Get Your Marriage On

When couples ask whether m@sturbation is okay, they often want someone outside their marriage to draw a clear line for them.

But the same practice can produce very different results in different relationships.

For one couple, it may encourage playfulness, body awareness, and connection. For another, it may create secrecy, distance, or avoidance.

That’s why the conversation matters.

You don’t have to begin with judgment—or force yourselves to agree immediately. Begin by getting curious about what the practice means to each of you and what it is actually producing in your relationship.

These seven questions can help you move beyond a fearful yes-or-no debate and toward a wiser, more honest decision you make together.

Save this carousel, then choose a calm time to talk through the questions with your spouse.

Want to hear the full conversation? Follow the link in the comments to listen to the episode or watch it on YouTube.

For years, I asked my wife to initiate s*x more often because I wanted to feel chosen and desired. Instead, my requests created pressure, scorekeeping, and a cycle that made genuine desire even harder.

In this episode, I explain why I stopped asking, what I misunderstood about responsive desire, and how shifting from initiating s*x to initiating connection transformed our intimate relationship.

We’ll talk about desire discrepancies, obligation s*x, s*xual entitlement, emotional connection, and how to express what you want without treating your spouse’s body—or desire—as something you’re owed.

https://getyourmarriageon.com/318-i-no-longer-ask-my-wife-to-initiate-s*x-heres-why/

Have you experienced something similar? Did you find the episode useful? I'd like to hear your takeaways.

318: I No Longer Ask My Wife to Initiate S*x (Here's Why) - Get Your Marriage On! For years, I asked my wife to initiate s*x more often because I wanted to feel chosen and desired. Instead, […]

"We're fine. We're just kind of like roommates."
I hear this constantly. Almost word for word, every time.
And then the same details follow. The logistics work. Kids are getting raised, bills are paid, you're a good team. Nobody's fighting. Nobody's leaving.

It's just flat.

Here's where almost everybody goes next: we've grown apart. So the fix seems obvious — more date nights, more time in the same room, more weekends away.

I want to gently suggest that's backwards. And that it's exactly why date night didn't fix it.

Roommate mode usually isn't a distance problem. It's a too close problem.

Let me explain what I mean.

Somewhere along the way, the two of you emotionally fused. Your mood became my mood. Your discomfort with a topic became a topic we don't bring up.

That looks like sensitivity. It feels like being a good spouse. What it actually does, slowly, is teach you both that differences are dangerous.

So you start collapsing them:

She says something, you feel the tension, you go along.

You say something, she feels it, she softens.

"You're probably right" — when you don't actually think that.

Peace kept. Difference gone.

And every time it happens, the list of things you don't really talk about gets one item longer.

Most couples don't know they have that list. It just accumulates. S*x goes on it. Money maybe. That resentment from four years ago. What you actually want. What you're actually afraid of.

Once enough things are on it, all you've got left is logistics. Who's getting the kids. What's for dinner. Did you pay the thing.

That's roommate mode. It isn't the absence of connection — it's a strategy.

A way to handle differences you don't yet have the capacity to tolerate. You created emotional distance so you'd stop bumping into each other's edges.

Which is why more togetherness won't touch it. You can go to Cabo and come back roommates. You'll just be roommates in a nicer room.

What actually changes it is honest difference. Bringing something real back to the table — a real opinion, a real want, a real disappointment. Not as an attack. Just as a true thing about who you are.

Think about two people dancing. If one just mirrors whatever the other does, that's not dancing. That's following.

Roommate mode is what happens when you both stopped dancing and started following.

The way back isn't standing closer together. It's finding your own footing again, and inviting your spouse to find theirs.

I'll be writing about the actual steps in my newsletter coming out next wee — the ones I'd walk you through myself.

Check out the link in the comments to get on the newsletter list to get those steps right to your inbox.

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