07/18/2022
Sometimes the words come to you that bind up an unseen burden and at least make it easier to bear. That may take years or decades to happen, if ever. Even if the weight of that truth is so seemingly overwhelming, it is hard to accept, there is hope in knowing the name of the enemy. What you can articulate, you can overcome. You can fight it or flee from it, now that you own it’s name. You are no longer frozen in its shadow, racking your brain to make out its form and size and speed and proximity. You no longer grope in the darkness to gain a foothold or reference point, teeth clinched, shoulders tight in the constant fear of when it may blindside you again. ADHD is what’s wrong with you. You own it now. It is your responsibility to slay this dragon of chaos. You would never allow it as an excuse. You also will not let it define who you are in any way. You are relieved to finally know what it is.
All you knew before now was, it would blindside you. Predictably unpredictable, your best efforts to move forward in this world seemed marked by setbacks from an undefined enemy. Worse, maybe you saw it coming but inexplicably you were unable to do what you knew to avoid the danger. Then, as if failure to perform as expected wasn’t painful enough, there is shame, or guilt or rejection for letting others down. Even if you work twice as hard as those around you, and give yourself no escape in excuses, even if those around you cannot see your failures because your extraordinary, obsessive work ethic camouflages the error, there is no escaping your most devastating critic, YOU. Every time you look in the mirror, you feel the pain.
That same face that is your worst critic also holds an enigmatic secret: there is more to the difference in you than the potentially fatal blind spots. Though by definition, Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder is bounded by how it fails us, there is evidence that it is associated with genes that helped our particular ancestors survive harsher conditions than those made to work in a cubicle. There is the ability to perform in clutch situations, the intuition, the reflexes that others have confirmed seeing in you. In addition, you have noticed the blind spots and failures seem to be in areas of tedium, or bureaucratic tasks. Your conscious brain knows not to procrastinate them, but your unconscious mind just scoffs. Maybe it is because, in spite of the self loathing of procrastinating again, you do those things last minute with unmatched proficiency. The things that you find challenging, especially if you aren’t expected to be able to do them, you find yourself “in the zone”, going about the task automatically, unconsciously moving through it with grace and elegance. Losing all track of time, you find yourself finishing this undoable task after midnight, with the joy of excellence that you feel all to rarely.
This is the double edged curse you were gifted with. Even with the possibility of ADHD being from survival genetics, they were for surviving different threats in prehistoric times. We must survive a new wilderness where being lost in thought could lose a life driving through a red light. If you really are the type person who will go the extra mile to avoid letting others down, not to mention yourself, get over the idea of not wanting to take a medication. Have big ears and big eyes to learn from those before you the modifications to daily life, proven to work. This is your ADHD. It is time to stop letting it own you. You own it. Call it what it is. How ever much pain it has caused, for however long, can now be transformed by insight to become a force to move forward in life toward the good work for which you were made.
ADHD is not flawed genetics. It is selective survival neurology designed to die from boredom, and thrive on challenge. Make that curse your gift.