01/17/2024
When our children have the opportunity to get together for special occasions, I often find myself as a mother listening to them tell stories about their childhood experiences. As they go down memory lane, sometimes we all laugh about funny things that have happened over the years or talk about accidents and injuries from which they have recovered. On occasion I hear them also discuss Brian’s and my parenting style and how it impacted them as children. For the most part, their discussions have always been favorable regarding how we raised them in our home. Sometimes, however, I begin to wonder if I could have done better as a mother when I hear our children’s perspective now that they are grown adults.
Such was the case this Christmas. I joined three of our daughers and a daughter-in-law in our music room where we casually discussed an array of various topics. Eventually the conversation shifted to sharing childhood memories. Usually I enjoy listening to their stories, but this time I felt a bit of a sting. In that moment, my maternal self struggled with feelings of inadequacy and raw vulnerability. Perhaps it was the menopause, I wondered to myself. This stage of my life has undoubtedly made me more sensitive in certain situations. Perhaps what I was hearing stung because there was a place within me that worried my weaknesses as a mother may have created wounds in my children…wounds that I labored to recover from myself as a child. If my children were wounded, then I had failed despite all of my efforts to keep them safe from emotional and physical harm.
One story especially stung. Elizabeth had been in 5th or 6th grade and remembers classmates on occasion being picked up by a parent to take them out for a special lunch. Elizabeth was excited one day to receive a notice that I was coming to pick her up at lunchtime too. Disappointment, however, soon set in when she discovered that I was picking her up to bring her home to finish the chores that should have been done before leaving for school that day.
Our oldest daughter had a few similar stories to share as well.
As I sat in the music room listening to Rachel and Elizabeth reflect on those days and even laugh about them, I wondered if I had been too stiff and strict as a mother. I wondered if we had played together enough. Brian was typically the good cop in the family, so to speak. He was playful when he was home with the children and, among other things, taught them valuable skills to succeed in sports. I focused on healthy eating, exposing the children to the arts and good literature, helping with homework, and teaching confidence and proper communication skills. I could be playful as well, but I was also usually the disciplinarian. Raising responsible, respectful children was important to me as a parent.
After nearly everyone had returned to their homes for the holiday, I spent some extra time with our youngest daughter Lilly and asked her if she thought I had been too strict as a mother. Did I have too high of expectations? Was my parenting approach rational and reasonable?
What I love about Lilly is her ability to see situations clearly and concisely. And she is wise beyond her 21 years. Without hesitation, Lilly unequivocally stated, “Mom, you were raising 7 children. You needed to hold us accountable. Own it!”
I immediately felt empowered by her statement and whatever questions or concerns I had quickly shifted to thoughts like, “You bet I had to hold my children accountable! Raising 7 children is not for the weak and weary. And this world needs children who grow up to be responsible, respectful adults. If my children have been wounded, they will recover just like I did. This world is tough and so are they!”
Needless to say, I was reminded that the right words at the right time can create a drastic shift in our reality. Lilly’s words were exactly what I needed to hear. This post is for anyone reading who is needing a reality check of their own. Being a good parent is hard work. We make mistakes. But wounds can heal. God expects us to listen, learn, and keep growing. He needs us to keep going! Furthermore, our children were not put on this earth to make us look good as parents. Sometimes their choices are in fact going to make us look terrible. They don’t need the burden of worrying about how their lives reflect on us. They have enough burdens of their own. And they don’t need parents who act small and defeated. We need to own our sincere efforts and successes as well as our mistakes…and there will be plenty of them. Repent of them and move on. Most importantly, our responsibility is to teach to the best of our ability and direct them to a loving Father in Heaven who wants them and us back home with Him where we belong.
My parenting wasn’t perfect, nor is my family. But each of our children have turned out to be sincerely good, productive people who are now raising fine families of their own. Whatever failings you and I may have as parents, know that the Lord can make up the difference if we put our trust and unfailing faith in Him…
