09/07/2026
Thinking your training in a cage prepares you for a battle against an enraged primate is entirely detached from biological reality.
I have nothing against this fighter, I won't make fun of his victory records, and he even said this is basically a joke that escalated out of proportion, with no actual confirmation, but let's take it as if it were, just for fun.
An elite human strike might look impressive on paper. A trained heavy hitter can throw a punch delivering around 2,500 to 5,000 Newtons of force, and a human can exert a few hundred pounds of crushing pressure on a neck. But human anatomy is built around fine motor control, balance, and endurance. We have a high percentage of slow-twitch muscle fibers, delicate facial bones, and zero natural armor.
Chimpanzee muscle fibers are composed of roughly 67% fast-twitch fibers, making them roughly 1.35 to 1.5 times stronger than a human pound-for-pound. They pull, lift, and leverage force with explosive speed.
While an average human bite force sits around 160 PSI, a chimpanzee clocks in at roughly 1,300 PSI, equipped with massive, dagger-like canines designed to shred through tissue and crack bone. It's a living hydraulic press with 2-inch (5 centimeters) long dagger teeth.
A chimp doesn't care about jab-cross combinations, guard passes, or judges' scorecards. A chimp goes straight for the face, fingers, and ge****ls, using immense grip strength to pull limbs out of their sockets while biting through flesh.
Step two (which encompasses fighting another wild animal with a sword) never happens, because step one ends in an intensive care unit in the best case scenario, with him being fed through a straw for the rest of his natural life, in a not so bad scenario, or with him not being alive in the worst one.
-AMV