Louise Tallen Coaching

Adventures in Meme Deconstruction: Part One

Memes, memes, everywhere memes. Pithy sayings, quotes from famous people, and wise adages meant to teach us something about how to live and self-actualize. People post them without thinking about what they really mean. This post is the first in a series deconstructing popular sayings.

This morning, I read a quote from Brené Brown on Facebook that made me pause. “True belonging never asks us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” Now, at face value this sounds like a good thing, right? Be who you are. However, what it’s really saying is belonging is your responsibility. If you don’t feel like you belong, it’s because you’re not being who you are.

I know, who am I to question the wisdom of Brené Brown? But, here’s the thing, her idea of belonging fits within the American, Calvinist notion of rugged individualism, and comes from the same canon as Ralph Waldo Emerson’s essay, “Self-Reliance.” The quote comes from her book, Braving the Wilderness, in which she also writes, “We confuse belonging with fitting in, but the truth is that belonging is just in our heart, and when we belong to ourselves and believe in ourselves above all else, we belong everywhere and nowhere.”

I call bu****it on this. This is the same argument used by lots of self-help gurus; to be self-actualized means you don’t need anyone else. We’ve come 180 degrees from John Donne’s famous words, “No man is an island…” Now, every person is an island, separate from the main. If we are all responsible for our own belonging, then I have no responsibility for helping you feel like you belong. If that’s the case, then why should we worry about DEIJB (diversity, equity, inclusion, justice, and belonging) training? I don’t need to work at creating a welcoming environment where others feel belonging. I’ll just do what I want, and if you don’t like it, or don’t feel belonging, it’s not on me.

The truth is, belonging requires safety, trust, and acceptance. It means being valued, respected, and loved for who you are, as you are. You can be who you are, and still not be valued, loved, respected, or appreciated in a particular setting.

What if that statement was rewritten, “True belonging doesn’t mean changing who we are, it means being valued for who we are, as we are? That feels better to me.

How can you create belonging for others in your own life? Start by getting honest about the stories you tell yourself about others and t yourself. Get honest about your own biases and how these biases affect how you treat others.

Now, creating belonging doesn’t mean I have to like everyone or accept everything people do. It’s not about being a doormat, or never having an opinion. Creating belonging means you stop expecting people to be other than who they are, and allowing others to be the messy, complicated, complex beings they are.

Remember, life’s messy, leave it that way.

Making my mother’s apple pie

The Crust

Take just enough flour,
A pinch of salt, some Crisco
(How much?)
You don’t need to measure it,
You’ll know when it’s right

Mix this together until it’s crumbly
Add just enough water to make
The dough stick together
(How much water?)
Enough, not too much
(it should be frustratingly dry)

Split dough into two balls
Roll out on a lightly floured surface
(I read that you should refrigerate the dough)
Roll it immediately, refrigeration is for the weak

The dough should barely stick together
(Swearing at the dough helps ensure a flaky crust)
Line the pie pan with crust, cut off the extra dough
Pinch the edges with your fingers

Filling

Peel enough tart apples, preferably Granny Smith
(How many apples?)
Enough for a 9” crust, you’ll know it
Slice thin, but not too thin
(you don’t want mush)

Sprinkle tapioca on the bottom crust
To keep it from getting mushy
(I’ve read you should use flour)
That’s how the goyim do it, use tapioca

Toss the sliced apples on top
(I’ve seen them arranged neatly by others)
No one cares how they are arranged
Once the apples are in, add
Sugar, cinnamon, maybe nutmeg
(How much?)
Enough with the questions, just watch
Practice, get the feel

Place the top crust over the apples
Pinch to close
Cut a hole in the center of the crust
Make a funnel out of tinfoil
place it in the hole
(Why the funnel?)
So the juices won’t ruin the crust

Bake in the oven until done
and ready to eat
(Until the kitchen smells like heaven
And her memory is a blessing)

While the pie cooks, take the leftover dough
Reroll it and cut into circles using a shot glass
Sprinkle cinnamon sugar on the rounds and bake
Eat while hot so the cinnamon sugar burns your tongue

When the pie is done, remove from oven
Let cool until you can’t stand it
Then slice and eat
(let your tears fall onto the pie)

Today's offering for LexPoMo:

The Man on the Bus | Lexington Poetry Month I met a man on the bus The doors opened and among the throngs of  people he appeared as if from another ageDark grey wool suit, fedora, black wingtips Dapper […]

Today's offering for LexPoMO:

HalfLife | Lexington Poetry Month What happens when you omit half the emotions from your repertoire Deny anger, jealousy, sorrow, grief Focus only on joy, happiness, ease, peace It’s like trying to speak using only […]

After a long hiatus, my blog is back. Here is the latest offering:

The Ebb and Flow of Life — Louise Tallen This I wish for you. That you find the sparks of hope in your life, and that you allow yourself to love all of yourself, all your bits and pieces.

The Polar Express has been rereleased this year. I’ve noticed lots of social media posts lauding this movie for its messages about belief and friendship, and the beauty of the motion capture used in the movie. I had not seen the film, and so based on all the positive comments, I decided to watch it. I was struck, not by its message, but by how much this movie works to inculcate children into a particular viewpoint.

Let me back up a moment to a wider lens. Diversity/inclusion training is all the rage now along with training about unconscious biases and beliefs. I believe this is a good thing. The stress is on working with adults, who often balk at such training claiming, I’m not a racist/antisemite/homo-transphobe/Islamophobe. Here’s the thing, we all harbor unconscious biases (I’ll get into that in another blog post). Many unconscious biases are internalized in childhood and we’re not conscious of it happening. Movies, television shows, plays, and books geared toward children are an easy way to indoctrinate children on cultural norms. The Polar Express is a prime example. What follows is my own interpretation of this movie from the lens of a cultural anthropologist. It is a long post, but I hope you will take the time to read it with an open mind.

Overall, the tone of this movie is interesting. The background music is mostly in a major key, music more fit for a sweeping saga than a small children’s movies. The colors, however, are in a minor key, muted, subdued—even the red of the elves costumes is not bright. I found the motion capture I found to be a little creepy, with the children at times moving more like wraiths than children. This was especially true for hero girl.

Now to some specifics. There are four children featured in the film. We only see into the house of one child, “hero boy.” Hero boy is white. His home is a large, brick home fully decorated for Christmas. He has a heteronormative, biological nuclear family; we see his mother, father, and a younger sister. As the camera pans in on his bedroom we see his bed, covered by a red and white striped comforter over blue flannel sheets, reminiscent of the American flag. When he gets out of bed, we see he is wearing pajamas that have a collared top, more like what an adult male would wear. He grabs his robe on the way out of his room, a dark blue robe that ties, much like an adult’s robe.

Hero boy sees the Polar Express and the conductor, voiced by Tom Hanks. The conductor’s outfit looks less like a conductor’s outfit and more like a Russian or German WWII military outfit. His mustache is a strange cross between a “porn-stach” and a Hitleresque mustache. When hero boy is hesitant to “get on board” the conductor tells him, “it’s your choice.” The boy thinks and then gets on the train.

Once on board we see other children, two of whom feature in the rest of the film. Hero girl, who is never named. She is a Black girl, and she is wearing a long nightgown and her hair is in braids. All the girls in the movie wear nightgowns and all the boys wear pajamas with one exception. We never see into the home of the hero girl, and we know nothing else about her. More about her in a minute. Also on the train is “know-it-all boy.” He is wearing pajamas that have a pullover top, with a rocket on it, and he wears glasses. He speaks in a stereotypical, whiny, Jewish voice. He is a brainy, science and fact spewing child, depicted as a “nerd” letting children know this is not who you want to be. More about him later too.

The last character is “Sad boy.” He is not on the train at first. As the train picks up speed, Know-it-all boy declares they are going “to the other side of the tracks.” Many children might not have heard that expression before, but they will understand it now. The train stops in front of a rundown clapboard house, radically different from hero boy’s large, brick house. He comes out of the house, and he is wearing a long sleeping gown. He looks sad, and his sleeping gown is old and worn. He is the only boy to be dressed in a gown, a subtle emasculation of a poor boy—poverty is given a feminine gloss—poor boy wears a dress. This will register at a subconscious level for children. When sad/poor boy gets on the train he goes all the way to the back and sits in a car by himself. Another subtle message. Interestingly sad/poor boy is the only child who is named in the movie. His name is Billy.

All the characters except one in the movie are thin. The exception is the train engineer who is depicted as fat and also dirty and unpleasant.

The hero girl fulfills the “magical negro” role in this film. She is called hero girl, but all she really does is support hero boy, who gets all the glory and saves the day. In one scene hero girl is at the controls of the train, because the engineer showed her how to work the controls while he went to change the light on the front of the train. Of course, there is a dangerous situation, and the train must be stopped suddenly. Panic! Hero girl tells hero boy which lever is the brake, and which is the gas. He doesn’t believe her. A back and forth ensues. Logically, the hero girl would just act and pull the brake. She knows what is right. However, he makes her second guess herself, and hero boy after hesitating about which lever to pull, finally pulls the lever hero girl told him was the brake. He stops the train and saves everyone.

Once the children arrive at the north pole there are more adventures. Our three protagonists and our antagonist get lost. They are split up and hero girl leads the three protagonists, claiming she can hear the sound of bells. Sad boy also hears the bells, hero boy can’t hear them, because he doesn’t believe. Hero girl leads them through many twists and turns all the while hero boy doubts her and doesn’t believe she knows what she’s doing. She gets to be the magical negro, and hero boy can demean her as a female and as a black person.

Eventually they end up on a conveyer belt and presents drop down. There is a present addressed to sad boy’s address. He grabs the present. There are lots more events and he doesn’t want to let go of his present. He wants to open it. There is a warning on the box that reads, “don’t open before Christmas.” Finally, elves kindly convince him to let them have the gift telling him they will keep it safe.

This contrasts with know-it-all boy. When the children fall into the giant bag containing the presents, know-it-all boy is in there looking for his presents. He tells the other children he only found one box and it contained underwear, clearly not a preferred gift. When the children finally make it to them main square of the elf town, know-it-all boy is admonished for looking for his presents and is told he needs to learn a little humility. Given that he is depicted as Jewish-sounding and nerdy I found this frightening.

There is a scene in the elf workshop where the head of the elves admonishes the elves. He is depicted as unpleasant and nagging. This character has a stereotyped Yiddish/Jewish accent and even uses the Jewish word meshugannah (which means crazy). He tells the elves to hurry up because time is wasting, and time is money, reinforcing the Jew/money stereotype. He also has a pronounced hook nose, much like stereotyped antisemitic caricatures of Jews.

There is also a small scene with Ebenezer Scrooge, also depicted as rail thin, with a large, hooked nose and wearing striped pajamas that evoke a concentration camp uniform.

Eventually everyone, the children, the conductor, the elves, and Santa Claus are all in the main square. This Santa Claus looks much more like the stern, German St. Nicholas rather than the jolly Santa of Miracle on 34th street. He is also much thinner than the usual American Santa.

At the climax all the elves and reindeer are dancing, and the reindeer are festooned with bell garlands. One of the bells falls off and Hero boy picks it up. He can’t hear it ring. Finally, he gets that he must believe to hear it and repeats over and over, “I believe” until he hears the bell.

The children all end up back on the train and return home. Once again, we only see into hero boy’s home. Sad boy gets dropped off in front of his house, hero girl and know-it-all boy remain on the train. Hero boy gets off and goes inside his home. We see the next morning on Christmas that his family has tons of presents including a train, and under the tree is a small box containing the bell which hero boy of course lost on the way. He believes now!

There are songs and musical numbers that play in the background throughout the movie. Toward the end of the movie, “Santa Claus is coming to town” features prominently with its message of coercive control and warnings to get on board or get left out. In case you’ve forgotten the lyrics are:

You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town

He's making a list
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice
Santa Claus is coming to town

He sees you when you're sleeping
And he knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake

You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why
'Cause Santa Claus is coming to town

Now, he sees you when you're sleeping
And he knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake

You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is coming to town.

So, children are warned not to show emotion, not to cry, and to always be on guard because Santa is always watching you. This is indeed manipulation and coercive emotional control. How many children have heard the warning to “be good” or you’ll get a lump of coal on Christmas?

This movie is rated G and is likely to be seen by children with their parents. In most cases, all the things I’ve pointed out will go unnoticed and/or unremarked. Children will internalize these biases and the adults will have their internalized biases reinforced.

Think about all the ways you were indoctrinated as a child into what is right and good. It’s not Truth, it’s a story, one story out of many possibilities. As an adult, question the stories you were told as a child. Question your beliefs. If you watched this movie and didn’t notice any of what I’ve written about, rather than dismissing me, as I’m sure some of you reading this will do, ask yourself why what I’ve written makes you uncomfortable. Get curios and then get searching.

Welcome to the July newsletter. Summer is in full swing, and here in Kentucky, it's hot! I'm an avid reader and, recently, I read a book that floored me, The Body is Not an Apology, written by Sonya Rene Taylor. The book is about using what she calls "Radical self love"' to change the way we look at ourselves, the ways we relate to other people, and to change the world for the better. Some of the ideas are familiar to me, and she says some of the same things in the book I say to clients: that we have to make friends with the parts of ourselves we've rejected, and that we have to love all of ourselves without reservation.

I was reading along in the book, saying "yes, yes, yes" as I read. Then, I got to a passage where Taylor wrote about posting a picture of herself on Facebook, and part of the caption read, "...I am unashamed, unapologetic" (p. 18 in Kindle version). She asked others to post photos of themselves, "in which they felt unashamed and unapologetic in their bodies" (ibid). I stopped reading as I felt my whole body tigthen up. My throat closed, my heart pounded, I could feel my shoulders hunching up, I closed my mouth. I realized there is not a single picture of me I am proud of, not a single picture of me where I can honestly say I am unashsmed, unapologetic. It was a lightbulb moment. I am 62 years old and I have a long relationship with body shame.

As a child I was naturally thin and I used to get taunts of "knobby knees," and other things, which made me not want to show my legs. As I began to get my adult teeth, they were stained, because I'd taken tetracycline as a baby. Taunts about my teeth caused me to not want to open my mouth. I had eczema and my pediatrician told me I better stop scrathing, because if I didn't no one would ever want to marry me. When we moved to Pennsylvania when I was in sixth grade, I was taunted about my hair, which was wavy. It goes on and on. Along the way I internalized that shame, and began to hate my body, my face, my hair, my teeth, my smile, my skin.

Even now, I took at pictures of myself and see only flaws. I am just beginning to unpack all of the shame I still hold about my body caused by those stories I told myself based on what others said. We all do this to some extent; allow the opinions of others to shape us and shame us.

The picture I have posted with this was taken on my eigths birthday. My parents were taking me to a fancy French restaurant for a birthday dinner. I loved my new, paisley printed dress, and my green fishnet tights. However, I am clasping my hands together to try hiding the obvious eczema and after seeing the picture, I was horrified you could see the dark blotch in my elbow folds from eczema. This picture became one piece of evidence in my prosecution of myself for being wrong and bad and having a defective body. I post this picture today to reclaim myself, to remember not the shame, but the delight at that dinner; the excitement of going to a "real" restaurant with cloth napkins and linen tablecloths. I remember drinking a shirley temple and eating fancy food. I remember that the waiter made me a doll out of a cloth napkin, folding it in such a way that it looked like a chef, complete with a face and details drawn on with his pen. I remember the joy of that new dress and those tights, and the black patent leather shoes.

What shame about your body do you hold? What parts of it do you consider bad or wrong? How does that influence how you treat yourself and treat others? How do you make the bodies of other people bad and wrong? Begin asking these questions. Reclaim your body now.