Finding Family Solutions

09/08/2026

If you are struggling with anxiety this article may help you understand it a bit more.

The moment your mind stops being a tool—and becomes a prison

09/05/2026

How to Choose The Right Therapist for Affair Repair

09/05/2026

Can A Marriage Survive An Affair? And What Actually Predicts Recovery?

09/02/2026

08/24/2026

If you’ve recently discovered an affair, choosing a therapist may be one of the most important decisions you make in the early stages of recovery.
And not every couples therapist is equipped to do this work.
One of the biggest mistakes I see is treating infidelity like any other relationship problem and immediately focusing on communication, marital dissatisfaction, or what each person contributed to the problems in the relationship.
There will be a time to talk about those things. But they did not cause the affair, and they should never be used to shift some of the responsibility for the betrayal onto the betrayed partner.
I also think it matters tremendously that the therapist understands what happens to people after this kind of discovery. The shock, the repetitive questions, the need to know what is true, the anger, the inability to think clearly, and sometimes not even knowing whether you want to stay in the relationship.
This is very specific work, and who you choose matters.
I put together a guide based on what I have learned from years of working with couples after infidelity, including what I think you should look for and the questions I would ask before choosing a therapist.
How to Choose the Right Therapist After an Affair

What to look for, what to ask, and why choosing the right therapist matters in affair recovery.

06/20/2026

https://phaggerty24.substack.com/p/why-is-change-so-hard-fe2

Part 2 of 2: Becoming the Author of a Different Story

06/09/2026

https://open.substack.com/pub/phaggerty24/p/to-the-husband-who-truly-wants-to?r=5i2kun&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web

A direct and compassionate roadmap for the man who truly wants to repair the damage after infidelity and find his way back with honesty, accountability, and integrity.

06/07/2026

Rumi: The Reed Flute The idea that human beings become larger through what they endure is not usually stated by Rumi in one exact sentence the way modern quotes sometimes imply. It is more the essence of his philosophy woven throughout hundreds of poems and teachings. Rumi repeatedly returns to the....

06/06/2026

Love this. Thank you Barbara.

Growth in a relationship isn't one size fits all. It depends a lot on where you started.
For securely attached people, growth tends to be subtle. You already believe conflict can be worked out and that mistakes are opportunities, so the work is mostly about staying open and responsive when things get tense.
For anxiously attached people, growth often means learning to be with your own hard feelings before reaching for your partner. When your deepest fear is abandonment, it makes sense that you'd want more control or get louder to feel heard. But the real shift happens when you can soothe yourself first and then advocate for your needs with calm honesty instead of protest.
For avoidantly attached people, growth often means letting yourself be seen even when you're not getting it perfectly right. When your deepest fear is being seen as a failure, it makes sense that you'd avoid hard topics or pull back when your partner gets emotional. But closeness grows when you stay in the conversation and treat your partner's feelings as something to understand, not defend against.
Here's what matters: none of this means anything is wrong with you. Each of these patterns started as a way to stay safe. Growth is just learning new ways to feel safe now, both inside yourself and with the person you love.
Which of these feels most like your own growth edge? I'd love to hear in the comments.

06/06/2026

If you are having problems in your marriage right now, has it ever occurred to you that your husband may actually be dealing with Covert Male Depression?

Historically, depression was long considered a female disorder. Even 50 or 60 years ago, depression was primarily associated with women and was rarely understood as something men experienced as well.

As a result, there is a long history of men being cut off from their emotions and failing to recognize depression in themselves until it has already impacted their health, work, or family life. Wives often miss it, and many therapists miss it too, because men themselves frequently do not recognize or report feeling depressed even when asked.

Psychologist and author Dr. Terry Real explores this in his book I Don’t Want to Talk About It, where he writes about what he refers to as Covert Male Depression. He explains how, starting very young, boys are culturally conditioned away from expressing their emotions. “Big boys don’t cry.” “Man up.” “Don’t be a sissy.” Messages like these have existed for generations. This is the message our culture tends to send to little boys starting around the age of two, effectively disconnecting and discouraging emotional development.

As a result, many men never learn how to identify or talk about their emotions, so instead they suppress them, push through, and eventually the depression begins showing up in unhealthy ways. It may show up as anger, withdrawal, irritability, shutting down, overworking, drinking, addictive behaviors, or even affairs.

Many men will never realize or admit they feel depressed, but that does not mean it is not impacting them and their families.

Upcoming full article June 6: “Uncovering Covert Male Depression”