Lucrezia Borgia's Finishing School for Unwed Mothers

05/28/2020

We are pleased to announce our summer semester distance course work will be available though correspondance with guest lecturer Candy Templeton direct to our students on VHS. For those of you who have not attended Candy’s lectures on hygiene in cross stitching or emergency medical preparedness with crochet we highly recommend her course on trimming without scissors or with dull scissors in the age of Covid top to bottom. Enrollment is limited. Details to follow.

03/12/2020

The health and well-being of our students is of the utmost importance, therefore it is with a heavy heart that we announce the temporary closure of Lucrezia Borgia's Finishing School for U***d Mothers. Partial tuition refunds and vouchers can be obtained through our online portal.

12/11/2019

Please join us this evening for a candlelight vigil commencing at 7pm eastern time at the Cynthia Nixon Pagoda to remember the life of W.S. Fiddler who on this day in 1913 died of an over ingestion of cheese. Gone but not forgotten, we will be serving brie pinwheels, cheddar buttons and mozzarella hula hoops. Due to the closure of the eastern entrance, it is requested that all attendees enter through the Brenmar Estuary Tunnel/ Colchester waste disposal causeway. A limited supply of muck boots will be provided on a first come first serve basis, but waste waders (not provided) are recommended to avoid inundation.

10/04/2018

Is education a waste of time? Perhaps for wed mothers but surely not for the u***d. I think we can all agree that needlepoint 101 and creative childrearing in the time of cholera now accepting midterm drop-in enrollment are not at all a waste of your precious time. Visit the online portal of the Claudia Fairbanks educational center for more information.

11/07/2017

Due to unforseen circumstances today's previously scheduled folk roots in urban and rural planning commemoration of the 132nd anniversary of the completion of Canada's transcontinental railway/Joni Mitchel music festival has been postponed. Vouchers can be obtained at the Patricia Nixon Pagoda near the entrance to the Harriet Beecher Stowe Botanical Gardens and Research Facility after 2pm Eastern Standard Time and before 3pm Eastern Standard Time. No vouchers shall be issued outside of the designated hours.

03/08/2017

Today we honor the many unfortunate women who have fallen upon our steps and in reverence we temporarily close the doors to the Donna Karington Sweatshop/gift kiosk. We stand in solidarity with our sisters in arms by offering free distressed silk needlepoint portraits of Camille Paglia for all visitors to our main campus until 4:30 Eastern Standard Time.

10/19/2013

We'd like to give a warm welcome to the newest member of our faculty, Myra Busybody, who will kick off our fall semester with a symposium on demonic possession and basket weaving at the gates of the Louisa May Wilkens cemetery (formerly the Clara Barton Needlepoint Gazebo).

03/01/2013

Small engines are an important tool in the lives of u***d mothers. Learn to maintain and repair your own small engines. Keeping that motor running is one of the keys to a happy home.

06/27/2012

06/27/2012

Every girl finds herself in a real pickle from time to time. As many of our alumni will tell you, giving too much affection can be the road that leads you to our doors. Though we love to mentor our wayward girls, we also hope to educate young women before they make decisions that might lead them to need our assistance.

Classic 1950s teen pregnancy/family planning film. Public Domain.