04/11/2018
I fielded a parent's loving question about her 6-year-old's mastery of lying and manipulation. She wondered how to respond...perhaps with a consequence of additional chores? Here is my answer:
I have some thoughts about the word "manipulative," which really is a loaded word.
In fact, all communication could be seen as manipulation...a way to communicate an unmet need and get it met. Kids are not up to meeting their needs on their own, so they need some way of getting that message to the all-important person in their life to get the help they need.
We adults opt for verbal communication, but kids (even very verbal children) are not so adept at communicating their emotional and other needs verbally, so they act it out using behavior, which is designed to irk us enough so that we'll act...kind of like the way a smoke alarm provokes us to take action by being irksome. 🙂
But, the word "manipulate" carries unfortunate baggage that may generate feelings in a parent who resents their child's attempts to manipulate them or is, as you say, a "master" of manipulation. When you think your child is manipulating you, you could try just changing the word to "communicating with," and you'll be closer to the truth and make yourself more available to solve whatever problems you child needs your expert help with.
It's good to understand WHY kids lie. Of course, they're not going to be able to tell you, but when you understand what may be behind the lying, it might alter your response to your child, and that can make all the difference in the world!
I know that this might sound nuts to some folks, but one reason that kids lie is... are you ready? They are often trying to balance a very tricky situation between honoring their desires and their quest for autonomy and their natural desire for unconditional acceptance from you....to keep connection with you...to keep you in your joy.
Children resist what they see as arbitrary boundaries and limitations. In fact, they believe in unfettered abundance (which is a beautiful way to see the world...and a belief we would do well to remember, because we all believed in that at one point, too!), and the limits we impose can be in direct opposition to their belief in abundance.
Of course, you want them to do what you want them to do, and they have a whole different set of inner desires. They want to do what they want to do.
To keep YOU happy and to honor their own desires (and doing that is in OUR NATURE TO DO...we all want to do what we want to do), they will tell you what they think you need to hear in order to strike that balance. Something's gotta give, and if it is a matter of telling the story the way they think you want to hear it, how perfect!
It's actually a very kind approach to a rather thorny problem they have, when you think about it.
Even though we parents perceive that as lying (with all the negative connotations the word carries), they're really trying to maintain CONNECTION WITH YOU and keep the world the beautiful place it is for them.
Unfortunately, when their clumsy attempt is revealed, it doesn't work out so well. Kids may get pegged as "liars," when they are really just trying to balance two disparate needs (connection and autonomy, often).
So, when your child lies to you, see if you can take it as a sign that they need more unconditional acceptance from you...that their love tank may be getting a bit low.
You can ask yourself, "Can I allow myself to accept this child unconditionally, even when their behavior is challenging? What would that look like?"
Another helpful question to ask one's self could be, "Why does my child not trust me right now with their truth? What can I do to make myself more trustworthy to my child?"
One possible way to open the lines of communication might be to say aloud, "Hmmmmm... I've been thinking about this situation, and it seems to me that maybe I haven't been so easy to tell the truth to [even if you don't think you've been hard to communicate with...trust that your child may be feeling differently]. I wonder what we need to do so that you feel more confident and safe to tell me anything you need to tell me."
P.S. I can tell you one thing for sure. If you go ahead with imposing some arbitrary consequence on your child (like heaping chores) for telling an untruth, you will only reinforce the child's belief that you are not safe to tell the truth to and that you're not necessarily going to be safe for them to come to when they really need your advice and counsel.
Punishing lying won’t make a child stop lying. It might encourage a child to get better at lying, though.
