03/26/2022
January 1, 2018, changed my life forever. After watching my son struggle with substance use for years, he had been spiraling in the last few years. That day will never be forgotten because I lost my son to su***de. Life will never quite be the same for all who knew and loved him. Death/loss is traumatic; su***de is double trauma because in addition to the loss, friends may feel guilty for not knowing or knowing and not knowing how to deal with the handle the situation and what to do with the information. The trauma of losing a child is like no other.
Months down the road, I decided I needed to learn about how my son got to that point. That was when I decided to walk through the doors of SOS Recovery in Dover, NH. If it was that hard for me to do it, I cannot imagine how it is for someone needing the services. I went there regularly to learn as much as I could, attend meetings, talking to people, and researching subtance use disorder (addiction).
I learned of books that were important to read, and I read much.
I was stunned by what I was so clueless about! America was losing many to the drugs sweeping across our country. It was not on the news back then due to the stigma and shame of it. That all changed shortly after his death.
In all my years in education, I never heard of ACES, Adverse Childhood Experiences. My eyes were wide open as I read about ACES and the lifelong impact on a person, the increased depression and su***de rates, along with health issues, and early death. Ken was a classic case of a person with ACES. Early childhood family trauma, alcohol and drug abuse was in his biological family history, his adoptive father rejected him and resented him. Ken had been a victim of emotional abuse and phsychological abuse. There were also incidents of other forms of abuse in his early years. Smoking, alcohol, fights, and anger/rage, and drugs became his way of coping with his pain.
Ken had a huge heart, and he would help numerous strangers, loved children from a very early age, and would make an entire crowd of people laugh hard.
As Ken's life began to spiral out of control with car breakdowns, changes in his employment (bc the business closed), a change in where he lived, increased financial pressures, increased drug use and isolation and separation from friends and family, his depression increased. He was resistant to anti-depressants and continued to spiral.
Ken and I had an emotional two hour heart-to-heart visit a few months prior to January 1. I expressed my concerns, my love, and we had one of the best conversations about life and death. I felt it was my chance to make an impact and also to let him know how much I loved him. I openly expressed my fears of losing him.
Ken promised me he would never harm himself by su***de. He promoised others the same. He became harder to reach, seldom to respond, and more distant. Much changed. His employer of 6 years was closing the business, and his job security was crumbling. Although he had two other jobs, he loved his primary job.
Christmas came...little did I know it was the last hug and the last time I would see him alive. New Year's Eve came and went, and I sent a message to my adult children on New Year's morning. Ken was always the first to respond. When no response came, I sent a text, I made a call and repeated it all to no avail. I checked his FB messages and his page. "It's been real" with a peace sign was posted. My heart sunk and I feared the worst.
I called his housemate and asked that he check on Ken. He assured me his car was in the yard and reminded me that it was New Year's Day and Ken had been out the night before. After hanging up, I texted, "Please check on Ken. I hope he is not dead." Unfortunately, the return call confirmed my thoughts. Life as I knew it changed forever.
As I contacted my adult children and waited for the police to arrive (hours later), my heart was broken, it was a living nightmare, and my mind raced trying to think of the next steps. The officer came, I walked her to the door and went outside and stated, "I know this looks like a su***de to you, but this is a drug-related death." I knew my life was forever changed due to the loss of my son, but I knew then that I was going to become vocal about Ken's story. I had to get through the pain and shock of my son taking his life and deal with the business of his life and sort out things.
After much pain and soul searching and going through abusing myself with alcohol, I started going to SOS Recovery to get answers. It made me realize how hard it was to walk through those doors! I met people in recovery, people who wanted to stop using, homeless people, and people committed to making a change in SUD (Substance Use Disorder). These people impacted my life and helped me get a better understanding of how hard it was to change and not relapse. They suggested books, invited me to other events, and they changed my life forever.
I spoke to co-workers and friends and to organizations and events, where I heard others. Soon after 10,000 Candles, I reached out to speakers I thought had powerful messages. We formed a team to speak in high schools and share hope and the realities of using. We had many high schools lined up when Covid hit and life as we knew it halted. The messages will be shared again because they are important to save lives and help reduce the stigma and shame of SUD, su***de and mental health issues. Let's open the doors of acceptance and make connections with others to support them, not make them feel less than. Connections with others are key to living.
More to come... Much of what I wrote tonight was deleted....ugh
Committed to Recovery from Substance Use Disorder (SUD), we are two certified recovery coaches & an interventionist, plus a mom who lost her son to SUD and su***de. Reducing stigma, educating people, & saving lives through public speaking are our goals.
