Recover From Religion

My youngest sister stepped away for the church several years ago. It wasn’t an overt action- he husband wasn’t a member and their attendance just dwindled over the years. She has good memories of growing up in the church and harbors no ill will toward it. Recently she lamented that she had failed to raise her (now teen) kids in an organized religion. She was concerned she’d failed to provide them with a moral framework.

Now, let me just say that her kids are absolutely amazing. Kind, empathetic, hard-working, and really funny. They are all extremely close as a family. They are some of the most moral children I know, because they have wonderful parents who have taught them values and modeled love an in d charity.

So - what’s better for a child’s development? Growing up in a coercive religious environment with a strong moral framework, or growing up without any religious teachings on morality? Here’s the lowdown:

👼 Religious Environment Pros: Provides a clear set of values, offering stability and direction.
🛑 Religious Cons: If overly coercive, it can suppress critical thinking, individuality, and emotional expression, potentially leading to psychological stress.
🌱 Non-Religious Environment Pros: Encourages kids to develop their own morals through exploration, critical thinking and independence.
🤔 Non-Religious Environment Cons: Without structured moral guidance, some kids might feel uncertain about moral decisions. However, strong secular ethics and role models can be role models to bridge this gap.

Personally I think removing my kids from the church was one of the best things I did for them as a parent.
What are your thoughts on this?

Suggested by YOU!!

The Big List of Blasphemous Books

LOVED all your suggestions! Here are all your recommendations compiled into one big blasphemous booklist:

“Leaving the Fold” - Marlene Winell
“Waking Up” - Sam Harris
“Freedom of Mind” - Steven Hassan
“Crucifying the Bible” - Deborah Grace
“The Dance of the Dissident Daughter” - Sue Monk Kidd
“Educated” - Tara Westover
“The Ghosts of Eternal Polygamy” - Carol Lynn Pearson
“Untamed” - Glennon Doyle
“When Religion Hurts You” - Laura E. Anderson PhD
“Recovering Agency” - Luna Lindsey
“The God Delusion” - Richard Dawkins
“God is Not Great” - Christopher Hitchens
“How Religion Poisons Everything” - Christopher HItchens
“Take Back Your Life” - Janja Lalich and Madeline Tobias
“Biblical Literalism” - John Shelly Spong
“You are Not So Smart” - David McRaney
“Letters to a Leaving Morrmon” - Ashley Mae Hoiland
“Leaving the Witness” - Amber Scorah
“Unfollow” - Megan Phelps-Roper
“Confessions of a Former Fox News Christian” - Seth Andrews
“An Insider’s View of Mormon Origins” - Grant Palmer
“Wife Number 19” - Eliza Ann Young

If you have developed a subjugation schema, you may feel an excessive need to obey others’ demands in order to dodge negative outcomes. You often ignore your own needs, desires, feelings, opinions, or decisions. These behaviors link closely to feelings of helplessness, feeling trapped, or the inability to assert yourself.

Mental shortcuts, known as schemas, help us process information. When you face a situation where negative consequences seem likely, your subjugation schema kicks in, leading to behaviors driven by compliance, or, on the other extreme, to angry, passive-aggressive actions. In addition, we may regress to various forms of self-soothing (often toxic) coping skills to regulate our emotions. However, it’s possible to shift to a positive schema that fosters feelings of safety, empowerment, and confidence.

When your Subjugation schema activates, you typically respond in one of three ways:

1. Surrender: You let others make decisions for you, giving them control over almost everything you do.
2. You sidestep potential disagreements to prevent feelings of anxiety.
3. Overcompensation: You might act rebelliously towards authority figures, including bosses or friends, who request you to do something.
The Subjugation Schema’s impacts include: neglecting to return calls, ignoring people, arriving late, or doing tasks without enthusiasm. We often end up pleasing others at the expense of our true selves. Over time, we realize we’re not being authentic. This can cause us to create unhealthy relationships, accumulate hidden anger, and unexpectedly vent on others.
Risk factors include:
- Being raised in a strict environment where expressing feelings or speaking up was risky
- Belonging to a coercive religion demanding strict obedience, and
- Experiencing trauma from physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.

How do we release a subjugation schema? Here are a few ideas to try:
- practice assertiveness (start small)
- set boundaries
- give self-compassion
- see a therapist
- use positive affirmations
- celebrate progress

This morning’s General Conference talk by Elder Jack N. Gerard made the assertion that people who criticize the church - or even the culture of the church - lack integrity.

The post is a screenshot of an LDS thread, and a member’s statement supporting the idea that any criticism of the church is unsound.

My reaction is to all of it is….. What the actual F?

First of all, screw the whole idea that showing integrity involves keeping your mouth shut when you see things happening that are potentially damaging or harmful to others.

Secondly - I have been active in the ex-mormon community for many years. I have never, not once, seen a post or a comment degrading cheery relief society members, the way mormon women dress, Stanley cups (I don’t even know what this refers to!), chubby arms, or mom culture.

NEVER.

The poster states that criticisms of the Mormon Church are predominantly superficial and misogynistic… all while belonging to one of the most misogynistic religions in the US.

What do ex-Mormons and critics actually oppose? Oh, things like the church rewriting and hiding its history, coercive control, financial demands, purity culture, managing members through shame, the lack of critical thinking, and toxic perfectionism; and MY list could go on and on.

In contrast, what we DO criticize is the misogyny that exists WITHIN the church - the patriarchal structure, incredibly skewed gender roles, and the terrible treatment of LGBTQ+ members. These criticisms are far from being mere comments on women’s fashion or demeanor; they are substantive discussions about the need for human equality and autonomy.

The reality is that most criticisms actually stem from a deep engagement with and understanding of church’s teachings, history, and practices - not from superficial or gendered observations.

We did not leave the church in order to make fun of women. We did exactly the opposite.

In the words of the iconic Alanis Morisette, “Isn’t it ironic… don’t you think?” 😂

Hey everyone! We’re peeling back the layers on something super important but not talked about enough: the impact of religious beliefs and community involvement on those navigating the aftermath of child spiritual abuse.

Religion can play a huge role in this journey. It can make survivors feel ashamed, pressure them to keep quiet, or even make them feel like it’s their fault. Sometimes, toxic religions push forgiveness too quickly without making sure the survivor is safe, thus granting further access to abusers. Or, it gives abusers a way to justify their actions by masking them as “holy.”

I’m on a mission to explore all the ways religion intersects with healing and support for child spiritual abuse survivors and their families, including some stuff that hasn’t been fully uncovered yet. For me, I learned to repress my emotions, hide my true thoughts, inhabit a false identity in order to be included, and accept abusive behavior because I was supposed to be meek and obedient. As an adult, these dynamics made me the perfect target for con artists who looked for vulnerable, empathetic people to victimize.
How did child spiritual abuse affect you, as a child and now as an adult?

Let’s start the conversation and spread some awareness and love for those walking this path❤️

Calling all truth-seekers and storytellers!

Are you ready to expose those who've woven webs of deception? Do you have a tale to tell about your encounters with liars, con artists, or lying institutions? 🕷️🤥

We're excited to announce our upcoming podcast series, "Tell Me Lies"! Join us as we dive deep into the intriguing world of deception, one gripping story at a time.

But here's where YOU come in! We're on the hunt for courageous individuals who are willing to share their personal experiences with lies and deceit. Whether it's a partner's secret life, a company's shady dealings, membership in a cult (coercive group), or a friend's elaborate fabrications - we want to hear it all!

This podcast is meant to boost mental health and encourage healing!

1️⃣ Catharsis Through Storytelling: Sharing your experiences with lies or listening to others' stories can be incredibly therapeutic. It's a chance to release pent-up emotions, find closure, and realize that you're not alone.

2️⃣ Empowerment: Unveiling deception can be empowering! When you speak the truth, you regain control over your narrative, leading to a sense of strength and self-assurance.

3️⃣ Validation: Many of us have faced gaslighting or doubted our instincts when dealing with liars. Hearing similar stories can validate your feelings, helping you trust your judgment and intuition.

4️⃣ Learning to Spot Liars: By delving into the stories on "Tell Me Lies," you can become more skilled at recognizing deception in your own life, thus reducing the likelihood of being deceived in the future.

5️⃣ Community Support: Being part of a community that understands your experiences can be a tremendous source of support and healing. Together, we can overcome the scars left by deception.

If you've got a captivating story to tell or know someone who does, here's how you can get involved:

Go to TellMeLiesPodcast.com to send in your submission.

Share this post on your own feed or stories to spread the word and help us find the most intriguing tales of duplicity out there! Use the hashtag so we can easily spot your posts.

Coercive groups give “The Matrix” a run for its money. Leaders create an alternate reality, twisting the world as we know it backward and inside out. When someone within the group starts to doubt or question what's going on, they end up looking like the odd one out, and their concerns might seem confusing or even silly. Meanwhile, the leadership pretends that they’re the most sensible and level-headed people around.

Leaders work hard to build an image of themselves as trustworthy and morally upright. They discourage any form of questioning or differing opinions. Their sheer unadulterated confidence persuades members that their assertions must be true. If anyone dares to object or express an alternate perspective, they are quickly discredited.

The group's narrative is carefully constructed to fit their agenda. They might cherry-pick facts or obscure events to make their lies seem believable within their distorted worldview. Meanwhile, anyone who tries to point out the flaws in their story is painted as confused or misguided.

To make things worse, these groups sometimes try to tarnish the reputation of dissenters or manipulate them psychologically. They might spread rumors or even try to convince their members that those who disagree are mentally unstable, unrighteous, or lacking faith. This not only discredits the dissenters' arguments but also makes them appear unreliable.

In this environment, the leaders of the coercive group position themselves as the voice of reason and stability. They pretend they're the sole disseminators of “truth”, and questioning them invites chaos. This makes it incredibly difficult for members to break free from the group's control because it requires going against the flow.

Coercive groups are experts at making their lies seem logical and rational while making dissenters appear confusing or foolish. They do this by manipulating their members and discouraging critical thinking. Breaking free from this kind of deception is a challenging journey, and those who question the status quo often face a tough road ahead.

This quote hit me hard.

It made me think of growing up in the church and grappling with the entire concept of polygamy. As a child/teen in WA, I was always told that plural marriage was completely optional in the Celestial Kingdom, and not required of those who didn’t wish to participate.

And then I got to BYU.

I was sitting in a (required) D&C class, and at age 20 I’d already been sealed to my (now-ex) husband for a year. It’s impossible to “study” Doctrine and Covenants without the sticky subject of polygamy coming up.

As the students asked questions of the professor and shared their perspectives with the class, I realized with growing horror that what I had been taught as a child was not the general consensus. In fact, it seemed that the opposite was generally accepted as the truth.

I heard things like,

“Well, of course participating in plural marriage is required to enter the Celestial Kingdom.”

“Everyone knows that we’ll be required to live it in the next life.”

I looked to the professor in the vain hope that he would correct these obviously misinformed students who seemed to cheerfully accept my worst nightmare as our eventual fate.

He didn’t.

I was surrounded by students who all had knowledge I did not. I had unknowingly been bound by an eternal contract agreed to without my consent. And it was too late to get out.

I sat in silence, the blood drained from my face, feeling the weight of the lie I’d believed descending on me. What could I say? How could I object? Who would hear me, anyway?

Truly, there was “nothing so humiliating as being unable to express myself…behind a mask of humility, I seethed with mute rebellion.”

My soul rebelled, but there I sat, in silence.

A teen overheard me taking to my attorney today. Later, I found she’d left this note for me. It touched my heart. ❤️

Though it wasn’t regarding the church, it hit home on many levels.

So, I just want to say the same to all of you… it was terrible. But you got out. Don’t forget that.

Ever heard the saying, "When you're wearing rose-colored glasses, nothing looks like a red flag?" It perfectly captures how often church members willingly choose to be blissfully unaware.

From exclusive memberships to the blinding sparkle of toxic positivity, let's dive into how our favorite tinted eyewear makes us miss those glaring crimson signals.

No one needs the real world when they can join a high-demand church. Of course, the conditioning doesn’t start with an initiation ceremony full of weird rituals. Nope, the leaders lure you in with the promise of community and some “groundbreaking” beliefs. Everything appears so ideal. And, best of all, no one is ever sad in this perfect alternate reality.

They love to give promises, make covenants, and vow future blessings if you do what they want. Why not paint such a rosy future? Sure, it might be as real as a unicorn, but who’s checking?

Charismatic leaders convince you their “church” is so special that you don’t even notice they’re leading you in completely the wrong direction. They’re guiding you straight into the world of pseudo personalities and emotional repression.

Why face challenges head-on when you can just sweep them under a carpet of fake smiles? Real problems? Just pray them away.

Feeling sad? Just smile! Facing adversity? Remember, everything happens for a reason (even if the reason is absurd). Welcome to toxic positivity, where genuine emotions go to be invalidated.
After all, in the rose-tinted realm, struggle doesn’t exist.

In the glittery world of toxic positivity, if you're not beaming like a lighthouse 24/7, you're obviously doing life wrong. Maybe you don’t actually belong here.

So, still enjoying those rose-colored glasses? Remember, they might offer an Instagram-filtered view of life, but might also have you miss out on those glaring, waving, unmissable warning signs - like the church’s history of sexism, racism, abuse, dishonesty, and embezzlement. When you finally take the glasses off, you’ll see a hundred waving flags - and they’ve always been bright red.

In primary, this is what was taught about emotions:
● Emotions are external influences: Positive emotions are gifts from God; negative ones are tricks of Satan. We are warned about owning our true emotions, making us wary of any negative feelings, even when perfectly valid.
● Emotions are indicators of our choices. The idea that our fluctuating feelings should dictate the “right” or “wrong” of any decision causes overwhelming anxiety.
● Emotions reflect our moral standing. If we equate good deeds with happiness and bad deeds with unhappiness, if we are “good” we should always feel joyful - any unhappiness indicates we’ve done something “bad.”
● Intense emotions must be controlled. Within the church, there's a limited range of acceptable feelings to ensure the spirit's constant presence, emphasizing a few mild positive emotions. This trains us to suppress any discomforting feelings, causing anxiety, reduced self-understanding, and a sense of not being wholly present.
● Emotions testify of Truth. This misconception argues that profound positive emotions confirm the truthfulness of the church.
These misconceptions solidify the church’s manipulations in our minds. When positive emotions are deemed sacred, they become unchangeable, and we become incapable of considering beneficial changes or challenges to our childhood beliefs.

The three things you lose…