The Better Living Collaborative

My TEDx talk actually opens with the line, "I have always wanted to be liked."

That's been true for most of my life - I just wanted people to like me.

But I was a socially awkward, chubby, not-very-cute kid donned in glasses and clothes I 'would grow into' who was too smart not to be noticed - and thus bullied. As I grew, I failed to connect to one group (certain I couldn't trust them), instead, chasing every activity I could find. I became like water - able to fill the shape of whatever room I was in 💦.

Well into adulthood, that was my identity. Water 💧. I played the part of filling vessel after vessel - transparent and able to create buoyancy for whomever needed to float. 🛟 I could put out a fire. 🔥 I could create motion for almost anything or anyone. ⛵️ I could nourish and sustain life. 🍃In many ways, I was proud of it.

That is, until I realized I wasn't water 💦 at all. I had never been 💦 water. I was a tree 🌳 just waiting to be planted. I realized that filling vessel after vessel - flowing into the shape of whatever was there - and always running, flowing- had met I'd lost myself. It was my way of protecting myself, my way of trying to make people like me. And it came at an enormous price.

Being a tree 🏝️ is hard work. I have to been seen now - no flowing away or rushing to try and disappear. I have to embrace the leaves and branches that suit me. Even if those aren't the ones someone else likes. 🌟

But I also GET to do that now. And so can you.

It's hard to give up being water 💦 - but if you're a tree, I promise you that the joy you'll get from growing your new branches and being seen as you have always been is priceless.

If you're not sure how to get there, like and follow my page. Sign up for my email list. We'll talk about how to unlock our true selves with a coaching program, expressive arts experience, with self-care, with growth, with resilience: 🌳🌲🌴

Join me.

One of the reasons I developed Radical Wellness is because I've seen this exact approach all too often. We are waiting for the trauma (for the hard thing if the word 'trauma' makes you squeamish) before we learn to deal with it.

That's a bad plan for most things - but it's especially bad for learning to deal with trauma. Here's why:

When you encounter something that causes a trauma-response (or a trigger) in you, your brain does its job and alerts the 'first responder', your amygdala. Amygdala has one job and it does it very, very well - to keep you safe. That includes shutting down or overriding much of the rest of your brain - including your frontal lobe (where the pre-frontal and frontal cortex's dealing with problem-solving, language, decision-making, regulation, etc.) live.

If you don't know how to calm and regulate this response before it happens, you aren't going to be able to manage it during, or after, the event.

Radical Wellness acknowledges that hard things are going to happen to us in life and, instead of shying away from that fact, looks at all the ways we can understand ourselves and our needs so that we have skills at-the-ready to respond to that fire.

Whether you need to learn this skill for the first time - or relearn it - to manage what's in front of you, visit me at The Better Living Collaborative and I can help!

We have to talk about the power of weaponized words for a minute - even without recognizing it, we can fall into the trap of using/welding words to exert control or elicit feelings of worth, value, etc.

I've done it. I've even done with the word on my post - Victim.

I have hated that word for the duration of my time 'inside' the category. In fact, I think I wrote about how disempowering that word is for a trauma-informed post and have railed against its presence on things like the 'Victims of Crime' paperwork I was once forced to fill out.

Now, I'm not wrong about the word being disempowering - it is. BUT, it's disempowering because of the way it's been weaponized, not because the word itself is a problem. We use the word 'victim' as a tool for shame and for silence. We use the word TO disempower. And that's the actual weaponization of it.

Think about it - if you can convince someone (me, for example) that sharing abuse, or sharing an injustice, or calling out a systemic wrong, makes me someone who is weak, or manipulative, or failing to take responsibility, you'll likely shut me up. And even if you don't, if you can paint me in that light, I'm discredited. That means the status quo can continue, undisturbed by its 'victims.'

But 'don't be a victim' is hollow - if you've been abused, suffered injustice, been taken advantage of - you ARE a victim (sorry to say.)

You just don't have to be ONLY a victim - You can also be a survivor, warrior, victor, change-agent, or whatever else you want. And, you know things others don't if they weren't a victim - you've got wisdom.

Victim = has been victimized.
Victim ≠ can't be anything else.

You saw it all go down.
You kept telling yourself to DO something.
But you didn't.
Somehow, you couldn't.

And now, away from it, you're playing out the details over and over again in your head - thinking about all the things you wished you had said or done. This is often accompanied by guilt, shame, and low self-worth.

Welcome to the 'Freeze' trauma response.

You are not weak, not stupid, and not really 'frozen' at all.
You are taking it all in.
Your brain is quite clever; In fact, you're the trickster.
You can 'play possum' and study the incident - surviving AND learning at the same time, so that next time, you are ready.

People who don't understand this response will question whether you 'really' thought you were in danger and whether it was 'that bad.'
It was.
You're survival mechanism kicked in; because it was.

But, when we start healing we have to calm that response so we can let the emotions we literally put on ice thaw out and be processed. It takes time, a safe place, and patience - so be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

There are many who know that I make a lot of art and that I often use the hashtag . Recently, I had a client ask me if that was really true - was art really my therapy?

Short answer: Yes.

Long answer: Yes - AND...

One of the reasons I make art is to help me process the world as I experience it, or sometimes as I wish it was. I use art to communicate where I find hope, discover memories, and encounter my own desires. I also use the process of making art to help me process things unrelated to art - art is part of my grounding and mindfulness practice. These practices are fundamental to my ability to manage stressors, triggers, and traumas. It's part of my own 'Radical Wellness' formula. Art centers me so I can learn to be okay even when the world around me is not. Once I'm grounded, and centered I can take on the change - but not before.

AND
Art is not my only therapy. Over the years I've engaged a variety of coaches, therapists, attended group therapy and support groups. I also journal, use somatic practices (like hot vinyasa yoga and progressive muscle relaxation), and other arts approaches including drama and music. Because there's nothing wrong - and in fact, it's something to celebrate - when you desire to offer the world - and yourself - the best version of you.
So make art - or music - or break into a spontaneous dance. Seek out the coaches, the counselors, the mentors, and the peers who celebrate you.
Get creative - and set your mind free.

It's happening more and more: someone comes to me feeling helpless, or guilty, because they are so upset about the things going on in the world that it's hard to carry on.

My first question is - 𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦'𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘭 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯?

As a feeling, caring human, of course you are struggling. If you've been paying attention at all, of course you are upset. It's upsetting. It's all deeply upsetting.

But I don't want you to suffer. That won't help anyone. So, after we recognize that it's absolutely okay - and in fact completely normal - to be upset by what's going on, let's look at some strategies to create a little relief.

Treat yourself extra kindly right now. A little extra sleep, a creative distraction, a little bit of nature, can all go a long way towards grounding you and give your nervous system a much-needed break.

Keep a routine if you can. Something predictable can help move you through your day. Avoid constant social media scrolling - set aside a time to look, then move on. Your body is not calibrated to take on trauma 24/7.

Taking action can feel empowering - but take the action that suits you, not someone else. Say 'no' to the other things.

Even if you're an introvert, don't isolate. Find your safe space and spend a little time there regularly.

Get support. Counselors, therapists, coaches, peer groups, etc. are all here to navigate and process these tough times with you. It's what we're for.

Be Well, friends - Be Radically Well - you are not alone.

Healing isn’t simple—it’s messy, intense, and sometimes downright confusing. You’ll probably ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” more than once. So, here’s the real secret: it’s not just about feeling better (though that’s pretty amazing when it happens!), it’s about becoming a force for good. Your healing creates a ripple effect, inspiring others to repair and grow, too. 🌱

Healing serves the world— and you can be the change that stops the cycle of damage.

The number of times I hear 'Well, but - I'm not really sure...' after inquiring about a trauma or an abusive encounter is extraordinarily high.

Why? Because we still have this message that abusive behavior is only overt. That it is always loud, raging, physically aggressive behavior that leaves a mark. We believe s*xually abusive behavior is always a r*pe and always done brutally, usually by someone we don't know.

Those kinds of abuses certainly exist (sadly). And they are awful.

But so, too, does the kind of abuse that gaslights someone into submission and causes them to stop believing or trusting themselves. The kind that causes them to discount anything short of that overt abuse as 'okay.'

Physical, s*xual, and psychological abuses usually do not announce themselves as abuse - in fact, they are often followed up by a kindness of some sort: a text message, a small gift, a period of especially helpful or appreciative behavior... Or, they may be followed up by a justification - they were having such a bad day, or even more gaslighting - that you were just being so difficult, so unfair, or so resistant...

So the story becomes one of confusion, self-doubt, and self-blame. Then story becomes symptoms: insomnia, depression, hypervigilance, anxiety...

Let me assure that if it was really 'okay,' these would not be your responses. That's not what 'okay' feels like. So, if this is your experience, it's time to reach out for that support - you deserve to feel much better than 'okay' to begin with. And, you deserve a safe place to explore what's happened so that it doesn't continue to limit your experiences. We can't change what's happened but we can change how what's happened is affecting us.

Reach out. There's support available. And you are worth it!

There has been so much heaviness, tragedy, and trauma lately. So many of us are grieving, or feeling fearful, or angry, or maybe even in shock. Maybe all of the above.

But, we don't always know what to do with these kinds of feelings in the midst of a trauma or in the midst of a chaotic world. So, very often, individuals - especially those with freeze and fawn trauma responses - will just keep going about their normal routines.

If this is you, please know it's absolutely normal to do this. If this is someone you know, please don't categorize this person as someone who 'doesn't care.' You see, routine is a regulator. Routine can be, in and of itself, a nervous system regulator that signals to our body things are okay (or going to be.) Why would we want this? Because in order to respond, to cope, to eventually process the weight of what is going on around us, we have to be able to function. If your nervous system has been hijacked by the traumatic experience, that can't happen. So, when you're cleaning out a closet, or planning for the work week, or going grocery shopping, you're giving your nervous system a chance to break away from the trauma response and giving your brain critical time to think clearly, organize thoughts, and make plans.

Mental wellness is about balance: especially when living through real life situations. We've seen horrifying things recently, we've experienced both real and vicarious trauma, and many of us have felt very threatened. But, we also have the pressure of living: paying bills, taking care of our families, going to school or keeping other commitments. Life won't necessarily stop and so we must permit ourselves to do both things - process and release our emotions, and find ways to cope. Routine is one way we can cope.

As trauma survivors, we often dismiss our rightful place.
We step back.
We stand down.
We remain quiet.

After all, there was likely a time when doing this was the best way to survive. And not only is there nothing wrong with what you did, there's nothing wrong with feeling compelled to still do it.

But, you also need to know that stepping away from the table means your voice is lost - or worse.

Knowing we are safe now means working to craft a new survival approach; the one where you step into your power. Radical wellness tools permit us to work on new programming and new responses so we can take our rightful place AT the table - not on it.
Step forward.
Stand up.
Speak out.