10/01/2025
Long but very important read!
There is a growing pressure to push independence onto children at earlier and earlier ages. From infants left to “self-soothe,” to toddlers told to "calm down," to preschoolers expected to be “big kids” and handle separations without support, the same message repeats: self-sufficiency matters more than connection. Yet this expectation ignores what we know about child development and brain science.
Most adults struggle with emotional regulation even with a fully developed brain. The prefrontal cortex, which supports reasoning, planning, and self-control, does not fully mature until the mid-twenties. A toddler or preschooler does not have the neurological capacity to regulate themselves. What they do have is the innate drive to seek a caregiver’s calm presence. This process of co-regulation is not a weakness — it is the foundation of later self-regulation. Through repeated experiences of being soothed, children begin to internalize the ability to steady themselves.
Healthy independence emerges gradually and appropriately. In infancy, it may look like a baby turning away from stimulation, knowing comfort is close by. In toddlerhood, it looks like short bursts of trying things alone while returning for reassurance. In the preschool years, independence shows up as experimenting with problem-solving, making choices, and tolerating short separations — always with the anchor of a nearby adult. By school age, children extend this autonomy into longer stretches, but only because they have been given years of dependable co-regulation and secure attachment.
When we skip these stages and expect children to do what their brains cannot yet do, we do not create resilience. We create disconnection. Children may mask needs rather than express them, and this carries costs for emotional health, relationships, and resilience later in life. This matters because attachment research shows that only about 60–65% of infants are securely attached, leaving 35–40% in insecure categories (Ainsworth et al.; van IJzendoorn & Kroonenberg meta-analysis; NICHD Study of Early Child Care). Without secure attachment, children face higher risks of anxiety, depression, and chronic dysregulation.
Children and adults both deserve to feel joy in daily life, alongside challenges that are manageable and growth-building, not overwhelming. Development moves in sequence, not shortcuts. Co-dependence comes before independence. Co-regulation comes before self-regulation. When we honor that order, we set children up not only to cope, but to thrive.
