Sivad Sinned

I am doing better than I was last year financially but mentally I just don't know. Kind had a break thru the case of my problems and realized all these years later I have abandonment issues. My family wasn't really there for me and I had to fend for myself a lot of the time. So much so that I don't even know how to ask for help out of fear of being a nuisance to people. Maybe that is why I was such a people pleaser didn't want to get left again and drop whatever to go see family so I can have what I see on tv. But in reality I am just the guy that know how to fix s**t, give a ride or borrow money from. Tired of feeling like this, sometimes I day dream of just leaving without a trace. All I know now is I am done with it rather be hated by people and be alone than to be used and tossed away. The anger I have been feeling lately I can't even describe it like I always have this surge of energy no matter how much I am working out it won't go away.

I try talking about how I feel not good at it because I don't do it often when I come out my shelf and try feel like people don't want to listen maybe I need to disappear for a while. Things with the family is starting to feel overwhelming. And past decisions are on constant repeat in my head and don't know how to get them out. Overall I am making progress just feel like I didn't make the mistakes in the past where would I be now. Only thing that helps me right now is working out or getting something accomplished and the very small circle of friends. I am not use to feeling like this in a long time just nonchalant and indifferent

Feeling down today. Just been thinking about the things I want to accomplish but keep having set backs it is frustrating tired of working this job want to be away from it already. Everyday seems like I am running into people that is just fu***ng rude and trying my patience I don't like don't like to yell I don't like drama so it makes me seem weak because I am trying to avoid it all the time maybe that why people test me. Idk maybe I know I can do better than this job and it is eating away at me that it took this long to try. Like right now I can't really describe my feelings just on some indifferent vibes today and I am only 2 hours in on a 11 hour shift asking any of the gods to give me strength today because I feeling I not going to be able to keep this job for too much longer the way things are going. Smh I barely talk about my emotions that I don't even know how to explain how I am feeling right now. Just writing it down here maybe getting things out can clear my head so I can get some kind of clarity.

Man feels like I am always running around helping people lately don't get to have much fun like I use to le sigh

239lbs yeah yeah lost 4 lbs in two days been on a vegan diet. Only downside to it is I use the restroom a lot probably where those 4lbs went, I was literally full of s**t

So it is Sunday and went for my weigh in I am at 243.8lbs so lost 5lbs in a week didn't really do much besides eating smaller portions. Today was cardio day I guess you can call it that went skating for about one hour maybe hour and half.

Today is 8-27-2020 starting weight is 248.8lbs going to try my best to upload progression photo every Sunday to show what kind of changes an average guy can make. Goals is to go to the gym at least 3-4 days a week for the next 12 weeks starting officially Saturday 8-29-2020.