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"We tend to judge ourselves based on our intent, but others tend to evaluate us based on impact, the effect our behaviors have on them. There's often a difference, sometimes a huge difference between how we want to affect others and how we actually do affect them." John Ullmen, executive coach.

If we are aware of this, we can avoid some unintended conflict and pain.

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Putting the target in the crosshairs, yes, but…

I have been silent for the last few months, sitting back, observing and listening to the noise in the various means of communication. I started to notice a trend that is affecting most news, and issues right now.

A recent example of this is Liz Cheney, who got so fixated on “not allowing former president Trump get near the Whitehouse ever again” (paraphrased), that new information could not change the verdict she already established for herself. To be fair I am speaking from my perception and I do not claim to know what Mrs. Cheney was thinking. Similar situations have taken place in respect to Covid, gender identity, global warming, and other subjects. This is not a conservative vs liberal issue because it is happening on both sides. It always has the element of us and them.

The problem I started to see is fixation. This is when one gets so focused on something that no new information is allowed to deter one’s point of view and actions. In extreme cases new information is fabricated, manipulated, and shaped to supports one’s argument. This is when we enter dangerous territory putting not just ourselves but others in danger. Fixation is something that can happen in business, personal life, and basically every area of our lives. Allow me to differentiate fixation from conviction. Conviction is a set of believes, based on one’s values established through reason. Fixation is an obsession that does not listen to reason.

Aiming for the target is a good practice. We are told to pursue our goals with tenacity. I agree, but we need to maintain spatial awareness -evaluating new information, facts and changes happening in the periphery- so that we can change our approach or at times the target/goal.

Is there something you are fixated upon? Is that fixation making it impossible to make adjustments according to new facts, data and information received? What adjustments do you need to do?

Maintain your crosshairs on the target, evaluate the information coming in, and adjust.

This last week I had the privilege to do the Dream Out Loud workshop with the juniors and seniors at Christian Heritage School. My gratitude to Principal Schapansky for giving me this opportunity. What an incredible learning experience this has been for me, as I usually work with older individuals. I was not sure what impact the workshop would have. I was humbled by the students responses. Here are some of their comments:

“I have pretty big dreams, and my goals can be overwhelming, but Dream Out Loud enabled me to process them through a lens of not just passion but also purpose.” Senior student A.N.

“I have come to realize that it is okay to dream. In fact, it is exciting.” Junior student V.A.

“You made it very clear how we can chase our dream - one step at the time - which was very helpful because it is easy to be overwhelmed by everything I need to do.” Junior Student E.D.

We all have dreams and being young does not, should not stop you from pursuing them. Grow yourself to have what it takes to reach your dreams.

Had fun with the Dream Out Loud workshop with a great group of young people in the Cayman Islands. I am always amazed of the potential of individuals. Thanks to Amy Mobley for making it happen.

Looking down the road

My wife and I have a tradition of taking some time at the end of a year or the beginning of a new year to think and pray about what the theme for our personal lives and our family life are for that year. As we spend a few days away from the buzzle of everything, I got the word prepare from a passage in the Bible I was reading. I did not like that word. Prepare for what? All the stuff I have listened to on the online channels I tend to listen to? The things the media is saying? The prognostications that friends were making on social media. I found myself quite frustrated with that word.

In my reading of Rabbi Lapin, one thing struck me in the strategy of preparation even though that was not the subject Rabbi Lapin was addressing. He mentions how in Jewish culture families think about the generational impact of decisions and plans, and not just about the immediate reward. It is always the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, that is three generations. In light of the thought of preparing, I had to ask myself if I was thinking only about the immediate, or was I thinking down the generations about my children’s children. In my reflection I realized that many decisions that we see taken in political, business and personal aspects are only addressing the immediate and not the long-term. Policies, laws, agreements all for gaining political, business or personal gain now. If that is the culture of the day, don’t think that you and I are exempt from it. It takes conscious effort to not go with the flow. It has taken a bit of rethinking for me to start changing my own perspective and learning to keep the immediate preparation in sight while looking down the path. In life and business, we need both preparation for the things immediately in front of us, yet keeping in sight the impact generations down the road. Neglecting or choosing one over the other, could be the end of your legacy.

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to learn this new preparation skill:
- What do I want, really want long term?
- What do I want/need now?
- How would getting what I want now affect what I want long-term? How far down the generations will the consequences reach?
- Am I willing to give up my legacy?

You should be afraid of taking risks and pursuing something meaningful but you should be more afraid of staying where you are if it is making you miserable. -Jordan Peterson

Re-evaluating

The last few weeks have been filled with emotion with the passing of a loved one, my father-in-Law. We had lunch with him on Sunday and on Monday he was in the hospital. All went so fast. It has been a time to appreciate the life I have and for me to evaluate what my priorities are. Things can change very fast. It is sad that this had to happen because of the passing of someone we care for, it should actually be a scheduled practice.

As a coach, one of the practices I learned is self-coaching, a time where I can ask myself questions that I would normally ask a client in a similar situation.

Is what I am doing aligned with my personal values and beliefs? There is nothing more tragic than to do something just for the money, position, or power. If I am living my values and beliefs, others will be able to perceive them, without me having to tell them. These are the building blocks of our purpose.

Am I living out my purpose? I can only do that if the perception of myself is accurate and I understand my purpose. This requires that I understand my strengths, talents and what I bring to the table in any situation, but also recognize what my weak spots are. Know yourself to live your purpose.

Am I leveraging my strength? It is easy to focus on strengthening your weaknesses. This is very time consuming and frustrating with little reward, and many times depressing. I spend time shaping my strengths, and making sure that I am growing in utilizing them and living them out. This requires an active personal growth plan. Do you have one?

Do I have a dream for the present and future that give expression to my strengths, values, believes and purpose? My dream should not just envision a better tomorrow, but should be realistic where I am today, because the journey to make dreams a reality starts from where you are today.

Are you re-evaluating your life, business plan, or dreams? Don’t do it alone. Don’t wait till you have the time, for that moment might never come. My friend Brad Dorethy says: “Cemeteries are mostly the resting place of unfulfilled dreams.”

Help others see

The young teenager stood once more in front of his leader and took in the praise of the words, “you have great potential”. It was not the first time he had heard that, and it would not be the last. As he grew older, he would hear that observation here and there, but with time his cynicism grew. When people would say that about him, it did not feel as good as before. He would walk away thinking to himself: “what do they see that I cannot see?” Potential for what?

It was not till many years later that the young man discovered through his own experience, failures, and a wounded soul, that he was created in the image of God, and his potential was limited and hidden only because of his own thoughts and perception.

Maybe you have heard similar things said about you. I have heard things said like: “you are not ready” or you “you do need to grow some more”. Though well intended, those things are not very helpful for the person you are saying that to.

As parents first of all, and as leaders it is our responsibility to help our children and those we lead to see their potential, or area of growth that will move them to fulfill their calling. How are we to do that?

First and foremost, do not flatter. Be honest about the potential you see. Or the area of growth they need to work on to move in the direction of that potential. Be specific on what areas you sense they need to grow. With our own children, we can do that without telling them, but by delegating things to them that will make them aware of their current limitation and need for help. Allow people to fail, but then evaluate the experience with them.

Second, develop a plan with them for growth that includes kind accountability, and walk through the process with them. Don’t just give them a plan, let them think about what they need.

Third, give them opportunities to live out and practice what they have been learning. Show them how, do it with them, watch them do it, entrust them more if they succeed. If they fail, start the process again. Don’t give up on them.

Last, remember that we cannot change what we are not aware off. Just because you tell someone something about themselves, does not mean they have become aware of that. Awareness comes through divine revelation or through the process of coaching as a conversation of curiosity takes place.