CaregivingElderlyParents

10/04/2017

What I Love (and Admire) About My Mom

My mom turned 94 this past week. She still lives independently in her home where I grew up. I visit her for long talks, to watch the Cincinnati Reds games on TV, and to help her out around the house several times each week. In the attached photo you see her holding two of her great, GREAT grandchildren. She has another one now, another girl. We are blessed to be a FIVE generation family.

Whenever she needs something I see that Mom gets it. So it is hard to come up with a birthday surprise. This year I framed a list of things I admire about my mom, read it to her aloud, and placed it on her shelf nearby. You see the title above: What I Love and Admire About My Mom.

- She is a great listener.
- She has been through many challenges and therefore gives
wonderful advice.
- She worked hard during a time when women were paid quite
poorly, but always managed to scrape the money together
for what her kids needed.
- She very frugally saved her money so that she is (NOT
wealthy) but able to live independently.
- She give more than she receives.
- She has a great sense of humor and laughs easily.
- I love watching Reds baseball games with her. She cheers
like some kind of redneck wrestling fan.
- When something good happens in life, she is the FIRST person
I want to tell.
- When something bad happens to me in life, she is the FIRST
person I want to tell.
- She is 94 and yet she still means all these things to me.
I love you Mom!
Dauna

05/01/2017

I love watching the Cincinnati Reds baseball games on TV with my 93 year-old mom. Last night the dialogue between us went something like this.
Mom: Oh, look Metamora is back.
Me: Mesaroco
Mom: What?
Me: His name is Devon Mesaroco, Mom.
Mom: Oh shoot. I can never remember his name.
Me: Well he's been away, disabled, for a while.
Mom: What was that I used to call him?
Me: Metamucil
Mom: Oh that's right. I like Metamucil. I can remember that.
Me: OK Mom. Metamucil it is.

Mom doesn't have alzheimers or even dementia. But she has never been able to remember names very well...ever. This unfortunately is a trait I have inherited from her.

You know what I believe? The details don't matter so much. Mom and I both enjoy spending time together watching the Reds play ball. Sharing a passion, doing something jointly we both enjoy, that is what's important. We both look forward to those games. Metamora, Metamucil, we're busy making memories.

02/02/2017

Recently I shared something with my mom that turned out to be a wonderful experience for both of us. Mom is 93 and still lives in her home independently (with some great people coming and going to help her from time to time). During the baseball season we like to watch the Cincinnati Reds games on TV. Now that my husband is deceased Mom and I watch baseball at her house several times a week. But baseball doesn't last all year.

While I was looking for something for us to do together in the middle of the winter, a great idea dawned on me. We both love the show Fixer Upper on HGTV. Chip and Joanna Gaines are fun to watch as they do amazing remodeling projects on homes for their clients.
A couple of months ago they wrote a book about the story of their lives together titled, The Magnolia Story. I read the book cover to cover almost immediately. I kept trying to tell mom about the parts that touched me, inspired me or made me laugh. She was delighted to listen to things I shared with her.

Finally it occurred to me to read the entire book orally to her. Wow! I can't tell you how much we enjoyed that experience...BOTH of us. I'd read a while and we would talk about what just happened in the book. It is hard to describe what a wonderful bonding experience it was for us. I know we enjoyed it so much we will do more sharing books together. I'll read. She'll listen and we both will share our feelings about the book.

I have two parents who are 93. They divorced decades ago. Sometimes I wonder what I will talk about when I visit them. This is a bigger challenge with my dad than my mom. My mom and I are very close and share many interests. I wonder why I didn't think of reading a book to each of them sooner.

IF you've never tried reading to your elderly parent, I highly encourage you to give it a try. I'm so close to my mom, it is hard to think of anything drawing us even tighter together, but this experience went far beyond both our expectations.

Below I'm going to share of photo of my mom with my granddaughter, Kaci. Mom went to see Kaci perform as a bird girl in Seussical the Musical. This is mom's great, granddaughter. If you are a regular reader of our website, you know that my parents have great, great grandchildren now. We have five generations of love stacked up. Why did it take me so long to come up with this great idea of reading aloud?

Dauna Easley
Co-author of Caregiving Elderly Parents

07/18/2016

Amazingly our family has FIVE generations alive. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it. The photo I've attached below was taken within the past week as I write this. You're looking at my 92 year old mother holding both of her great, GREAT grandchildren. The cutie on the left is Mia who is 1 1/2 and the handsome baby on the right is Zayden who will be one in October. The happy great, great grandma is my mom. How can I be so lucky? Sometimes my good fortune overwhelms me.

Astonishingly my father is also still alive. However, my parents are no longer married. My mother still lives independently In the home where I grow up. In this photo you see her sitting in her favorite chair. But at Mother's age "independently" is a relative term. I visit her several times a week. Occasionally (like yesterday) I get a call at 5 am when she needs me right away.

This time of year Mom and I watch baseball games together. Fortunately we are both loyal fans of the Cincinnati Reds. It's a wonderful blessing to have something to share with your mom at an age that I never dreamed she would live to experience. We cheer loudly and lament over our players. They give us plenty to talk about. Mom gives them a wealth of unsolicited advice right from her chair. Lately it has occurred to me that Right Now I am making some of my very favorite memories with my mom. How priceless is that?

07/08/2016

If you've ever gone through a really stressful time, you've learned that a year later...near the anniversary of the big stressor...you seem to emotionally relive the experience. This week I'm in the throes of a nightmare revisited. During the very last days of June last year, my 91 year old dad showed up at my door with nothing but a suitcase and a long list of challenges. His wife (not my mom) was in a wheelchair. They had been evicted for nonpayment of rent. His wife wanted and needed an assisted living facility. He was dead set against any move in that direction. The following weeks kept revealing more and more problems that my dad was hiding from me. I was forced to learn about the Medicaid system on the fast forward setting. Throughout all my efforts on his behalf he fought every move I made like the roadrunner harasses Wiley Coyote. meep-meep.

This week the papers showed up for the Medicaid renewal process. My heart clutched when I saw the envelope in the mail. How could a year have passed so quickly? Of course, not ALL the papers arrived. That would mean logic prevails. I received his wife's paper and not his. ?? Where is my dad's paperwork? And once again the documents leave me with more questions than understanding. The paperwork lists a number so you can call a caseworker. I placed a half dozen calls last year to that number but never once talked to the caseworker. That number will keep you waiting for 50 minutes to talk to a harried person who finally answers the phone but not any of your questions. This year, I'm not fooled... only stressed.

The good news...aren't we supposed to end each complaint on a happy note? It's good manners our moms taught us. The good news is my dad is doing well and our relationship is intact. Sure he complains about his assisted living facility, especially the food. But the truth is I can't remember my dad ever not being picky about food. Every time I visit my dad I find him in a different place in the facility. He is a roamer. Fortunately he is alert and mobile and that doesn't present a problem to his safety. The staff members seem to treat his sometimes bad manners with humor. There's a lucky break I couldn't predict. Today I have to go back to see a staff member in charge of Medicaid. She won't answer my questions. But this year I know I'll find a way to come up with my own solutions. I'll get through this. Today my dad will be happy. He knows I'm taking him to Skyline. (Sorry you have to be a Cincinnatian to understand how sometimes Skyline can cure anything).

06/25/2016

Over the years my mom and I have gone through many transformations in our relationship. While my life has zigzagged this way and that she has been a common thread. She has served as an advisor, coach, cheerleader and counselor. Last year I updated her bathroom giving it a new paint job, shower curtain and such. But the favorite wall piece I added says, "Keep Calm and Call Mom." A mantra for my life.

Mom is now 92 and amazingly still lives independently in the home where I grew up. For the past couple of decades I have felt more like her mom than the other way around; as I helped her maneuver through difficult surgeries, rehabs, and important late-in-life decisions. Two decades ago we were going shopping or to craft shows most weekends. Now taking her out is more of an ordeal. But we sometimes still take the occasional trip to a favorite store. (Her favorite stores are those with electric carts for customers).

In the past couple of years our relationship seems to revolve around baseball games. We both are fans of the Cincinnati Reds. More and more often I go to her house and we watch the game together...several times a week during baseball season. Being a Reds fan is a lot like real life. Some days you're elated and other days you want to scream no-no words.

The Reds say they are in a "rebuilding year." I guess my mom and I are too. I never dreamed in our craft show days this is what I would be doing in 2016. How could I dare to hope my mom would still be alive? I've lost a daughter and a husband but my close relationship with my mother has survived...a blessing I never expected. As we cheer and lament together about the game on TV, we share the daily events of our lives, have dinner or snacks together and give lots of unsolicited advice to the guys on the screen.

Do those guys listen to us? Nah. It seems some things in life never change.

06/20/2016

Reflecting on Father's Day. I've read with envy the many warm tributes about fathers on face book. I wish my relationship with my dad was as pleasant as most Father's Day cards describe. But candidly, it wasn't. If you've read our book, Caregiving for Elderly Parents, you know the challenges I faced growing up with my dad.

In the past year I have been markedly missing from my own website. Why? Because I was raised hearing that popular message of our generation, "If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all." Sharing warm and fuzzy sentiments this past year has been too difficult to face.

My 92 year old dad showed up at my door with a suitcase June 28, 2015. The following six months proved to be one of these most difficult times in my life. His suitcase held almost nothing but his recent backstory was a ticking time bomb full of problems. He had been evicted (not for the first time) for non payment of his rent. His driver's license had been taken away by the police. His car was impounded. These were only two facts he didn't share with me. There was a lawsuit against him. (Another fact he didn't confess). His wife (not my mother) was in a wheelchair. Her family had taken her in but sent him on his way...to me.

Yesterday was Father's Day 2016. I took my dad out to lunch at his favorite restaurant...a shabby diner which originated in the 1940's with an actual sign inside that say's "Kiss My Grits!" The place was packed with people of my dad's generation. The booths were well worn plastic but the food was good. We talked and even laughed a little. I consider it a great success that we have both survived this year.

Confession: Mentally healthy people have suffered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for less than what I went through with my dad this past year. I've co-authored a book a few years back about caring for elderly parents but was still ill prepared for all that I faced with my dad. He is that kind of a guy. Maybe you know someone like him, but I doubt it.

But I survived. I actually made it...and so did he. Writing even just this one humble post has been difficult beyond words and even started on an impulse. Maybe I will be able to share more about this past year. Maybe not. Let me just say this...if I could make it through this year there is hope for anyone.

04/11/2014

Caring for elderly parents mean dealing with their stuff. A niggling fear surfaces: you have even more stuff!
http://caregivingelderlyparents.com/2014/too-much-stuff/

12/15/2013

I play many roles; wife, mom, Grammy, teacher, speaker, writer...but somehow my family only values me as a chauffeur. I feel like I'm living in the movie Driving Miss Daisy.http://caregivingelderlyparents.com/2013/driving-miss-daisy/

I am a wife, mom, Grammy and friend I'm a teacher, writer and speaker. But my family only thinks of me as their chauffeur.

10/29/2013

Have you been caring for your elderly parents and finding that YOU somehow became a "senior" yourself?
http://caregivingelderlyparents.com/2013/are-you-suddenly-a-senior/

Are you caring for elderly parents and suddenly find that YOU are a senior yourself?

08/22/2013

Signs of life come in unexpected moments when caring for an aging parent.
http://caregivingelderlyparents.com/2013/signs-of-life/

My Mother had to have serious surgery as she was about to turn 90. All along the difficult recovery path I noticed tiny signs of life.

08/22/2013

Signs of life come in unexpected moments when caring for an aging parent.