Adulting Consulting of St. Cloud, Minnesota

I often say that my clients inspire me. They're the ones who are currently doing this incredibly hard work of healing themselves and generations to come, as well as generations passed.

The boldness and the bravery it takes to examine "just how things are done" that has gone back generations. The compassion and kindness with which they learn to examine themselves. The resolve and the gifts to the future that they are creating as new ways of doing things come to the fore.

My clients absolutely inspire me. Healing from trauma is terrifying, necessary, and one of the most powerful things a human can do.

But I'm going to add another group to this post: The q***r kids who continue to live their lives, out and proud, or not, while laws are being passed full of hatred in states all around us. These kids are brave; these kids are putting a greater premium on their authentic self than on their safety.

In terms of trauma, there is a growing awareness of the needs and the abilities and the modalities to heal. In terms of q***r folks, there is a growing hatred being codified into law. Both of these groups, those healing trauma and q***r kids, are living their lives regardless of "how things are done."

They are my heroes.

What if you were able to let go of the idea that you don't deserve happiness?

What if you were able to see that as the result of trauma and thus not accurate?

What if you were able to believe that you do deserve happiness?

What would change if you believed you deserve happiness? How would you change? What would you do? What would you stop doing?

What if you made those changes regardless?

What's a dream you can dare to dream? What pulls at you even though you try to tell yourself it's impossible?

Have a chat with your dreams! It's not too late!!

Healing is a journey. Definitely not a race. It's not linear. It doesn't have a specific timeline. It doesn't have a specific timeframe. It is a process.

And sometimes we need to pause and look back at how far we've come.

What's different? When did you not react when you expected to? When did a trigger not trigger? Does life feel a little easier? Relationships better? No more bad dreams?

What changes have you noticed in yourself when you pause and consider your journey?

Have you ever noticed that bullying yourself is not an effective motivator? Most of us with trauma are socialized and trained to be caretakers. We take care of things for other people far before we take care of things for ourselves. We all have a to-do list that is a mile long, and executive dysfunction can be challenging.

With all of this, you can choose not to continue your own abuse. I know the voices in your head are the same mean voices from your childhood, but it's not effective. I mean, it effectively gave you PTSD, but it's not effective at getting you to do things.

Figure out how you work. Do you work in short bursts? Do you need to focus completely? Do you need to put on music and make it fun? How do you get things done? And you and only you. No matter how someone else gets something done, you get to figure out what works for you.

So like I said, being kind to yourself, and figuring out how you work, is a much more effective way of getting many things done then just hating on yourself.

I'm not talking about hallucinations. I am talking about the voices from your past who live rent-free in your head. I'm talking about your mom, your dad, your childhood bullies, that teacher. I'm talking about the voices that creep up when you're feeling mean to yourself. I'm talking about the voices that reinforce that you're no good and you're worthless .

They're all lies. These voices are a concept called an interject. Basically what happens is, your brain gets so much abuse from external sources, like your mom, that it internalizes it, and continues the abuse internally.

Why does it do this? Because if you're getting abused internally, brain can "control" it and prevent external abuse. For example, if I'm mean enough to myself, mom won't have any reason to be mean to me.

Now let's be clear, you never deserved any of the abuse. The harsh critical statements never needed to be said. Like I've said in other posts, criticism is not an effective motivator.

Children always internalize that bad things that happen to them are their fault. Every child does. So as we are growing and learning, we are continually taking in data that says "the bad things are my fault."

And again let's be clear, the bad things were never your fault. Even if you were a naughty child, you were still a child. There should have been adults around protecting you, guiding you, and teaching you to behave in a respectful manner.

So as you make a minor mistake now, and those voices rear up in your head, and say things like "you're a failure and you always will be." Remember, these are just ghosts from the past, and they weren't right then and they're not right now.

I've talked a lot about the emotional consequences of trauma, so let's talk a minute about the physical consequences and symptoms of PTSD.

PTSD's physical symptoms are just a manifestation of what is happening in the body.

When we have an overwhelming experience, and experience that is too big to process properly, it is stored in the brain and in the nervous system as active as the moment was made. To compare the human brain to a computer is a really good analogy because we have an absolutely enormous hard drive but a really small processor. When we've had lots of overwhelming experiences, our processor is full.

Our brain keeps trying to empty out our processor by re-experiencing the trauma. Nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts are all methods that the brain is using to try to process the trauma. Because our daily lives are processed in our dreams each night, our brain continues to use that same process to try to process the trauma.

As our brain tries to reprocess to the trauma, our bodies are continually reacting to the trauma like it's happening again, because it's still active in our nervous system.

All of the physical symptoms of PTSD--the jumpiness, the can't sleep, the exaggerated startle, can't concentrate. All of these physical symptoms are simply our body reacting to something that happened years ago, right now.

When we understand where symptoms are coming from, it makes them much easier to cope with because they're not mysterious anymore. The symptoms make sense, even if they are unpleasant.

So as you can see, the processes that happen with PTSD are simple biological processes. There is nothing truly wrong with you, it's just your body reacting to trauma.

Re: Dreams

Everyone has dreams and aspirations. Having them, is as far as I can tell, part of being human...

That being said, one of the more insidious aspects of trauma is that it can get in the way of a person's dreams and make a person feel like their here-and-now are all they can ever hope for, make a person believe they don't deserve to have dreams, or most tragically, believe they deserve their trauma for ever aspirations for more.

If I ever do anything worthwhile for a client coming out of the darkness of trauma, it will be reminding they had dreams, declaring them worthy of those dreams, and letting them know what they deserve is nothing less than to pursue their wildest dreams...

When am I available for consultation?

Well, my regular office hours are 10 AM to 7 PM, Monday through Friday. That being said, though if those hours are impractical for you for whatever reason, contact me and we will work something out.

Can you afford a life coach?

Yes. Yes you can. I offer a sliding scale starting at $20 per session to $120 per session. Pay what you can afford session to session.

If money is truly an issue, reach out to me anyway. We will figure something out.