10/06/2026
The parents didn’t get their son back by convincing him they were right.
They changed their part in the pattern.
During therapy, they learned how to view their daughter-in-law like a fragile, injured bird who was still carrying a lot of unresolved issues from her past.
By shifting the way they saw her, they opened themselves up to feeling compassion and warmth toward her.
As the months went by, no matter how hard she tried to get them to treat her poorly, they didn’t. And eventually, their daughter-in-law learned she didn’t have to push them all the way out to feel safe in her marriage.
This IS NOT the formula for every estrangement, but for this family, it was.
It’s such a gamble when our adult child marries. They marry not only the person, but also all the psychological baggage built up over time… their insecurities, unmet childhood needs, and unresolved issues.
If this is happening to you, the best place to start is with a licensed therapist and work through these steps:
1. Stop making your adult child feel like they have to defend their spouse or defend you.
2. Change the way you view your son- or daughter-in-law. Trust me, this lowers their defenses over time, and it makes us less reactive to their shenanigans.
3. Talk to the in-law. Try making plans through them so they don’t feel threatened.
4. When you do talk to your adult child, include their spouse when appropriate.
5. Ask your adult child about their spouse and show genuine interest.
6. If your in-law requires an apology, even if you don’t believe you did anything wrong, consider apologizing for the hurt or impact. Remember, you’re trying to break through the story they’ve been living in so they can remember the parents you actually are.
Of course, this approach only applies when continued contact is safe and healthy enough to work toward.
Psa - this was shared for educational and reflective purposes only. Not meant to replace advice or treatment by licensed professionals.
