08/20/2023
The Juxtaposition
This has been a summer filled with conflicting emotions . Early June , I started feeling bad which quickly escalated into a physical disease that I will now have to deal with for the rest of my life. I was taken down pretty quickly and losing control was terrifying. Summer is my favorite season and to be sick was going to be a nightmare.
But was it ? Was I really out of control ? Was this a nightmare or were these the stories I was telling myself?
Thankfully, I have a lot of recovery under my belt ,a full toolkit of coping and a village of friends and family that care .
Having prided myself on being strong and resilient, it was humbling to reach out and ask for help . This has been a lesson in practicing what I preach ; and although I had to dig deep to ask , I am so grateful that I have. My tribe is everything to me and the love and support that I have been given this summer fills my soul.
I have learned to slow down. A forced slow down was exactly what I needed, as there is no way I would have chosen this with free will. Slowing down my body has allowed me the opportunity to reflect, reframe and read more than ever. Reconnecting with friends has filled my social heart and strengthened my ties. Time has been abundant, time has been appreciated and the giving and receiving has been immense. Going into a summer season out of work and sick as hell, is never something I would have felt I could have had gratitude for . Having this has allowed me to see into the future with a lot less anxiety and deep hope for what retirement may bring . Although, having no intention of retiring soon, I found my future niche and it is good. I have been given the opportunity of time travel , and the last few weeks have been insightful. Once cleared to go back to work, I was kept on restriction of part time . This was new for me, never having been part time in my 35 plus year career.
How would I manage ? Could I still feel whole and not detached ? Would I still hold a part ? What would this look like?
What this has done is allow me to discover and try out my retirement goals. I can have the best of both worlds; continuing to serve my beloved population of folks suffering from mental illness and substance abuse,as well as enjoy ample time off. It has been amazing; my body is healing , my mind is clear, my patients are taken care of and my family and friends can be a much more visible presence in my life. I have much hope for a future that includes everything I love.
The juxtaposition of a diagnosis and chronic disease sits right next to the blessings of a summer of learning and time that have allowed me a glimpse into my future .
I sit with all the children heading back to school tomorrow; in excitement, anticipation, anxiety and most of all hope.
God Bless