05/03/2016
Yes!
Tattling is a type of communication. Sometime we feel bothered or annoyed when children tattle. Unknowingly, we shut down a line of communication with our kids when we direct them to stop tattling (telling). Today's Conscious Commitment is designed to help adults use tattling as a tool to teach while keeping the doors of communication open and our relationships with our children safe.
When a child tattles, she is telling you that she does NOT know HOW TO handle something. Tattling falls into three categories:
1. Safety
2. Intrusion
3. Revenge
This week's Conscious Commitment:
I will remember that tattling is a form of communication and an opportunity to teach. I am willing to teach my child what TO DO.
To Commit, COMMENT:
ImWillingRu
To learn how to handle the three types of tattling, continue reading below.
1. SAFETY:
Whenever there is an issue of SAFETY, let the child know, “It is my job to keep everyone safe. I will take care of it.” OR “It is my job to keep everyone safe. I will help right now.”
2. INTRUSION:
Whenever there is an issue of INTRUSION teach the child to be assertive:
- Ask the child telling, “Did you like it?” (*NOTE* This is done to assess the assertiveness of the tattler and help the tattler focus on her own feelings. The intention of the adult asking is key!)
- The child will usually respond, “No.” Assess the energy in your child’s response. Was the, “No,” passive, assertive or aggressive?
- If you get an ASSERTIVE REPSONSE from the child, say, “Go tell _____, I don’t like it when you push me. Then have your child practice the Power of Attention by telling the other child what she wants him TO DO. “I want you to _____.”
Example: I don’t like it when you push me. I want you to ask me to move.
- If you get a PASSIVE OR AGGRESSIVE RESONSE from a child, teach the words to say AND the tone of voice to use. Practice with the child. Then go accompany and assist the child through the process.
3. REVENGE:
The REVENGE category of tattling refers to a child who is telling you something that is happening around her, not to her. Sometimes the motivation is helpful. The child may think it is important to let the adult know what someone else is doing. Other times, the motivation is hurtful. The child IS NOT hurtful but the motivation is hurtful in that moment. The child may be "telling" to get the other child in trouble. Usually, this is because the tattler feels upset and does not know how to express her anger directly. This is a time to teach!
Whenever there is an issue of REVENGE, teach the child to be helpful:
- Ask the child telling, “Are you telling me to be helpful or hurtful?” (*NOTE* This is done to help the tattler focus on her own motivation. The intention of the adult asking is key!)
- If the child responds HELPUL:
Adult: “How is telling me about ______ being helpful?”
Child: “He/she is supposed to _________.”
Adult: “So you wanted _______. What could do or say to let ________ know _______.
- If the child responds HURTFUL:
Adult: “What could you do that is helpful?”
Child: “I don’t know.”
Adult: “So you wanted _______. You could do or say ________.”
Example:
Child: “Aaron is not cleaning up.” Adult: “Are you telling me to be helpful or hurtful?”
Child: “Helpful.”
Adult: “How is telling me about Aaron not cleaning up being helpful?”
Child: “He is supposed to help clean up.”
Adult: “So you wanted Aaron to do his part. You can tell Aaron, ‘Please help clean up.’”
Child tells Aaron and adults follows-up with:
You told Aaron it was time to clean up so he could do his part. That was helpful!
Example:
Child: “Aaron is not cleaning up.” Adult: “Are you telling me to be helpful or hurtful?” Child: “Hurtful.” Adult: “So you wanted Aaron to help clean up. You can tell Aaron, ‘Please help clean up.’”
Child tells Aaron and adults follows-up with:
You told Aaron it was time to clean up so he could do his part. That was helpful!
Our book Shubert's Big Voice is an excellent tool to further teach yourself and your children about the Skill of Assertiveness. Additionally, there are free extension lessons, for this book, on our website for primary and intermediate grades.
As always, we wish you well!
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