06/26/2026
It's Okay to Need
https://heatherkuiken.com/f/its-okay-to-need
In toxic, controlling, or otherwise abusive relationships, one person may dictate what the needs are for both the relationship and all the individuals in it. In other words, one or more people in the relationship may not be allowed to have unique personal needs but become a servant to the other's needs. Cases like this might feel something like this story below:
I felt like something was missing. I talked about it in our relationship multiple times, but it got dismissed. So I stumbled into my familiar self-doubt, self-blame spin: Maybe I'm being too needy, or maybe this feeling is sourced out of some unresolved trauma that I need to heal, or maybe I'm being down-right selfish for having this feeling. Maybe you have experienced these kinds of thoughts and feelings too. Then you try to press on - stuffing it, ignoring it, even criticizing it. But to no avail. You find you can't ignore it because your whole body's system won't let it go and is consistently unsettled when it's missing. Your whole body can't seem to rest without it. The harder you try to suppress it, the more intense the feeling gets. So you have to work even harder to suppress it. You're exhausted...
But what if that feeling that something is missing is as simple as a normal human need. Maybe its increased intensity is because it's a need that has been unmet and unattended for years, or maybe even your whole life up until this point. Just like hunger and thirst are real needs so is our need for safety, healthy connection, and love.
We are often told to put other's needs above our own, and to not do so is selfish. But in some situations, doing this can backfire on you to your own detriment. Controlling or abusive personalities especially like to make your needs invisible and elevate their own. However, showing yourself compassion and grace, acknowledging and providing for your needs, and making choices that are healing for you actually puts you in a better place to authentically serve others. Genuinely loving ourselves helps us love others better. Even the Bible tells us to love others AS yourself, not INSTEAD of yourself. Adjusting some relationships so that you can surround yourself with others who value you may be part of that process.
So I regularly remind myself: Having needs that are unmet, disrespected or misunderstood by others doesn't mean something is wrong with you. So you having a need isn't the problem. If your need doesn't matter to someone it might be a sign of misaligned values, incompatibility, lack of care, misassigned responsibility, or even that you yourself have disregarded your needs. Don't beat yourself up for having real needs especially when having those needs met is truly life-giving to you. Take caution with people who guilt you for having needs or chronically insert their needs above your own. You and your needs will matter to the people who truly love you. In healthy relationships, needs are mutually honored.
Denying your needs to fit what others want from you gives others power to shape you and your life. Honoring your needs empowers you to fully embrace who you are and the life you want for yourself and those you love.
