06/21/2021
Thoughts on rolling with a “mismatched” training partner.
As we train, we each come with our own set of motivations as well as personal desires and insecurities and sub-conscious “issues.” This creates the possibility for all sorts of trouble.
As we teach here at our school, the first two character traits to develop are respect and control. Especially relevant here is respect for our training partners, and self-control. Beyond that, we should consider our training partners as brothers and sisters. We should intentionally treat others as we wish to be treated. We must remember that we are all here to help each other learn important things and to have fun and be safe while doing it. This is very important, because as we train, we are allowing ourselves to be put in physically vulnerable positions. This requires a certain amount of trust that can only develop in an atmosphere of respect and care for one another.
In this document I will address some of the common challenges that arise.
Size/Strength
The first is the fantasy that is perpetuated in the media (and by some schools) that there are some secret techniques that will overcome any advantage that another person may have, be it size, speed, or strength. The only thing close to that is a superior weapon, and even then we need training.
In reality size and strength matter a lot. That is actually why we train, because we all know that. But when we come to train we often think that somehow a 98 pound blue belt is supposed to be able to beat a 250 pound powerlifter who just started training. It has been observed in Brazilian Jujitsu that a 20-pound weight advantage is roughly equivalent to a belt rank. In other words, if there is a 100 pound weight difference, the lighter person would have to be five belt ranks higher to be considered even.
What does this mean for training? If you are heaver and or stronger than your training partner, focus more on technique and relaxation, and use your weight and strength less. That will allow your partner a chance to learn, and you will also benefit. If all you do is smash them then neither you nor your training partner will learn much.
Age/Conditioning
Of course, age and conditioning are not synonymous, but there often is a correlation. Just as with size, there is generally an advantage to the person who is closer to the natural peak of physical development (about age 25). After that, every 10 years may be considered equivalent to a belt rank handicap. Learn to adjust your intensity so that you and your partner are both getting a good workout.
Gender
The techniques and training methodologies that we use require very close, personal, bodily contact. There are a whole bunch of ways this can potentially cause problems related to gender and s*xuality. I will address just a few of the more common or obvious here.
There is a scripture that says we should “treat the older women as mothers and the younger as sisters.” If we extrapolate that to both genders and put it in practice it should prevent most of the problems.
Trauma history - A history of trauma, either through physical or s*xual abuse may make it difficult for someone to tolerate close physical contact with others, especially when being restrained or held down. Please be sensitive to this possibility and if your training partner seems stressed out or mentally or emotionally checked out, stop, and check on them to make sure they are ok. If they need a break or cannot continue for whatever reason, be understanding and allow them space to deal with their own challenges in their own way.
If you are a survivor of trauma, be honest with yourself about how that might affect your training. Discuss it with the instructor, and possibly with your training partners. Learning self-defense techniques may be part of your healing, but it may also activate a trauma response in your mind and body. Consider how you can have both compassion for yourself, and also nudge yourself in the direction of tolerating discomfort and personal healing and growth.
Attraction – Physical attraction happens. A recent study revealed that 87% of psychologist admit to being s*xually attracted to a client. If you are attracted to a training partner you don’t have to do anything about it. Simply notice it, then let it go and focus on training. If your feeling of attraction is so strong that it interferes with your ability to focus on training, or if you feel you may lose self-control and act on it in some way, you should probably avoid rolling with that person (or gender).
On the other hand, if you feel you are on the receiving end of the attraction, and it bothers you in some way you may want to avoid training with that person and should consider discussing it with the instructor.
Incidental contact – Given the nature of our training, incidental contact with s*xual body parts (buttocks, ge****ls, female breasts) is inevitable. Especially when rolling with an opposite s*x training partner some care should be given to avoid unnecessary contact of this type. If you feel that your training partner is purposely touching you in this way, please immediately bring it to the attention of the instructor so that it can be addressed.
Conclusion
Thank you for taking time to consider these important issues and for being mindful of these things when training. Thank you each for your time and effort and personal dedication to make training realistic, safe, and fun for all of us. And remember, have respect for others and control over yourself, and you’ll be welcome to train almost anywhere.
