04/01/2026
🚨 BREAKING NEWS 🚨
Last year, we introduced the world to the infamous Dragon’s Maw… and we told you it was totally safe.
We were wrong.
After months of “controlled feeding trials” in our greenhouse, the plants have… evolved. Rapidly.
This morning, our grower made routine rounds.
He did not make it back.
Witnesses report multiple human-sized Venus flytraps emerging directly from between the beds, exhibiting pack-hunting behavior and an alarming preference for employees.
We are now dealing with what scientists are calling:
“Stage 2 Carnivorous Escalation.”
These specimens feature:
• Reinforced trap structure capable of full human capture
• Accelerated closing speed (under 0.3 seconds)
• Increased aggression when hungry (which is always)
We attempted to shut down the greenhouse…
…but they’ve started spreading.
Available now (while we still can):
“Dragon’s Maw: Apex Variant”
💰 $7,999,999.99
⚠️ Slightly less safe than last year
Act fast. Or don’t.
At this point, it may not matter.
If you see movement in your plant bed… run.
