Heather Atles Relationship, Sex, & Intimacy Coaching

12 questions you need to ask your partner before getting married. 👇

Once the engagement happens, many couples spend more time planning the wedding than deepening their connection.

Get to know your partner, for real. Not the surface version. The real person. The one that shows up when things get hard.

Go slow. Take on one at a time. Listen without fixing.

1. What’s your preferred love language to receive — and do you actually feel like you get it?

2. Were your parents affectionate — and how did that shape you?

3. What kind of flirting feels natural to you — and what kind makes you shut down?

4. What makes it easier for you to relax into connection?

5. When are you your own worst enemy?

6. What part of your past shaped you in ways that still surprise you?

7. What’s something you’ve judged yourself for wanting?

8. Do you find it easy or difficult to say “I love you?”

9. What helps you settle after feeling overwhelmed or triggered?

10. What does non-sexual intimacy look like for you?

11. What kind of attention makes you feel like the only person in the room?

12. What is one compliment you’d love to receive from me — for the rest of your life?

The relationship you actually want is built in moments created by learning these things about each other.

Somewhere along the way a lot of couples quietly flip a switch. You start processing the hard stuff with your friends, your sister, your coworker, anyone really — and by the time you get home, you’ve already unpacked it all. Your partner gets the highlight reel. Or nothing.

Here are 5 questions to start bringing it back inside the relationship where it belongs:

1. What’s something happening in your life right now that you’d love my perspective on?

2. What’s a part of your day I’d be surprised by if I could actually see it?

3. Is there a way I could come to you with the messy, unprocessed version of things — before I’ve figured it all out?

4. What’s something you wish you knew more about what’s going on in my world right now?

5. Is there something you’ve been celebrating internally that never really got acknowledged out loud?

Your partner can’t show up for what they don’t know you’re carrying.

Let them in.

Routine who? We’ve never heard of her.

Routine is sneaky.

It doesn’t announce itself. One day you’re spontaneous and all over each other, and the next you’re realizing intimacy has become something that happens on Friday nights if you’re not too tired or distracted.

Here’s 8 questions to reopen a conversation most couples stopped having.

1. What’s something I used to do that made you feel deeply desired?

2. Is there anything you want to explore but it feels edgy to ask for?

3. Is there a kind of touch, attention, or pursuit you’ve been missing from me?

4. When do you feel most physically connected to me — and what makes those moments different?

5. Is there anything quietly killing the mood for you?

6. What helps you feel emotionally or energetically open to intimacy?

7. Is there a version of us — more playful, more present, more adventurous — that you miss?

8. What would make being close feel exciting again — not pressured, not performative, but genuinely alive?

Before you jump into these questions, make a little room. Don’t attempt when you’re exhausted or cranky. Don’t make it a test. Don’t demand instant chemistry.

The spark between you two doesn’t have to be a fluke. It needs some honesty and some playfulness.