The Peaceful Parenting Whisperer

11/16/2025

If respect and safety are a child's first language, you can bet that they'll think in that language for the rest of their lives. Kids learn to speak the language they hear growing up. If parents speak the language of respect and safety, that will create a safer, more respectful world.

02/06/2025

I know it's been a minute since I've written anything, but turns out I was inspired to say something! That happens from time to time! I'd love to hear your thoughts and/or questions! ♥

~ Marji

I love the comic strip “Calvin and Hobbs”! It was one of my favorite strips to read and we even bought the books when they came out! I saw this strip today on Facebook, and the resulting comment thread moved me to write this post. Here’s the strip:

04/10/2023

Outcome update: How a person who was raised gently without ever having been ordered around as a kid, yelled at, punished, shamed, lectured, blamed, or coerced in any way has turned out (so far). Does this kid “adult” well?

Yes. Yes, he does. He adults effectively and uncomplainingly.

Now, before I go on, let me acknowledge that he is but one person; we’re not talking about a controlled double-blind study. We’re talking about a single individual child who grew up without any of the coercions that kids in our society typically grow up with. I acknowledge that I cannot account for nature versus nurture!

This child grew up with:
• No being yelled at
• Never being hit or being threatened with hitting
• No threats
• No bedtime
• No alarm clocks in the morning
• No “do this or else”
• No “my way or the highway”
• No dinnertime
• No “stop what you’re doing and do what I’m telling you to do”
• No “stop that crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”
• No reasons to lie
• No "What's the magic word???"
• No screentime limitations!
• No food restrictions
• No praise
• No rewards
• No timeouts
• No coercion of any kind
• Etc.

Many onlookers told me that my kid would grow up to be an entitled, insufferable adult who would think the world revolved around him and wouldn’t be able to support himself or put food on the table. He wouldn’t be considerate or think of other people. He wouldn’t be capable of handling life or solving problems. He would have no reason to ever strike out on his own. He wouldn’t be able to show up for work on time (or at all if he just didn’t feel like it). He’d never learn to read or write or do math or even think (he was home-educated using an “unschooling” approach). He’d never, ever read a book.

About all those dire predictions? To the last person, every one of them was wrong.

• He moved out when he was 19 years old and has been supporting himself ever since (he’s now 28 and getting ready to start a family of his own).

• He learned to read when he was 11 years old and has been a voracious reader ever since.

• He pays his bills and his taxes, balances a checkbook, pays a car loan, leaves tips in restaurants.

• He has become a beloved and most valuable worker wherever he has worked. One employer, who hired him with no experience, considered him to be the best worker he had ever had with the strongest work ethic of any employee he had ever employed. This employer decided to give him the training he’d need to succeed there because he was so impressed with his work ethic and reliability.

• He is now putting himself through college and loves the process. He loves to learn and retains knowledge well. He knows HOW to learn. In fact, one of the first questions he asked his mentor at college (and most everyone he knows) was to suggest tips for studying and effective note-taking. He’s soaring through college and is expected to complete his bachelor’s degree early!

• He has a wonderful sense of humor, a brilliant take on things, he’s interested and interesting, and he is reliable, honest, forthright, kind. He’s just the best person I know.

Now, I realize that I am his mom and that reduces my objectivity. However, a wonderful friend said to me today, “Just because you’re subjective doesn’t mean you’re wrong.”

Fortunately, there are other people who are not his mom who see the same wonderful human as I do.

So, if you’re concerned that gentle, respectful, connected parenting will result in a sociopathic adult, I’m here to tell you to ignore the naysayers (and the fearful voice inside you) and follow your heart to parent your child gently and with respect and compassion. Be the adult you’d like your kids to become.

04/05/2023

Hi folks! Folks, I want to share with you a conversation I had with a parent in a support group I co-admin called Gentle Parents Unite. Someone asked the wonderful question, and it seemed like it might be a universally needed answer to a universally perplexing question, so I am posting it here other folks could see it.

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QUESTION: My daughter usually only [gets really upset] when I have to set a boundary. Like, “I know you really want to go to the park but right now it’s too late in the day and it will be dark; let’s go tomorrow after school, I love going to the park with you.” And she will follow up with begging, and I will calmly explain it’s too late and will be dark and we need to dinner/bedtime. Then, the “you’re the worst mama ever” comes out. Every time I ask what I can do to help, she says, “The only thing that will make me happy or feel better is going to the park.” So, I feel like I need something else to say because that never works for us. I can validate her frustration. Plan fun for tomorrow at the park. Empathize with her disappointment. But I can’t fix it because we can’t do the thing she wants. Is there any way to say something different?

MARJI’S ANSWER: Here’s the thing. When you say a validating statement like, “I know you really want to go to the park right now but...” the “but” in your statement is doing the work of invalidating your validation. It’s kind of like you’re saying the nice part first just so you can tack on the not-so-nice part.

She heard your reason why the first time, so she doesn’t need to hear the reasons repeatedly about why this thing cannot happen. In fact, the explanation itself is invalidation. You’re essentially saying, “I know you feel this way...” (which is validation) “...but you shouldn't feel this way because of this explanation” (which is invalidation). You can imagine why a kid would get so frustrated that all they can do is say things like, “You’re the worst parent EVER!” (And, for the record, you are NOT—by far—the worst parent ever! I hope you know that!)

Sometimes when we give an explanation about why a person shouldn’t feel the way they feel that person will likely get even more frustrated and feel even more powerless. So, what to do instead?

Well, one thing you could do is ask your child what they think about the dilemma. You could say things like, “Oh boy! Going to the park sounds like so much fun! It’s really dark right now. Do you think that’s going to be okay? Do you think we’ll be able to see out there? What do you think would happen if...?”

Having this kind of visioning conversation allows your child to come to the conclusion on their own instead of resisting your very reasonable explanations.

And here’s another amazing thing! Your kid might come up with an idea you hadn’t even thought of that could work. It’s very powerful for a kid to hear their parent say, “Wow! I hadn’t thought of it like that! That just might work! I so admire your creativity!!!” (Imagine the self-talk of a kid who hears that message from their parent!!! That’s a life-long gift!!!)

Of course, it would require your willingness to compromise. But that kind of negotiating is a super powerful skill for a kid to be able to get while they’re still a kid: the ability to let go of rigidity and brainstorm workable solutions that take into account others' needs and positions. You would be surprised at how nimble children are at doing that when they are given the latitude to do it and when they have had that skill modeled for them.

If your child comes up with an idea that wouldn’t work, then you can say something like, “Hmmmmm....that sounds like a creative and interesting approach. The only thing is, how would XYZ work?” Give your child the chance to envision all the possibilities and problem-solve those.

Ultimately, if you and your child go through this process and it turns out that you couldn’t find the right solution and your child is very disappointed, you could validate that. You could acknowledge how hard your child worked to make it happen and relate to it. You could say, “I feel pretty disappointed, too! I was thinking it would be a lot of fun!” And you can say, “I know you really had your heart set on it! This is very disappointing.” There will be no need to add any explanations about why it couldn’t work because your kid will have already seen that the idea is not workable. Your child will see that because they worked hard at it and found no way to make it happen. Now, all that’s left is the sadness to process.

So just remember this. When you are validating someone else’s sadness or frustration or anger, whether it’s a child, your partner, a friend, or a loved one, try to resist the urge to tack a “but” onto the end of your validation statement. Just remember this: Don’t stick your “but” in an upset person’s face. (Thanks to Marshall Rosenberg for that wisdom!)
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There is one other thing that I want to add that is worth knowing about, which is this: Sometimes a child will ask for things that are completely unreasonable, like asking for the moon. You wonder, why on earth is this kid demanding something they know they can’t get it!?

Well, without going into a long explanation, sometimes a child will have stored pain in their “hurts cup.” That stored pain could be about anything. It could be about something that happened earlier that day (a paper cut or a taunting at school). Maybe had absolutely nothing to do with you. It could be about something sad, frustrating, or traumatic that happened last week. It could be about the loss of a pet or a beloved relative or some other major disappointment. All these hurts go into a little storage container inside us, for lack of a better image. Let’s call it a “hurts cup.” Once that hurts cup get stuff in it, it’s not the easiest thing to empty!

Crying releases stored hurts. Raging can release them. Other things that can release these stored hurts include sweating, yawning, laughing, large muscle movements like jumping jacks, etc.

BUT, we generally only release our stored hurts to someone we feel safe with! (That’s you!)

So, sometimes when a child has an over-filled hurts cup, that child will ask for something that will precipitate tears or behave in a very dysregulated way.

You can’t really know if the need to empty the hurts cup is the underlying reason for the demands or the behavior, though. So, the best thing to do is to trust that your child is doing the very best they can do, stay close, hold space, and validate, validate, validate. Again, no buts!

Just know that sometimes your child needs your help with an over-filled hurts cup (let’s think of that as “healing behavior”). Seeing a child’s behavior through that lens can allow us to shift our story about their behavior and remain calm and loving and focused!

Questions? ♥

(Attached is a picture of what an over-filled hurts cup can look like!)

04/02/2023

Folks, I want to share with you a conversation I had with a parent in a support group I co-admin called Gentle Parents Unite. I want to bring it out here because I think it's one of those things that may be very helpful to you and your co-parent and other folks who question this whole gentle parenting approach. I want to thank the parent who engaged with me and asked so many great and relatable questions!!!

# # #

PARENT'S QUESTION: “I’m struggling with what to say or how to act when she just talks ‘harshly’ to me like.. all day. She’s not feeling too well at the moment on top of everything or sleeping very well.

“She will say ‘no don't talk to me, no go away’ but very, very aggressively when I’m just speaking to her normally like we have always done. Or I’m helping her with something, and she will tell me to ‘leave me alone I HATE YOU’ out of nowhere. And I just am left hanging I don’t know what to say.

“A few times it’s slipped out and I’ve said, ‘That’s made mummy feel so sad,’ and it’s made her act worse, and I know she’s not supposed to feel responsible for my feelings. I just don’t know what to say. It does hurt, I feel abused almost all day by the tone and the aggression when I’m just being with her. If I give her space, she gets more upset. I’m just really lost…”

MARJI RESPONDED: Here's a way of responding that may be helpful:

CHILD (frustrated): “I HATE YOU!!!!! Go away!”

PARENT (breathing and intending to radiate calmness, reminding themselves that the child DOES NOT ‘hate’ the parent, only the situation or the frustrated feeling they’re having): I hear you! I’ll be here when you need me! That’s a very rough feeling to have! I’m glad you told me!

Essentially, you are ENCOURAGING the ‘bad’ feelings to come out, like the way you’d help take a splinter out or hold a friend’s hair who is sick to their stomach.

It’s not nice or pretty; it’s rather vulnerable, actually, but YOU are the child’s safe person who gets to create intentional safety. Sometimes, that means getting a little emotional ‘vomitus’ on your clothing.

Imagine that you need someone who has told you they’re really strong so that you can really lean on them. Like, imagine you’ve sprained your ankle and now you need this person to support your body weight so that you can get out of a situation in which you got hurt. This person assured you they were your strong person.

Only when you go to lean on them, they buckle under the pressure!

You can see that they really ARE strong enough but it seems that they told themselves a story that they were too weak or vulnerable or they made your pain their pain.

How might that feel to you as the dependent person?

That’s a very loose approximation of what your child MIGHT be experiencing.

And I say that because you said her words are STILL hurting you. What’s hurting you is not her words, but THE STORY YOU ARE TELLING YOURSELF about her words.

Know this: Her words have no power to affect your feelings. You are the only one with that power over your feelings. Your story is what makes you buckle under the weight of her pain. Change your story and speak with empathy and validation.

PARENT RESPONDS: My husband is very confused how we teach her that saying ‘I hate you’ isn’t ok. I think it’s really breaking his heart to hear her say it to me and he doesn’t know how to respond when he hears it and immediately tries to get her to say sorry which to my mind is making it worse!

MARJI'S RESPONSE: I see!!! I can understand why your husband is so confused!

We can’t “teach” someone that what they’re doing (especially if it’s something they’re doing out of a pain reaction) isn’t OK without paying the very steep price of their self-esteem as well as a break in the trust bond in the mutual relationship.

You can, however, model ways of relating for them that they will adopt because kids do what their parents do, not what their parents tell them to do.

I think it was Gandhi who said we must be what we want our children to become.

How did your child learn to speak? By listening to you and connecting the dots to speak the way you speak. English-speaking parents don’t have French-speaking children. 🙂 And, when we speak the language of respect and empathy, that’s the language kids learn to speak (but only when they’re ready, and not one second before).

Saying, “It’s not OK to speak that way” only reinforces wrongness. When kids say hurtful things, it’s not about “right” and “wrong.” It’s about needs. But making about right or wrong undermines the child's ability to communicate and reduces their ability to trust in your ability to help them. It also introduces shame into the feelings "stew."

If you said, “I hear you’re in pain, but it’s not OK to speak to me like that,” do you think that will help a kid do better or might that pour gasoline on the fire? What has your experience been?

Alternatively, you can say, “Oh honey, when I hear you speak to me like that, that tells me that something is REALLY hurting you because that’s the only time you’d say something so hurtful! I’m glad you told me, and I want to help if I can. What’s hurting you right now? What do you need?”

This powerful way of responding tells the child that they can REALLY trust their parent to be strong and capable and stick with them no matter what.

We all need people in our lives who will show up for us that way...who will hear beyond the words and will translate the angry words to what the person would say if they could.

That is how we show a child that we see the best in them.

Does that make sense?

PARENT RESPONDS: Yes, I think so. I think I’m still stuck on the fact that I’m supposed to be showing her that all emotions are ok and safe, but I have to hide my emotions to be calm and careful. That may be because it’s so hard for me, as mine were completely neglected as a child, but I just struggle to push down any emotions as I’ve worked really hard on allowing myself to feel and not mask? Gosh, it's complicated.

MARJI'S RESPONSE: I hear you!!!!! It sounds utterly backward...until you realize it’s NOT that you are hiding your emotions! It’s that you are QUESTIONING your story and allowing a more accurate story to inform your emotions.

Here’s what I mean. If you’re feeling hurt because you heard her say, “I hate you! Go away!” that hurt feeling has to do with the story you’ve told yourself about what it means when she says that! You could take that as a cue to question this bad-feeling story (which is inaccurate anyway) and find a NEW story that IS accurate which leads to a feeling that you can show in all its glory!!!

***You decide what story to tell about what your kid says, and that’s how you SHOW your honest feeling!***

If my story was that my kid saying, “I hate you, Mom!” actually means, “I TRUST you, Mom! I feel awful and frustrated right now, and I know that YOU will be strong enough for me to stay close and make a safe space for these awful feelings I have!!” then my FEELING would be GRATITUDE AND JOY because my kid trusts me enough to be so honest with me!!!! I would likely also feel concern for my kid and curiosity about what’s going on for my kid.

But sadness and hurt would not be the feelings I would feel because the story I’m telling is that MY KID FEELS SO SAFE WITH ME AND I WORKED HARD TO CREATE THAT SAFETY!!!! That feels GOOD! (Also, shifting my story from a painful story to one of gratitude frees me up to be curious about my kid’s experience!!!)

Does that make sense? It's an important step to being honest with your kid!!!

Again, there’s no HIDING your feelings here or suppressing your feelings in any way. That would be inauthentic, and your kid WILL feel that and will react to it!

There's just ONE other thing I must say, and I hope you'll share this with your husband, too.

This is just like learning a new language. I have been trying to learn Italian and French as a 60-plus-year-old adult, and it’s not the easiest thing in the world! I *think* in English. So, when I hear something in French or Italian, I find myself pausing so I can translate it and then think about my response and then translate that, and it’s clumsy and inelegant.

I don’t blame myself, though, because I’m not a native French- or Italian speaker!! How silly would that be? I give myself grace and love myself through the process.

Switching to a gentle-parenting mindset is JUST LIKE THAT.

So, please give yourselves the grace you absolutely deserve as you become more and more fluent in this beautiful new language!

Questions? ♥

12/07/2022

My friends Vivek & Sujai are still doing the podcast we started!!! Here's the latest one, a wonderful interview with the wonderful Sarah Moore! Give it a listen!!

Brain Science and Stories, with special Guest – Author Sarah Moore - S08E01 We kick off season 8 of the Gentle Parents Unite Podcast with a special guest, one of my favourite people in the conscious parenting world Sarah Moore of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting. Sarah is a wealth of knowledge, ...

07/08/2022

I forget that I have done a lot of writing! Here's something I wrote a few years ago that just might be helpful to someone...I dunno! :-)

https://www.peacefulparentwhisperer.com/blog/2016/9/22/whats-the-matter

Here's the lede:

"So, there I am at the supermarket. It's a BEAUTIFUL late summer/early autumn day. Warm, sunny, dry, fragrant air... I'm putting my groceries into the car and just enjoying everything, and I hear a shopping cart go by. I glance up, and it's one of those carts with a toy car in the front, and the little driver is taking his role very seriously. My heart goes pitter-patter as I enjoy his enjoyment."

"So, there I am at the supermarket.  It's a BEAUTIFUL late summer/early autumn day.  Warm, sunny, dry, fragrant air...  I'm putting my groceries into the car and just enjoying everything, and I hear a shopping cart go by.  I glance up, and it's one of those c

02/23/2022

Hi folks! I wrote this article, an answer to a question I was asked, seven years ago or so. It's evergreen, though, and probably will be evergreen as long as there are parents and kids and messy houses! :-) I hope it's helpful to you! Let me know what you think or if you have any questions!

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THE QUESTION: "Help!! I’m feeling pretty frustrated these days. I’m not getting any help from anyone. Everyone leaves their messes for me to clean up, and it seems like they think I’m their personal servant. When I ask for help, everyone disappears. Then, I wig out and scream like a crazy person. We’ve tried chore charts and rewards with not much help. My friend says I should revoke privileges, and come at it from that angle, but that doesn’t feel right to me, and neither did the chore chart, for that matter. I’m starting to feel very resentful and joyless most of the time. I really need more cooperation from my family, and the kids need a happier mom. My kids are two boys (ages 14 and 9), and one girl, age 7. What can I do to turn things around? Thank you!"

MY ANSWER: What you’re dealing with is a pretty universal issue for many families. And, it can be really frustrating and annoying to feel the things you are feeling. As with most things, what you choose to do about it can lead to either greater connection or further disconnection. I’m happy to report that there is a peaceful solution!

There’s a good reason that chore charts and rewards and revoking privileges are not sustainable solutions: they don’t address the underlying causes of poor cooperation. And, they are coercion, which breaks connection and just feels awful. The good news is that once you find the underlying cause and address that, you won’t have to resort to artificial means of coercion.

So, what could be an underlying cause of poor cooperation? Why don’t kids willingly jump to help whenever asked to? Children are very much in the moment. And, they are focused on the things that are important to them (all people are, in fact). Those things include play and learning and joy. When you ask them or demand that they help you, you are asking them to interrupt the thing that is important to them to do something that is important to you. Can you see how they might feel disrespected and like the things that are important to them don’t matter to you? That could be an underlying cause of why the things that are important to you aren’t so important to them. If you want to gain cooperation from your 14-year-old, you have more of a chance of winning cooperation if your 14-year-old feels that you appreciate that his values are different than yours and that you do not devalue what’s important to him just because it’s not so important to you.

If a parent has a joyless attitude toward cleaning up, kids are very perceptive and pick that up. In other words, kids take our cues about how to feel about something. If I demand in a cheerless and annoyed voice that my child stop whatever they're doing to clean up the den, what information does that communicate about the job of cleaning up? If I were a kid, I might surmise that cleaning up is a dreaded, lousy, cheerless job. How likely would a child be to abandon their fun for their parent's no-fun? Actually, the child’s response makes a lot of sense in that context.

When asking for help, consider how flexible you can be on the when and how. If you were asking, say, a neighbor for help, you’d respectfully ask when that neighbor could help you. Giving your kids similar consideration could go a long way toward gaining cooperation.

To sum up:

• Be mindful and appreciative that you are asking your kids to put aside things that are important to them to do something that is important to you.

• Be aware of your own attitudes around cleaning up. Can you find a way to inject joy and gratitude into the things you are asking them to do? The way you feel about the things you do is more influential than the things you say.

• Put yourself in their place before you ask, and be willing to be flexible about when and how.

• Remember that sometimes we are needlessly rigid about some things. For example, we may believe we have to go to the supermarket right now or get the dishes done immediately after dinner, but is that true? Would your family starve if you went to the market in two hours or tomorrow instead of right now? Would the dishes disintegrate or be irreparably damaged if they didn’t get washed immediately after dinner? Letting go of unnecessary have-to’s and going with the flow could be the first best step toward finding joy and maintaining and even deepening your connection with your children, leading to wonderful next steps.

The secret is that when you deepen your connection, you increase the level of cooperation you can expect. Understanding all this can help you turn things around and allow you to be the happier mom your kids have been waiting for!

Be well and be kind,

Marji

www.peacefulparentwhisperer.com

05/13/2021

Friends! This post, written by my friend and colleague Vivek Patel of Meaningful Ideas, is so foundational and important. I know it's a long read; please give yourself the gift of time to read it and re-read it and ask questions (whether of me, of Vivek, or just of yourself) about the parts that don't resonate with you.

It amazes me how consistently Vivek speaks my heart when he writes and when he speaks. (I think Vivek and I may have been separated at birth, though his mama probably would have said something! And, there is that who age difference thing, so maybe not!) ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Please do not hold the limit firm if your child is resisting, angry and crying.

The emotional-relational impact is more damaging

than the benefit of holding the limit in that moment.

It is always okay to soften and connect.

I know it's very challenging when I write about asking parents to not use limits and boundaries with their kids. It can activate quite a defensive response in many people. There is a deeply held belief about how important limits are, how they make children feel safe.

While I understand the philosophy, this is not the actual experience of the child. From the kids perspective receiving the consequence or having the limit enforced, it feels like an obstruction to their freedom and autonomy. It feels like an imposition by someone who thinks they know better and has more power.

When I say limits I am talking about coercive limits. Coercive means forced. This is a limit in which the kid has no choice. For example we set a limit on food and kids have no choice in the matter. We set a limit on bedtime and kids have no choice in the matter. Take away the screen, shut off the TV, the kids have no choice.

If the kids can simply say No and do what they want, I would consider that a suggestion and not a limit. This is honoring their autonomy.

What is commonly called a loving limit, or an empathetic limit is when we enforce a coercive limit and then empathize with the resulting distress. ie "I know it's frustrating that you can't have 4 cookies before dinner."

I am not suggesting that we should never help our kids set limits for themselves. When I'm working with kids I'm often engaging with limits because it's a natural part of being a guide. In fact it's a natural part of any relationship.

What I am suggesting is that we do not remove their freedom of choice in the process. I want them to feel they are part of the process rather than feel it as an imposition. They trust the limit, they feel in their nervous system that it's in their best interests.

There are ways of working with limits that preserve choice and don't require force or power. It's the difference between collaborative versus coercive limits. In a collaborative limit we are all working together as equals to figure out how to best work with a situation.

Children feel very included in the process. They have a lot of input into how it plays out. If the collaboratively agreed upon limit doesn't work for everyone we can sit down and adjust it. At no point is there power or force involved.

When going through these processes with kids, I focus on tending to our relationship and their emotional state more than the limit itself. This is what makes it feel deeply connecting rather than disconnecting. This connection and trust inspires a higher degree of willingness to cooperate.

Just yesterday I was talking to a parent who had been trying to set loving, empathetic limits with their kid around candy. They didn’t want them eating too much before dinner. At least not the whole bag! They were reasonably trying to keep their kids healthy. After setting the limit and empathizing with their upset, she later found them hiding in the bedroom eating a bag of sweets.

Trying to set a more firm limit or even giving them a consequence for doing so, the only lesson they’re going to learn is how not to get caught next time. This is what I'm trying to avoid. That feeling that we are an obstacle to navigate around.

I know parents are operating from a loving intent in setting limits. To try and keep kids safe from something that might be harming them. Perhaps we feel they are too young and cannot self regulate.

While the intent may be honorable, the way we go about it doesn't usually encourage our kids to join us in the process. All sorts of power struggles result, no one is learning, no one is happy about the situation. To them we are the obstacle.

This is where it's important for us to look beyond our intent and acknowledge the impact that we are actually having.

Moving in the direction of force is never going to work out well. It causes damage emotionally and relationally. It certainly doesn’t teach children to care for their bodies and minds. We mostly teach them to resist us.

If we want to create that lifelong guiding relationship we have to always be stretching ourselves towards Less Force and More Collaboration.

This is why I say “My Parenting Mantra Is Relationship First”. This priority is firmly set. It guides my decisions. There are times I will work with my kid on setting limits, but I always keep in mind that it's about her process and her learning. I focus on respecting her personhood, her choice, her consent, her self-knowledge.

I will not hold a limit firm if it comes to a point where the kid is resisting and crying about it. The emotional-relational impact is more damaging than the benefit of holding the limit in that moment.

It is always okay to soften and connect.

It's related to a concept I teach called NSP which stands for “Nervous System Programming”. NSP states that "In every interaction with our kids we are informing them about
Who we are,
Who they are,
Their place in the world and
How the world works.

This informing doesn't only happen intellectually, but also emotionally, relationally, physically, in the nervous system and the neural pathway patterns that get developed in the brain.

If you are reading this you are probably already committed to the idea of conscious, gentle parenting. In this mindset we know it's neither effective nor kind to control our kids using punishment and consequences. Things like taking away a 'privilege' or putting them in their room.

As we move towards a more non-coercive, collaborative approach we focus on treating them with respect as humans.

The emotional experience of being punished leaves a significant residue on our emotions and our bodies. It's something we carry with us all our lives.

Every time we use force with our kids there is an impact on their (and our) nervous systems. Another layer of memory is created. The cost is too high. It damages their relationship to themselves and their relationship to us.

They feel like an authority figure with power is stopping them from doing something that they enjoy. Forced against their will. Even when we empathize with them, they know we are empathizing for something that we ourselves did.

This is why it's important for us to parent with an understanding of the impact we're having on our children's system with our choices.

I recently spoke for an hour on NSP and published the video. Please watch it for an in depth exploration on how to use Nervous System Programming in parenting.

https://www.facebook.com/meaningfulideas/posts/2974858082794969

In my experience it's a much more effective strategy to collaborate on ideas to meet everyone's needs around limits. Create an environment where everyone’s voice is heard and taken into consideration. This helps kids feel deeply seen and valued in the process.

When we can inject a spirit of fun into the process it can make a big difference as well. So often we make looking at limits with kids such a heavy thing. We know we’re restricting them and they feel imposed upon. We can however approach things with a lighter heart. Try and hold a different perspective. Genuinely wanting to keep them safe, and deeply respecting them at the same time. Let’s play with this.

Here's a video where I tell a story of a time that I set a limit around a campfire with a whole group of kids in a way that inspired them to want to follow my guidance.

I give an example of how I used a very connecting and fun way of communicating to get them excited and engage in a collaborative limit setting experience with me.

The other adults were scrambling around trying to control the kids, chaos ensued! Then I jumped in Vivek style and within a couple of minutes had them all following me and doing things in a safe way that still felt so much fun.

Setting Limits With Joy (p.s. please follow my YouTube while you're there ❤️)

https://youtu.be/kjimEfk6oPo

It's an amazing thing to witness when kids become involved in, and even enthusiastic about setting their own limits because they start to learn how it is a benefit to them.

I call it "WIIFM - What's In It For Me". (Pronounced wi-fum) Helping young people understand in an experiential way, not just intellectual, the benefit to them. This makes the whole process of collaborating on a limit much easier.

It also forces us to think a bit deeper about why we are setting the limit and how to explain it to them. Can we actually show them how thinking about these things makes a difference to their lives? It's also important for us to recognize what needs of ours are being met or not met. How much of that are we projecting on our kids? There is a lot of introspection required to relate to our children with integrity, given the power we have over them.

You can check out my video on WIIFM-What's In It For Me

https://youtu.be/hofkTUvQhfE

It is a messier and more long-term process to work with our kids, to gain their trust and agreement. It also leads to the deepest relationships, both of guide and friend.

This is why I have put out so many hundreds of articles and videos talking about how to implement these ideas in a way that is workable for parents. Trying to nudge our mindset towards interacting with our kids in a non-coercive, collaborative fashion.

True collaboration requires that same integrity. Without integrity we have collaboration on the surface only and this has a limited shelf life. If the person on the bottom of the power structure knows that their input can be overridden at any moment by the person with more power, they cannot trust the process.

Kids learn early on that their autonomy is conditional. It lasts only as long as the adults deem it appropriate. This sense of self-determination is something very deep for young people and they will go through a lot to preserve it.

In the mainstream parenting paradigm it is not one of the main focuses. We rarely see articles about how to encourage a fierce self-determination with children. We usually see articles about how to get them to cooperate.

The fact is though that an increase in cooperation accompanies an increase in choice.

We miss out on a big opportunity to understand and connect with our kids depending on where we place our attention. Attending to this sense of self is so fundamental to safety in relationships that we lose our kids when we don't pay attention to it.

Our young people end up in a situation where they have to protect their autonomy. They do this in three primary ways that I call the responses to coercion - Resistance, Compliance and Distance.

The resistance is when kids become very defiant or when they start hiding the candy in the bedroom. The compliance is when they are following along, but they do it from a place of having given up on their own sense of self and autonomy. They are operating from fear or resignation, but not from caring or connection. Distance is something that accompanies both of the above. Kids put up that armor, the shield because they know they aren't free to be themselves.

When we resist holding firm limits with our kids they don't need to resist us. They don't need to put up that shield. Then they can relax into our guidance and trust our wisdom.

This is when we have the most stable, sustainable and resilient positive influence in our kids lives.

I encourage you to keep moving a little further along the non-coercive, collaborative path. It takes an effort to keep stretching ourselves in this direction. Consider taking another step. Wherever you are on your journey you can take one more step.

Peace,
Vivek
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Edit to add:
Yes I know there are exceptions. I know.

I also know it's really hard. Trust me I know. I have the scars to prove it.

Exceptions will always be there. Let the article inspire us to minimize the exceptions as much as possible. Don't think of it as judgment for the times that we have to set limits we'd rather not. Life is like that sometimes, I understand, we all really truly understand.

This article is intended to stretch us. Stretch a little bit every day. It's the stretching that really matters.

Edit to add 2:
Someone asked, if we're not going to set a limit how do we work with our kids around the candy? This of course is a very reasonable and important question.

Some people suggested making it fun, some people suggested exploring ideas around the body and nutrition. This is what I added to the conversation.

I agree with what others have shared here. For me I paid close attention to what my kid ate. I was a very involved guide in her learning about her body, food and it's effects.

This was not a case of leaving them alone hoping that they figure it out. It's a continuous exploration of looking at what the body is telling us. Of experimenting with different foods and understanding them. Exploring the joys of eating as well as some things to be cautious of.

The key to all of it is the relationship between parent and child. If it is stable and connected the child will be open to learning and exploring. If there is a break in that trust it would have to be rebuilt first to a reasonable degree before the child will be more open to that collaboration.

By this I mean if the kid feels the parent is going to control them, they aren't going to be interested.

I do think however humans are capable of guiding each other and working together in harmony, with great efficiency and powerful effectiveness, without using any kind of force. I believe that we can work together in such a way that everybody feels like their needs are being met and we all feel cared for.

I believe in this.

I believe that part of Gentle Parenting is putting in the work to discover this with our family systems. They are complex, with diverse people at diverse stages of development. As parents we are in many ways leaders of establishing the non-coercive, collaborative mindset in our homes. It's a great responsibility and a worthy one. It requires us to be thinking and learning and stretching ourselves all the time.

I might also buy less candy, but if I felt that my kid felt a sense of shame because I wasn't buying candy, I would go out of my way to make sure I brought home some extra candy. I want to be really clear that the shame is always my first priority. Our relationship is always my first priority.

This is precisely why kids are so open to my guidance. They feel my deep honoring of them. I know it can seem like we're going to lose all control over them, and for a time it can feel that way because control feels different when it turns into influence.

Influence is very different however. Influence is relational. Influence is flexible and connected to the growth mindset. When I set limits with a kid I want it to be from that perspective.

I have a very diverse experience working with young people. I have volunteered in school, all the way from kindergarten to grade 8. I have taught English math science and music.

In grade 8 there was no music teacher and so I volunteered to take on the music program. I taught the entire band program, two classes a week including testing and grading. We even put on a music night for the community!

I have also taught children's martial arts for many years. I have worked with at risk youth in a local youth organization. My experience with young people is quite extensive.

I have always used these principles in each of these different circumstances. Helping kids feel like we are on the same side has the most profound effect on our working relationship. This has been consistently true.

I hope that answers your questions. I think I'm going to have to add this to the article. 🤣