10/07/2018
The way I feel about our country right now feels really familiar to me.
I’ve felt this anger, pain, and heartbreak before.
I’ve felt dismissed as a human because of my gender.
I’ve been pushed out of conversations, placed under limitations, and blatantly restricted from both rights and privileges because of my gender.
It wasn’t my country where I felt it then, though. It was the Church.
I know the pain of being mistrusted because I have a female body.
I know I know the agony of changing clothes 14 times before you go on stage, only to hear the devastating feedback that some man in the congregation found your pants “distracting.”
I know the stomach punch it is to be restricted from a monthly meeting with regional colleagues because it’s “guys only.”
I know how isolating it is to open the Scriptures and see over and over again the devaluation and objectification of women’s bodies. And I know how enraging it is to get into debates with *men* about these passages.
And you know how I handled it? I quit.
I walked away. I said, “this is not my church, and that is not my God.”
But here I am, two years later, crying tears of frustration and gratitude because I know who God is, and I know that my skeptical, angry, wounded heart has found Her more and more through practice of my Christian faith.
I came back with more questions than answers (which, for me, is me at my best) and an honest, quiet rage that needed to be expressed so that I could hear the hurt underneath. I hurt so that I could heal.
And now, healed-and-healing, I know that I am called to serve this very institution in whose hands I was betrayed and wounded. When I see that the Church will never, ever be what I think I need it to be, I am freed to serve, and not rage.
I am free to love the people who make up the institution.
So now what? When I feel this way about my country, what do I do? When I see once again, that in this place, there’s no way my body will ever be taken care of, or even taken seriously?
Honestly, I don’t have a clear answer, but I do know that the path to peace is not to seek out more power, bigger guns, meaner words.
I’m seeking what it means to Love, even if I never get what I need.