09/10/2023
Letty Rising on negative behavior:
Let me share a framework that I came up with as a result of observing the social and emotional environment of classrooms for many years. I noticed that when speaking to children, we do so in one of 5 ways: we are making positive statements (I love the color blue you chose for your painting), negative statements (Your painting is bland...I guess you're not meant to be an artist), neutral or "noticing" statements (I notice that you painted a sun and a tree and a house), commands (put your painting away, it's time to come to a lesson), or questions (What do you love about your painting?).
We all know that negative statements should be eliminated, so there's no need to elaborate on that. However, what about commands? In classrooms where the word "no" is frequently used—by either children or adults—I've noticed that adults tend to issue more commands or directives. While commands are not inherently negative or bad, an overreliance on them can lead to resistance from children. If all a child hears throughout the day are commands like "Put your lunch away," "Roll up your rug," "Push in your chair," "Use walking feet," and "Be gentle," without balancing them with positive, noticing statements or questions, the child may become resistant. Commands do not foster strong relationships, but positive statements, noticing statements, and questions do.
My favorite is to pair a noticing statement with a question. "I noticed that you spent all morning with your friend making numbers with the golden beads. What was the biggest number you made, do you remember?" Or even something as simple as "I noticed that you seemed to really enjoy those berries your mom packed for you for lunch today. Are you going to let her know how much you loved them so she knows to send them for lunch again?"
Noticing children and asking them questions lets them know that you care not only about them but also about their interests. This is fundamentally different from simply wanting to fill their minds with information or to develop them into young scholars. While education is an important aspect of our work, children will resist engagement if they feel they are more of a project than a person. If they sense that you aim to mold them into an idealized version without showing curiosity about who they already are, they will resist your efforts. Children need you to step into their world before they are willing to step into yours.
So, my suggestion is to consciously increase your use of positive statements, noticing statements, and questions, while minimizing your commands and eliminating negative statements. You can even rephrase commands as questions, which is beneficial for cognitive engagement because it requires the child to stop, think about what you've said, and formulate a response. For example, instead of saying "Wash your hands before lunch," you could ask, "Do you remember what we do before we have lunch?" While the difference is subtle, the latter is less likely to be ignored or resisted. Another crucial point is to ask questions in a tone of genuine curiosity rather than interrogation. The way you ask questions matters.
Most of the advice above doesn't directly address negative behavior as it occurs; rather, it's about creating an emotional environment that discourages such behavior. In Montessori settings, particularly at the Children's House level, teachers are instructed not to intervene unless a child is being distracting, disruptive, or destructive. However, this approach has a gap: if you only engage with children during negative behaviors, you're likely to foster an environment with attention-seeking issues. Therefore, when children are not deeply focused and seem open to interaction, that's the ideal moment for positive engagement. Starting the day with some form of connection is also crucial for setting a positive tone. Being available for spontaneous moments of warmth and connection is key to preventing negative behaviors.
