12/21/2013
Today is the first anniversary of our new life together without Susan. I could speak of loss and sadness – both are close friends. But, it feels more appropriate to share God’s goodness. His blessings to our family have been many, and have come in large and small packages, in subtle and in obvious ways. We as a family are not only doing well, we are thriving together. This initially would seem impossible to me, as Susan was everything to all of us – it was she that made this family, and kept us all together. Without Susan covering the bases, how we were going to make life work was far beyond me.
Just before Susan left us, she woke from sedation long enough only to say goodbye and to give to me strength and comfort for what was ahead. Surprised to see her wake, I stood over her bed telling her that she was okay, “everything was just fine”. The possibility of death was the furthest thing from my mind – she had only come down with the flu the day before, and was Christmas shopping the day before that. As she lay in the bed, she was trying to remove the tube from her throat so that she could speak to me – I softly held her hands, and told her, ‘no’. With her deep blue eyes and gentle face, she made certain that she had my attention, and then communicated to me, ‘no – she was not okay’. In that moment, she knew what her outcome was – in fact, with her last spoken words to me when I delivered her to the emergency room just a few hours earlier, she acknowledged her death. In my response to her, understanding only that she was sick and felt bad, I told her, “hush honey, we’re not dying today” – it was impossible for me to go there, as it was all happening way too fast.
It was a miracle and a gift that she would wake for this last moment together. She had a peace and a confidence on her face that was not typical of Susan’s normal expression of concern when separated from her babies. I didn’t comprehend any of this in the moment, but would soon come to know that she had already been with Jesus and was conveying to me the knowledge she was given - everything was already taken care of – I need not worry. Still not recognizing what was really going on, I imagined that she would be thinking of her children and asked if she wanted me to go home to check on them. She shook her head, ‘yes’, and went back to sleep - I didn’t realize she was turning them over to me for good. I ran home with the intent of quickly returning - we live only 10 minutes from the hospital. As soon as I got home, I received the call – her heart had stopped, but they had revived her. I immediately returned, but couldn’t make it back in time before her heart stopped again – I wouldn’t get another moment with her.
I am forever thankful, and will never forget the look of confidence on Susan’s face when she left me. It will always serve to strengthen my faith and give me endurance for all that is still ahead. With a nursing infant, two in diapers, and 7 in total, all homeschooled, what choice was there now but to trust in God’s provision? I had no idea what to do with the situation.
To simplify the summarization of this past year – God has been very good to us. In the initial days, the church stood forward and provided for all of our critical needs. They helped to wean the baby. They pulled Christmas together for us. They fed us. They provided child care. They came early in the morning to help feed the children and get the day started. They did everything they could think of to help keep the home operational – too much to enumerate. Friends stepped in to keep the homeschool going. My employer gave me time and room to straighten out my life. We were showered in prayer by both the church and the homeschool community. God’s provision through His people was overwhelming.
At the 6 week mark, Jennifer arrived. Jennifer didn’t know us. We didn’t know Jennifer. Today Jennifer is a close and trusted family friend. She has won the hearts of the children through her tireless care for the family. She provides for them day and night. She even provides for their homeschooling. Qualifications? Jennifer looks great on paper – she has a Master’s degree in School Psychology, and years of real-life experience working with children in many different capacities. But, where she stands out best is when she is in action – Jennifer can’t really be described with words, and can only be understood within a context that is not of this world. We are incredibly thankful for Jennifer – I am convinced that Jennifer is a reason that Susan had the confidence she did when she left. Her husband Jorge is also quite remarkable, in that he supports her in all that she has done for our family.
It is awkward to receive comments on how well the children are doing given the situation – as though the current conditions are preferable. I see the children’s response as a reflection of Susan’s character in them – take what God gives you, and make it work. I also see it as God giving each of the children the strength to step up into their situation, and rise to the occasion. All of them are remarkable – Susan did her job well.
Brendon (18) is a natural born leader, and has been instrumental in making the home function. He now has a job at my same place of employment as a software developer. He continues to play in the praise band at church. He will be off to the University of Houston next year. We are going to miss him greatly.
Cameron (17) has spent more time than all of us caring for the baby and looking after his younger siblings – remarkable! He continues with his flute and wins first and second chair wherever he goes. He will be playing at Carnegie Hall with an elite group of musicians in February. Thank you for the community support that is sending him.
Ariana (14) has an inner character that mirrors her mother’s so beautifully. With her selfless, loving, and caring spirit, Ariana has provided much needed nurture and love for the younger children. She has been key to our family unity.
Ethan (10) has grown up tremendously. With his older brothers both leaving soon, he is stepping into a biggest brother role.
Daniella (7) has undergone the largest transformation of all the children since her mother’s death. She was the one child I was initially worried the most about. Not anymore – she has somehow overcome her previous obstacles. I consider it a miracle.
Fulton (4) – typical 4 year old However, he too has undergone large growth in temperament – again, another mark of God’s hand on our home.
Geneva (1) – She has shown herself to be the most colorful character of the bunch. Just before Susan died, we discovered that Geneva had a severe curvature in her spine. We have found a wonderful doctor who has been working with us. Through repeated treatment, he has corrected her spine from an initial 86 degrees to 45 degrees. There is more work to do, but the progress is significant. I don’t post pictures, as they are dramatic.
I can be nothing but thankful for all that Susan gave to us, and for all that she has left me with. Thank you Susan for your life’s work and dedication. With God’s continued grace and provision, we will carry on and finish what you started.
