Arkansas Relationship Coach

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
Louise Erdrich - The Painted Drum, 2005.

We're all used to ridding our flower beds of weeds. But, sometimes grass (usually a good thing) creeps in. We have learned that when we strategically place some type of edging around our flower bed, we have better control of what grows in it.

Think of the flower bed as your relationship with your significant other, the grass as well-meaning people outside your relationship, and the edging as boundaries.

People outside your relationship can, in effect, be like the typically good grass that slinks into our flower bed. However, anything that keeps us from having a strong and healthy relationship, or deters our ability to maintain it, can actually be deemed a “weed.”

You may have amazing family, friends or in-laws, but if you haven't established any boundaries with them, then they may cross into an area where they don’t necessarily belong. This could eventually affect your relationship with both them and your significant other.

Setting boundaries is not a negative thing; it's a way of protecting what is important to you. If you're aware of and can meet potential issues head on, even the best variety of grass can never sneak in and destroy your flowers.

~ Carol Anne Cullum

If your woman's lost her spark,
If she looks tired all the time, gained weight, stopped dressing up, walks around like her soul's been evicted …

It's not always menopause. It's not always age. It's not laziness.

Sometimes … it's you.

Yes. You.

Sometimes her body is screaming what she's too afraid or exhausted to say:
"I don't feel safe. I don't feel chosen. I don't feel seen."

You wanna know how well a man loves his woman?

Look at her.

Look at her face. Her eyes. Her posture.

Look at how she walks into a room.
Does she radiate? Does she move like she owns the space?

Or does she shrink? Walk around tight in the shoulders like life feels heavy before the day's even started.
Move through the house like her nervous system is bracing for impact.

Don't lie to yourself.

If you treat her like your maid, your therapist, your emotional punching bag, don't be surprised when the light in her eyes disappears.

She didn't "let herself go."

She got tired.

Tired of being last. Tired of asking for crumbs. Tired of being touched only when you're h***y and not when she needs you. Tired of carrying your weight and hers, then being called "too much" the second she finally breaks under it.

You can't feed a woman neglect and expect her to glow. You can't starve her emotionally and wonder why she shut down sexually. You can't give more energy to your group chat than your woman and expect her to bloom.

You're either pouring love into her … or draining the life out of her. You're either nurturing her soul … or leaving it to dry out and crack. You're either making her feel chosen … or watching her vanish in slow motion. You're either fueling her fire … or suffocating it with your silence. You're either building a sanctuary … or slowly turning her into a ghost inside her own home.

There is no neutral. There is no maintenance mode.

There is only the slow accumulation of what you chose to give … or what you didn't.

You don't have to be rich. You don't have to be a poet.
You just have to care.

Put down your pride. Put down your phone. Put down your excuses and show up.

Rub her shoulders without being asked. Hold her when she's distant instead of punishing her for protecting herself. Tell her she's beautiful when she's bloated, exhausted, and wearing the same stained shabby hoodie she's had since 2017.

Show up with presence … or slowly make her invisible.

If you keep treating her like an afterthought, don't be shocked when she stops giving a crap about trying to be your fantasy.

She's not ugly.

She's unloved.

And the world can see it, even if you're too checked out to notice.

So ask yourself: Are you giving her something to rise with … or making her rot while calling it "just a phase?”
Because she's not fading for no reason.

She's not "too sensitive." She's not "too much."

She's “surviving” you.

And if you keep confusing neglect with normal, don't act surprised when one day she's gone.
Not in anger. Not in a scream.

Just gone. Quietly.

And the ghost you'll be left with? That's the version of her you created.

So are you loving her into radiance, or dimming her light until she disappears?

Because one gives you the woman of your dreams.

The other leaves you sleeping next to the ghost you created.

Choose.

Every.

Day.

I know it hurts.

It’s a very strange feeling how someone can be in your life for months or even years and then one day ... all of a sudden not be there anymore.

Maybe the relationship ended on good terms.... or maybe it was completely catastrophic.

Either way .... it’s so bizarre how relationships can change so vast and rapidly.

And you know what .... you may not be at peace with what happened between the two of you ... and thats perfectly fine.

Sometimes the end of a relationship can literally be one of the hardest things we go through in life.

I want you to know it’s okay that your heart still hurts because of what happened.

You have made alot of memories with this person.

And these memories that you have made is something you can’t erase no matter how hard you try.

Whether you like it or not, they are a part of your story.

I know looking on these memories can be hard, and you may wish you could forget them.

But instead of forgetting, maybe we should try to focus on what came from the relationship.

You two joined paths for a particular reason.

Maybe you walked through some of the hardest times together.

Maybe you understood each other in a way no one else ever did.

Maybe you encouraged one another to be strong or to embrace who you genuinely were as a person.

Or maybe your relationship with them opened your eyes to what you truly needed in your life.

Regardless of what the reasoning was, it’s okay to acknowledge that .... that person meant a lot to you.

And it's okay if they still do.

It’s also okay that they aren’t in your life anymore.

What alot of people dont understand is, not every relationship we encounter will last a lifetime.

You shouldn't be lingering in the past questioning why everything happened the way it did.

What you need to do .... is to take what you've learned from that relationship and move forward in your life.

Knowing there are other relationships that will give you exactly what you've always dreamed of and more.

I need you to know that you're not going to feel this way forever.

You will continue to move forward and you will continue to grow with everyday that passes.

Take my advice and remember ....

Sometimes the people you wanted as part of your story, are only meant to be a chapter.

~ Cody Bret

You: But it feels like they won. They’re happy, and I’m the one left picking up the pieces.

God: Justice isn't a race, and it isn't always loud. While they are building on a foundation of sand, I am using these pieces to build something unbreakable in you. Their "happiness" is a mask; your healing is a miracle.

You: I keep replaying the words they said. They stay in my head like they’re true.

God: Those words didn't come from me. I am the only one who defines you. They saw your worth and tried to diminish it so they could feel taller. I see your worth and I’m using it to light your path. Stop listening to the ghost of their voice and start listening to the truth of mine.

You: How do I stop being so angry? It burns.

God: Give the fire to me. Anger is a heavy shield to carry, and your arms are tired. You think your anger protects you from being hurt again, but it only keeps you tethered to the person who hurt you. Let go of the rope. I am your protector now.

You: Will I ever trust anyone again?

God: You will, but first, you will learn to trust yourself again—and to trust me. I am refining your discernment. I am giving you eyes to see hearts, not just faces. The next season of your life won't require you to be guarded; it will require you to be present.

You: It’s so quiet now that they’re gone.

God: The quiet isn't emptiness; it’s an invitation. It’s the space I’ve cleared so you can finally hear my whisper. You’ve been in a storm for so long you forgot what peace sounds like. Lean into the silence. That’s where I’m doing my best work.

You: I’m scared to move forward. What if it happens again?

God: I have gone before you to level the mountains. What happened back there was a lesson, not a life sentence. You aren't going back to that place, and I won't let that shadow touch your future. Take my hand. We aren't just moving away from the pain; we are moving toward a promise.

You: I’m ready to try.

God: Good. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes. I am holding the world, which means I am definitely holding you. Just breathe. I’ve got the rest.