CLMP Advocacy & Consulting, LLC

Kids are often blamed for being emotionally dysregulated and partly for good reason. While children's brains are developing they physically can't manage big emotions. But so often children are singled out for having emotional melt-downs when parents are completely losing control of their own emotions too. It's easy to blame the child as we as parents can feel justified in losing control because kids can be so frustrating. Lets face it, nobody can push your buttons like your child. The problem is, if we lose control of our emotions when our kids are out of control, then we set up a culture of dysregulation. Emotions feed off emotions, so if we are going to bring calm we need to learn to regulate ourselves.

More information on my blog

https://www.thetherapistparent.com/post/creating-a-self-regulated-family

Prompting helps users learn that we care what they have to say. But over-prompting can accidentally teach them that we are in charge of their communication. The best prompt can be simply leaving enough wait time for them to speak up on their own!

[Prompting: We give prompts to help our AAC learners use their AAC. We can best help when we give verbal (spoken) cue or gestural (action) cues. Say what they can do and show them. We should avoid using physical (hand over hand) prompts. The top left has a speech bubble coming from a tablet reading “AAC Buzz Words!”. The top right has the AssistiveWare logo, and the bottom left reads www/.assistiveware/.com]

When someone is traumatized, the world can seem chaotic and their sense of safety can be threatened. This can result in a dysfunctional need to control everyone and everything in their lives.

The need to control can be seen in behavior patterns such as being judgmental, perfectionistic, having a lack of accountability, refusing to admit doing something wrong, acting without regard to others. It may also present as having a need to micromanage, feel superior, dominate or criticize. There may also be a lack of empathy.

Sometimes the world can seem chaotic and out of control. How do you respond to events that seem to threaten your sense of safety and wellbeing? Does it trigger a fight/flight response? Do you see others as the enemy? Do you want to control your situation, others, etc.? Who are you fighting or fleeing from?

Whether we feel controlled or we’re trying to control others, we are in a state of fight or flight. When we are in a state of fight/flight we don’t have access to the part of our brain (prefrontal cortex) that can come up with solutions, find opportunities and bring compromise to the table.

Let’s find ways to to give up controlling others so that all of us can live in a more just, impartial, non-judgmental, thriving society.

Soooo many reasons to say, "no"
It's not on the schedule, it's too close to dismissal, we're already cleaned up, it'll make a mess, someone will get hurt....

What about the reasons for YES?
Pure joy and happiness, teamwork and cooperation, creative problem solving, modeling flexibility from us as adults....

Here's to the power of yes
yes we can do The Floor is Lava
yes you can go get the trampoline
yes you can use the yoga mats
yes you can rearrange the chairs
yes you can invite your friends and yes you can enjoy being a kid with them

The purpose of our sessions isn't to follow a schedule. The purpose of our sessions is to help cultivate positive and meaningful relationships.

Saying YES got us there today

Maria Montessori and her many disciples believed that children are, in their essence, methodical, self-directed beings with a strong work ethic. Her prophetic pedagogy was developed in the early 20th century with the least powerful in mind—she worked with children who were poor, or traumatized, or who lived in Rome’s ghastly asylums. And yet, today, there are only a few hundred public Montessori schools in the U.S. “The obvious irony of Montessori’s crusade on behalf of the poorest and least powerful in society is that its most visible legacy is selective private schools for the élite,” Jessica Winter writes. Read about why Maria Montessori’s approach still resonates today—and how it became so exclusive: http://nyer.cm/oByVEAs

A tantrum has been designed biologically to signal to the parent that the child is overwhelmed, and a need is not being met.

It releases a sea of stress hormones that are flooding our children's bodies & brains. Our job is not to react to this behaviour or punish it, but to ask "Why is my child having such a hard time?" We then can provide comfort and anchor our child until the storm has subsided. This does not mean giving in, it means being with.

It is so important that our kids know that even if they "fail" at something, that your love will never change. If they are disappointed because they didn't make it through an audition or a test that they tried hard to do well in, then make sure you shift the focus to the effort and the bravery that it took in the first place. They need to know that you see more than the end result and it is their character that matters.

More information on my blog

https://www.thetherapistparent.com/post/helping-children-grow-through-set-backs

Too often our expectations of children's behaviour is beyond what they are developmentally capable of. It is not their job to meet our expectations. It is our job to to learn about child development and meet them in their needs.

So often we as parents are frustrated by our child’s behaviour. The tantrums, wanting the same coloured cup, and generally being overly emotional can just be so infuriating. The problem is that all of these behaviours are exactly what our children should be doing for their development. When we understand the basics of child brain development and have some insight into why our children are behaving this way, it can make a huge difference in how we see our children. We no longer see our children as being “naughty” or trying to deliberately drive us crazy, but that they are doing the best with what they have. Also if we help them calm and work through what has upset them, then we are actually supporting positive brain development.

More information on my blog:

https://www.thetherapistparent.com/post/why-parents-need-to-understand-brain-development

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