06/28/2022
THREE BASIC TYPES OF DYSFUNCTIONS IN COUPLES
As I mentioned in the first part of my three-part series of blogs, there are three basic types of dysfunctions in couples. My first blog in this series described the “Hot, Fighting Couple.” This one will describe the “Cool, Distant Couple.” The last one will discuss the “Pursuer/ Distancer Couple.”
THE COOL, DISTANT COUPLE
Many of these couples don’t seek help because they think they have a “functional, good enough” relationship. When a cool, distant couple seeks help, one of the partners decides that the distancing dynamic is intolerable and wants it to change. Meanwhile, the other partner is quite comfortable and is not so interested in changing a thing.
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06/21/2022
THREE TYPES OF DYSFUNCTIONAL COUPLES DYNAMICS
In my experience in working with couples for 38 years, I have observed three basic types of couple’s dynamics. They include 1) The Hot, Fighting Couple, 2) The Cool, Distant Couple and 3) The Pursuer/ Distancing Couple. I will describe each one and explain what can be done to help couples discontinue these patterns. This three part blog will start by describing the Fighting Couple.
THE FIGHTING COUPLE
It takes two to make a fighting couple. In this type of couple, each partner tends to be highly emotionally reactive to each other. They each can feel threatened and/or become triggered by the other easily and things between them can escalate quickly. In essence, neither one really wants or chooses to become a fighter. When any human being feels threatened, their survival mechanisms kick in to create basic automatic reactions of flight, fight or freeze. In a fighting couple, they each learned to react with a fight response. They probably learned to tolerate a high level of conflict and emotional intensity. There are two basic ways that people learn this way of coping in relationships.
First, I always ask my clients, “where did you learn to behave this way?”
Often times, the answer is, “I watched my dad and mom fight like cats and dogs.” Role modeling is a very powerful way for a child to learn how to behave in relationships. With deep compassion, I say to these clients, “through no fault of your own, you breathed in this behavior like secondhand smoke.” And “You acquired this behavior, it’s not who you are meant to be, and you can stop it in its tracks starting today.” This is not an excuse, it’s an explanation.
Another way a child can learn to become a fighter, is that they may
have been “falsely empowered” by one or both parents. This means
that they were allowed to do whatever they wanted and the parents
failed to set limits on them. When these kids grow up, they feel
entitled to do and say whatever they want without regard of its impact
on others around them. They often engage in “unbridled self-expression” and lack empathy for others. It’s a setup for becoming a “fighter” in a close, intimate relationship. This is a pattern that looks more like a “character problem’ to others. However, it is also a learned behavior, and it can be stopped in its tracks too.
What can be done to help fighting couples? The first order of business is to get them stabilized by reducing the frequency of their conflict. I teach them a “dead stop time out” skill. They agree on a code word and when one of them utters the code word, they agree to stop all contact and go their separate ways for 20-30 minutes. They then do check ins with each other over texting to negotiate when they are ready to be relational with each other. For some couples, they may need a full 24 hours of time out to get there.
My next intervention is to teach them the “Whoosh” skill. This is when they begin to identify what their partner does to trigger them without blame. I teach them to manage their automatic, emotionally immature reaction of fight and escalation. They learn how to find their “wise adult” self who can be more relational with their partner. They badly need to learn the skills to emotionally regulate themselves and “co-regulate” each other. If both partners do their part in managing themselves, their fighting pattern can dissipate rather quickly.
There are many other things I do to help fighting couples to return to their natural state of being relational. It’s a very complex pattern and there are many variations on this theme. Stay tuned for my next blog on the Cool Distancing Couple. You can find out more about me and how I work with couples on my website: https://relationaljoywithdrpamstaples.com
06/14/2022
What is Relational Joy?
Relational Joy is the namesake of my new couples group coaching program and website. I define Relational Joy as a state of “co-harmony” between two partners that is fairly consistent across time. Co-harmony is when each partner is relationally mindful of the other and each sees the relationship as its own entity that requires daily nurturing. Relational Joy is a combination of love, generosity, and cherishing. When partners are being their “best relational selves,” they can achieve a state of Relational Joy. This is what most couples are seeking and have a deep desire to achieve in their relationships.
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06/07/2022
WHAT IS RELATIONAL LIFE THERAPY
And why is it so effective?
What is Relational Life Therapy?
Relational Life Therapy, aka RLT, is a therapeutic model for helping couples create long-lasting, healthy changes in their relationships. It was developed by a brilliant marriage and family therapist from Boston, Terry Real. Over the years, Terry has created the perfect recipe with theoretical ingredients from family systems, psychology, child development, and gender. These all began to coalesce in his first bestselling book (1997) on male depression called I Don’t Want to Talk About It. He was the first therapist to truly grasp the psychological costs on being raised as a male in American culture. This was followed by his second book (2002), How to Get Through to You, which addressed the female/couple side of the equation.
In 2007, he “married” the foundations of these two books when he wrote The New Rules of Marriage, a bestselling book on teaching couples the skills to have a more relational, cherishing relationship. He began training therapists across the country in this couple’s model almost 20 years ago. He has about 200 certified therapists who follow and implement his model with couples (see his therapist map on his website www.terryreal.com).
Relational Life Therapy is a radical approach to couples’ therapy. It definitely is not traditional “talk therapy” where couples spend an hour a week rehashing the events of the last week or recycling their last fight.
How RLT Differs from Other Couples Therapy Models
First, most therapists who work with couples are taught to be ”neutral” in their stance with each partner in the couple. In RLT, therapists “take sides,” meaning that they provide truthful and caring feedback to the partner with the most “non-relational” behaviors. Often times, both partners exhibit “non-relational” behavior, so the therapist will often start with the partner with the most offensive types of behavior. After that partner “wakes up” to their part in the couples’ dance, the therapist will then turn to the other partner for changing. In my work with couples, I tell them, “I take turns taking sides.” I also call the work I do with each partner “leaning on” them. I ask, “is it okay with you if I ‘lean on you’ right now?” Because this work is truthful and respectful at a foundational level, the answer is often “yes.”
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06/01/2022
Relationship Coaching vs. Couples Therapy.
Couples who are seeking to improve or transform their relationship often use a “hit or miss” or “trial and error” approach to finding the best professional to help them with their goals. I have been in the field for 38 years and I have seen my share of couples who have been through two to five rounds of couples therapy achieving very few, if any, results.
As I mentioned in a previous blog, How to Find the Right Couples Counselor, only one in ten therapists are truly qualified to provide quality marriage / couples counseling. For those many consumers who do not know this important fact, they have a 90 percent chance of choosing an unqualified couples’ counselor.
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05/23/2022
HOW TO FIND THE RIGHT COUPLES COUNSELOR
Dr. Pam Staples
www.RelationalJoywithDrPam.com
Where to start?
Many couples are searching for ways to improve and/or transform their relationships. They often want more closeness and connection than what they saw in their parents’ marriages. However, they lack the skill set or knowledge base to create what they are yearning for. So, couples find themselves seeking the right professional to help them achieve their relational goals.
What do couples need to know about this professional “marketplace?” First, they should know that only one in ten therapists are qualified to help couples according to the Zur Institute. Yet, many therapists will say they do couples counseling without having the specialized training to do so.
What to look for?
About 20 years ago, some brilliant, seasoned therapists began teaching other therapists like me how to be effective in helping couples change and get what they want from their relationships. Some of these “master therapists” include John Gottman, Stan Tatkin, Ellyn Bader, Sue Johnson, and Terry Real. They each developed rigorous, intensive certification programs that took about two years to complete. For example, I began my Master Certified Relational Life Therapy program in 2007 with Terry Real from Boston of RLT fame. This training changed my competency level in working with couples so significantly and I became so much more effective in helping them achieve the results they wanted.
Best Tips:
When it comes to finding the right fit for a relationship therapist, it’s always best to get a word-of-mouth referral from someone you know. However, this is not always possible. The following are tips for finding the right fit with a couple’s therapist:
1. It is recommended that you narrow your search to three marriage or couples’ therapists and that you ask for an initial brief phone chat with each. I recommend that both partners do this together or individually. The time investment is worth it—believe me.
2. The first question to ask is if they have specialized training in couples therapy and with whom did they do their training?
3. If they do, investigate that particular brand of couples therapy and see if it seems like a good fit for your relationship goals.
4. In addition, choosing an experienced therapist over a ‘rookie” will likely serve you best. A therapist is considered “seasoned” after working in for 10-12 years after they are licensed in their respective field. Beware of the therapist who does not list the year of completion of their advanced degree (masters or doctorate) or the year they became fully licensed on their website. It’s unethical not to disclose these facts to consumers.
5. When you chat with them, notice how you feel and if you like them or not, etc. Ask lots of questions about their qualifications, experience, areas of specialty in working with couples. You can collect a lot of information in a brief phone call and determine if it will be a poor fit or a great one.
6. Gather information on availability, scheduling, fees, location, and all of the practical things you need to know in order to proceed.
If you follow these tips, you should be on your way to finding a best fit for your couples counseling professional. Stay tuned for my next blog post about the differences between relationship counseling and relationship coaching. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog!
