? Mom... mom, mom, m-o-o-o-om? Are you listening?”

I was smiling and savoring the sounds of excitement and enthusiasm in my boy’s sweet voice while drifting in and out of a coma-like state only a scorching hot sunny day at the beach can do to a person.

“Mom! Can I stay in the water longer tomorrow?”

Suddenly, an idea like unexpected lighting, a bolt of pure white light illuminating the entire beach in a blinding flash, hit me and shook me out of my lazy snooze.

I felt like someone had poured a bucket of cold water on my head. I sat up, grabbed my knees, trying to contain my excitement, and asked him calmly.

“You know how you didn’t want to go into the water at first?”

“Yeah?” he said hesitantly.

“Why was that?” I smiled.

“I don’t know.” He shrugged his shoulders and kept them next to his years for a few seconds as if he forgot how to bring them back down.

My son was getting annoyed because he knew an avalanche of questions was about to come his way.

“Remember how at first you said that the water was ice-cold, and then you ran back out, and even though you really wanted to go in, you wouldn’t even try?” I asked gently but looked laser-focused on his face.

“Ugh! Not again. I don’t like these questions, mom. Can we please not do this again?”

I was numbing the pain inside me and managed to answer him cheerfully.

“OK, I’ll just say what I think, and you can correct me if I’m wrong.”

“Fine…” He released a sigh of relief and annoyance and hesitantly gave me permission to go on.

“You know what I think? I think what happened at the beach today proved that you’re brave and can do anything you put your mind to, even if it seems impossible at first. Do you know how I know? I know this, because despite being scared of the cold water, you came back and tried again. You were still scared, but you did a couple more steps and kept trying.”

“Mom, I know. You told me this a million times that trying always works.” He said it in a funny and kind of mocking voice to mimic me. “I thought I would freeze and drown, " he blurted out.

“You didn’t have to go in. You could do plenty of other things, like making sand castles. But you went in despite your fear. And guess what? It was so worth it, right? It was so much fun that you didn’t want to come out. And whatever bad thing you thought might happen ended up not being true. That’s because when you’re brave, the fear is scared of you.”

I paused, checked to ensure I still had his attention and went on the offense against this monster called Selective Mutism holding my son hostage.

“So do you agree that’s what happened?”

“I… guess…But I still don’t like these talks. They’re dumb.”

I wasn’t going to give up. I kept on gently pushing my “agenda”.

“You know what this is similar to? This is just like when you don’t talk to some people in public and freeze like you did in the water today. Then you distract yourself so you don’t have to try. And just like you didn’t have to go back in the water, you don’t have to talk. But if you TRY like you tried today, then you’ll see how brave you are. You don’t have to talk, but you have to try. Trying is what’s brave. A lot of times we think something bad will happen, like you thought you’d freeze and drown in the water, but it turned out to be a lot of fun and made you happy, right? Well, that’s because you tried despite being scared. Do you think you can TRY to talk next time someone asks you a question?”

Now I froze because I feared he’d run away from me or change the subject. After all, it’d happened so many times before, but I wasn’t going to give up no matter how hard it hurt me inside.

My bright, handsome, adorable boy looked down for a moment, got a little teary-eyed and just when I thought he wasn’t going to answer me, he looked at me and said: “ OK! I’ll try if you promise not to ask these questions anymore. I hate these questions.”

“You promise?” I exclaimed.

“Does it count if I try but still can’t talk?”

“Sure!” I sang. “But you have to promise that you will try. I can always tell whether you’re trying something or just avoiding it. I can see it in your eyes”

“Yeah, I promise.”

I hugged my boy so tight and asked in a silly voice: “Last question, last question, how can I spoil you now? Ice cream? Movie?”

“Oh, I know!” he giggled, “How about going back to the beach and playing in the water?”

“Dude, that’s crazy! It’s pitch black out there.”

“It’s OK, mom. Just TRY! Remember? Trying always works.”

If you're a Mama of a child with Selective Mutism...

Why do so many brilliant, self-confident people procrastinate and get stuck in the never ending cycle of procrasti-learning so they don’t have to take real action?

“One more skillset and I’ll be able to take off.”

Is it fear, perfectionism, overwhelm?

According to psychologists, self-confidence is only a state of BEING. It’s an ATTITUDE. It says “I have what it takes.”

So we keep hoarding on those “what it takes”.

What we need to develop alongside our self-confidence is self-efficacy. It’s a state of DOING. It’s BEHAVIOR.
It says “I’m able, therefore I will.”

Behavior is a manifestation of our beliefs, thoughts and feelings.

Having our WHY front and center will help us keep our beliefs, thoughts and feelings in perfect health and harmony, which will justify and self-motivate our behavior - the self-efficacy.

It really is a perfect duo to keep us moving closer to our goals each and every day.

Parenting is one of the oldest jobs in the history of humanity, yet we still haven’t perfected it. With billions of experiences to learn from throughout centuries, we still get it wrong. Many times. All the time.

So give yourself grace, ditch that mom guilt and enjoy the precious time with your children while doing the best you can with your best knowhow.

The moment we accept that we can’t be perfect, but we can give our boundless love and support to our children, is when the permission to embrace the bond of closest beings in the universe without any rules or conditions to obey upon, is granted.

Look at your child and see the miracle you get to grow. You are that good. You are a miracle.

𝘿𝙤 𝙔𝙤𝙪 𝙃𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝘽𝙖𝙗𝙮 𝙀𝙡𝙚𝙥𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙎𝙮𝙣𝙙𝙧𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝙤𝙧 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙨 𝙖 𝙇𝙞𝙢𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝘽𝙚𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙛 𝘼𝙣𝙮𝙬𝙖𝙮?

Did you know baby elephants in captivity were tied to a tree with a strong rope to keep them from roaming away?

The baby elephant would try to pull it with all its might to break free, but after struggling for a while it would give up and accept the rope’s hold being stronger than him and would never try pulling that rope again.

Once the baby elephant is a fully grown, strong, and powerful beast, it can be tied to a tree with a thin rope that can be torn in a second by this elephant (heck! He can even uproot the damn tree) yet he doesn’t ever try and stays tied to the tree for as long as that fragile rope is there to keep him from moving away.
The elephant DOESN’T BELIEVE it can break the rope. His mind is CONDITIONED by his prior experiences that the rope is stronger than him therefore he doesn’t make the slightest attempt to TRY, despite having the enormous capability to successfully untie himself.

Not believing in ourselves is a condition instilled in us by people, past life experiences, and failures we have experienced which got ingrained into our mindset that we can’t do something, while the truth is the exact opposite.

NOT TRYING because we DON’T BELIEVE we can, while tied by a tiny fragile rope is the most dangerous lie we lead our lives by.
We just accept the belief that the rope is unbreakable. The idea of something being impossible, while it is very much possible and within our ability to accomplish it is a LIMITING BELIEF that keeps us from doing what we are meant to do.

This doesn’t come just from our past though. People around you carrying ropes, and waiting to tie you up to the tree are everywhere.
They are some of your friends, family, colleagues, bosses, spouses, teachers, politicians, anyone really.
You, yes YOU, might be tying someone else with a rope without realizing it.

So anyway, I know today is not a Monday or the first day of the month or New Year’s day, but it’s a GOOD DAY to start TRYING tugging on that rope. You may, no actually, you WILL surprise yourself, maybe even be shocked by learning what you’re capable of.

Tearing the rope of our limiting beliefs can set us free and make us go places we didn’t even know existed.

Parents often think talking to their child about what the child is anxious about will make the anxiety worse.
There is a right and wrong way of doing it, but getting your child to express how they feel about it is crucial for overcoming anxiety.