The Better Living Collaborative

10/02/2026

What makes a deck of affirmation cards trauma-informed? 🌟

This isn't just any average deck: it's 'Radically Well'! ☀️

A Radically Well affirmation includes all the empowerment, all of the reminders of ways to honor and look at our experiences, but minus the toxic positivity present in so many other decks. 🃏

In this deck of 54 affirmations, you'll get original artwork and be supported and reminded of your individual worth, the power of your perspective, and the ways in which you have been and can be empowered. 💪🏼🧠💚

Want to see for yourself? Visit me at an upcoming market locallly or order at the Thrivorship store on the MylestoGo.net website - a limited number are in stock now! Want to order in bulk for your team or community group? DM me for wholesale rates. 📬

10/01/2026

As a feminist psychology theorist (not the same as social feminism) challenging the codependence label matters.

While some people are, and can be, codependent - the reality for women and gender-diverse individuals in particular is that this mechanism is often more accurately described as conditioning towards safety. In a true codependent situation, both individuals are so deeply invested in each other that they struggle to function independently. To be clear, this is not a healthy relationship pattern and needs and deserves intervention and support. But too often I hear the term 'codependent' assigned to individuals who are simply unable to picture themselves as worthy to be in relationship with someone because their historic normal was that they were not considered worthy unless they were self-sacrificing on behalf of the other person.

The way you adapted to a situation in order to survive it - i.e. being useful, being the caregiver, doer, peacemaker, etc. isn't necessarily codependence at all. It's a survival mechanism. It was an adaptation - and a clever one at that. But, when we take it into our next relationships because it's all we know, it becomes conditioning. We stop being able to recognize where the conditioning ends and we begin. Then, it can be a real problem for us.

But importantly, the problem isn't something that is broken in you - it's something that is broken in our world where safety isn't an automatic given inside even our closest relationships. When we shift from believing we're codependent, or disordered, or dysfunctional, and start believing we adapted to a world that didn't care for us as we deserved, the way we heal - and stay healed - can shift.

09/30/2026

I brace myself when I overhear the question, 'Can I be brutally honest with you?'

This isn't really a question, of course. It's the speaker teeing up their own comment that will most likely be some variation of hurtful, offensive, tactless. ❤️‍🩹

This kind of comment - even if the speaker actually does have the intent to be helpful - will likely not be received by the listener. Why? 🤔

Because we're not calibrated to brutality.
We should NOT be calibrated to brutality.

Using the guise of 'honesty' to speak something in this fashion is actually a form of gaslighting. It's a way of convincing listeners that your harmful words are actually helpful.

If you've been doing this unintentionally - stop. 🛑
(If you've been doing it intentionally, you're not following me anyway!)

If you've been on the receiving end of these comments, even if the core feedback is truthful, it's ok to feel 'stung' by those words. They can hurt. 🐝

This kind of language causes our brains to go into a protective mode. We can't receive new information in this mode. We may even experience a trigger/trauma response to it. 🧠

So, how do we re-calibrate our language and feedback while communicating in a frank and honest style?

1) Ask open-ended questions you want a response to. (Open-ended questions require more than a yes or no answer from the receiver).
2) Be aware of limiting or diminishing language - especially requiring that someone 'get over it' or 'move on'.
3) Consider both your personal relationship and the surrounding environment/setting when speaking to someone.
4) Know there is never a good reason to use a slur or shame someone.

And if you were wondering - of course you can use humor! 🤣
Of course you can be loud (if that's how you naturally are) 📢
And of course, you can be truthful ☎️

Trauma-informed language doesn't have to be a lot of work. And it isn't about 'political correctness'. Trauma-informed language is about creating the most effective communication possible so that everyone grows and benefits when we speak.

So, be honest - drop the brutal.

09/29/2026

Boundaries are a big issue for many people. The guilt of saying 'no' to something 'just because it's not in your best interest' might feel really, really uncomfortable. Many of us were taught that thinking of our own needs was selfish and made us unlovable/unlikeable.

This cycle consistently draws the wrong people into your circle and heightens that guilt feeling until, very often, we cut everyone off and build walls.

That won't make things feel any better...

A healthy boundary isn't an affront to anyone who cares about you. So, remember...

It's okay to have boundaries.
It's okay to have boundaries others don't understand.
It's okay to have boundaries others don't like.

The right people will respect them.
The right people will look for the door.
They wouldn't think of having it any other way.

Those are your people.

Keep your boundaries. Find your people.

Need help with this work? Start with a free self-compassion download and check out my special micro-coaching package too!

09/27/2026

09/25/2026

You saw it all go down.
You kept telling yourself to DO something.
But you didn't.
Somehow, you couldn't.

And now, away from it, you're playing out the details over and over again in your head - thinking about all the things you wished you had said or done. This is often accompanied by guilt, shame, and low self-worth.

Welcome to the 'Freeze' trauma response.

You are not weak, not stupid, and not really 'frozen' at all.
You are taking it all in.
Your brain is quite clever; In fact, you're the trickster.
You can 'play possum' and study the incident - surviving AND learning at the same time, so that next time, you are ready.

People who don't understand this response will question whether you 'really' thought you were in danger and whether it was 'that bad.'
It was.
You're survival mechanism kicked in; because it was.

But, when we start healing we have to calm that response so we can let the emotions we literally put on ice thaw out and be processed. It takes time, a safe place, and patience - so be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

09/24/2026

As a doctoral student in Mental Health Counseling, I know the value of therapy.
As a DV survivor, I know the value of therapy.
As a parent, I know the value of therapy.
As a human in a world that often seems so harsh, I know the value of therapy.

I also know the stigma of the work I do - and the treatment I use. But it doesn't need to be that way. Let's normalize therapy - with a little levity 🥸

Therapy Nerd merchandise is my personal design - a playful way to start the conversation about why we can all use a little therapy from time to time. Tee's, hoodies, bags, pillowcases, and hats in a variety of fun colors and styles - with more to come. Shop the store and become an advocate today. You never know who you might empower!

betterlivingcollab.com/store

Because therapy isn’t weird—pretending you don’t need it is!

09/23/2026

We get caught up in the nuance of this a lot...

Trauma Survivors: Healing after trauma isn’t about blaming yourself for what you went through. Especially if you were young—it was NEVER your fault. Even if you felt powerless, your mind and body channeled their warrior spirit to help you survive. And you did. And you're here.

Now, YOU get to write your story. Being accountable in your now means you’re in charge of your healing, your growth, and how you react to triggers. Changing & healing doesn’t mean punishing yourself for the ways you survived—it means acknowledging your strength and refusing to let your past define you.

You can hold compassion for who you were, and still champion who you’re becoming. Both are true.

Ready to move forward? Let's do this.

09/22/2026

The number of times I hear 'Well, but - I'm not really sure...' after inquiring about a trauma or an abusive encounter is extraordinarily high.

Why? Because we still have this message that abusive behavior is only overt. That it is always loud, raging, physically aggressive behavior that leaves a mark. We believe s*xually abusive behavior is always a r*pe and always done brutally, usually by someone we don't know.

Those kinds of abuses certainly exist (sadly). And they are awful.

But so, too, does the kind of abuse that gaslights someone into submission and causes them to stop believing or trusting themselves. The kind that causes them to discount anything short of that overt abuse as 'okay.'

Physical, s*xual, and psychological abuses usually do not announce themselves as abuse - in fact, they are often followed up by a kindness of some sort: a text message, a small gift, a period of especially helpful or appreciative behavior... Or, they may be followed up by a justification - they were having such a bad day, or even more gaslighting - that you were just being so difficult, so unfair, or so resistant...

So the story becomes one of confusion, self-doubt, and self-blame. Then story becomes symptoms: insomnia, depression, hypervigilance, anxiety...

Let me assure that if it was really 'okay,' these would not be your responses. That's not what 'okay' feels like. So, if this is your experience, it's time to reach out for that support - you deserve to feel much better than 'okay' to begin with. And, you deserve a safe place to explore what's happened so that it doesn't continue to limit your experiences. We can't change what's happened but we can change how what's happened is affecting us.

Reach out. There's support available. And you are worth it!

09/20/2026

There has been so much heaviness, tragedy, and trauma lately. So many of us are grieving, or feeling fearful, or angry, or maybe even in shock. Maybe all of the above.

But, we don't always know what to do with these kinds of feelings in the midst of a trauma or in the midst of a chaotic world. So, very often, individuals - especially those with freeze and fawn trauma responses - will just keep going about their normal routines.

If this is you, please know it's absolutely normal to do this. If this is someone you know, please don't categorize this person as someone who 'doesn't care.' You see, routine is a regulator. Routine can be, in and of itself, a nervous system regulator that signals to our body things are okay (or going to be.) Why would we want this? Because in order to respond, to cope, to eventually process the weight of what is going on around us, we have to be able to function. If your nervous system has been hijacked by the traumatic experience, that can't happen. So, when you're cleaning out a closet, or planning for the work week, or going grocery shopping, you're giving your nervous system a chance to break away from the trauma response and giving your brain critical time to think clearly, organize thoughts, and make plans.

Mental wellness is about balance: especially when living through real life situations. We've seen horrifying things recently, we've experienced both real and vicarious trauma, and many of us have felt very threatened. But, we also have the pressure of living: paying bills, taking care of our families, going to school or keeping other commitments. Life won't necessarily stop and so we must permit ourselves to do both things - process and release our emotions, and find ways to cope. Routine is one way we can cope.