04/08/2024
I’m not sure why I feel compelled today to share this story but I’m going to trust there is a reason. Maybe someone else needs to hear it.
When I was about 21, I was dating a guy who was extremely unhappy all of the time. It wasn’t a super long relationship, maybe a year and a half. He was miserable and made everyone around him feel that way too.
One day after we had been *together*, I walked to the bathroom without putting clothes on. I remember feeling so confident. I was amazed by how good I felt about myself, like, for a moment, I believed I looked as great as I did.
While I was in the bathroom, he said to me from the other room, “You know, if you lost like, 20 pounds, you’d be so hot.” 😭
I felt myself react like I’d been punched in the gut. I was sick. I started silently crying because I felt so humiliated, and stupid for feeling so sure of myself. I don’t have a ton of vivid memories of my 20s, a lot of it was a blur of partying, but I remember that moment so well that it makes me shake to think about it.
My sister and I were looking over our old friend photos after hearing that a friend of ours, actually a different ex boyfriend of mine had passed away this week. It was terrible news. We were looking for photos of that guy in case we could share them to the page remembering him, and we saw all of the photos of us from 20-25 years ago.
Can I tell you something? We were stunning. Young, beautiful, sparkly, and there was nothing wrong with our weight.
Guess what? No matter how much weight I’ve gained or lost, I’ve been just as beautiful. I’m not trying to sound vain, I’m just trying to say that no number on the scale gets to dictate how beautiful we are, or how “hot” we are. And it certainly does not ensure us any level of happiness.
Back in January I started working out again and eating well, because I want to feel stronger, run faster, and stop using food as an emotional crutch. I want to be a strong example for my kids. I’ve been getting lots of help from my friends, my kids, and on meetings with other friends who are seeking that freedom that comes from not using outside substances to find happiness. And it’s been magnificent. I’m 18 pounds lighter than I was in January, and maybe that number being so close to that 20 pounds I was supposed to lose when I was 21 brought that memory back up to the surface.
If you’ve ever had someone tell you that if you lost “x” amount of pounds that you’d be more attractive than you were then, or now, I’d like to tell you that they are wrong. You were beautiful then, and you’re beautiful now.
That beauty, and your happiness are an inside job. Don’t let any jerk tell you otherwise.
Photo: Me circa 2000 at the Red Hot Chili Peppers in the Gorge. That guy, my sister, and our friend Matt were at that show. It remains one of my all time favorite concerts, despite him being there 🤘💋