08/18/2026
We can become attached not necessarily to the manipulation itself, but to what the relationship gives us—belonging, love, validation, security, familiarity, financial stability, hope, or simply the feeling that we are not alone. The nervous system can also become accustomed to a pattern, so something unhealthy can start to feel normal. And “normal” can easily be confused with “safe.”
There’s another difficult piece: seeing the manipulation creates responsibility. Once you recognize, “This person is controlling me,” or “I keep abandoning myself to maintain this relationship,” you have information you can’t easily unsee. Then choices become necessary. You may need boundaries, confrontation, therapy, separation, or a completely different way of relating. And change brings uncertainty.
So sometimes the unconscious mind essentially says:
“I know this hurts, but I know how to survive this. I don’t know what happens if I leave.”
That can make suffering strangely preferable to uncertainty.
I would slightly change one part of your idea, though. I don’t think we necessarily need to suffer enough before we can choose differently. Sometimes people stay until the pain becomes unbearable, but suffering isn’t always what creates change. Sometimes understanding, support, self-awareness, or experiencing a genuinely healthy relationship can show us that we don’t have to live the old way.
And there is an interesting paradox in what you said: “We need to suffer enough until suffering is not attractive to us.” I think often it’s not that suffering is attractive. Familiar suffering can feel safer than unfamiliar freedom.
The turning point may come when a person realizes:
“The thing I’m afraid of losing is costing me more than the thing I’m afraid to change.”
That’s often when the balance shifts.
