Colorado Experiences, LLC

Movement helps with learning....

So important....

Truth matters....

https://www.kelly-mahler.com/product/aota-on-demand-course-autistic-burnout/?fbclid=IwY2xjawOnqWtleHRuA2FlbQIxMABicmlkETFXaEdPWTRMbFJjTFpRS2Zic3J0YwZhcHBfaWQQMjIyMDM5MTc4ODIwMDg5MgABHrDjMAkPxoDWVuUka4fdr1dOUzhxcjvy9zwd3Y7SiAi6RWd9XJL8bCBUq8vh_aem_X9rVZMEZRoy5ia12VTrVmA
So much incredible, beneficial knowledge to support autistics!

On-Demand Course: Autistic Burnout – Understand it, Support It, Prevent It - Kelly Mahler 6 hours of content! "Autistic burnout isn’t just stress—it’s our bodies and brains shutting down from long-term survival mode." Autistic burnout i ...

Why Do Autistic People Find it Hard to Ask for Help?

A really common experience among Autistics across the lifespan is difficulty in asking for help. It can manifest in many ways:

• The small child may sit alone in their pyjamas while their clothing is laid out in front of them. They don’t remember how to put it on, and they don’t ask for help.

• The Grade 4 pupil is struggling with long division, but when the teacher passes her desk and asks, do you have any questions, the child says, “No.”

• The high school student has a major essay, his final project for the course. He cannot decide on a topic and the final product is due in one week. He hasn’t had a conversation with his teacher or his parents.

• The post-secondary student has documentation of long-term memory challenges and slow processing speed. They refuse to accept any accommodations from the disability office: “I don’t need any help,” they tell parents, even though they are failing all their classes.

• An Autistic parent is so frustrated with school staff gaslighting her regarding support for her child. Every time she attends a meeting, she cries in frustration on the way home and feels defeated. She has been advised to take an advocate or another support person with her to meetings, but cannot bring herself to ask anyone for help.

• An Autistic man is struggling in his workplace. Management keeps changing protocols and templates, and he is having difficulty keeping up with the pace of change. He cannot bring himself to speak with HR to ask for help.

• I hear over and over from Autistic people that they feel too much pride, or feel like too much of a burden to ask for help. It is not an easy task to push these feelings aside and seek help, but it is worth the effort. It can solve a longstanding problem that has the potential to make your life easier.

Why is it so common that we struggle with reaching out for help when we are Autistic? Let me share some ideas that might help you to better understand yourself, your children, or the Autistic people you love or support:

• Autistic thinking can be very black or white. Things are good or bad, right or wrong. To be right is good, and wrong is bad. To ‘know’ means you’re smart, and to ‘not know’ means you’re not smart. It takes time and a concerted effort for Autistic people to learn there are shades of grey—that efforts and knowledge can be ‘good enough’. Asking for help can make people feel others will judge them as not being very bright.

• The majority of Autistic people struggle with social interactions, the way we experience the sensory world and physical world—and that often includes difficulty with large and/or fine motor skills and muscle tone—and we may learn in ways that are different from typical people. As a result, we are corrected and reprimanded from a very young age in every area of functioning.

As children, we struggle to get dressed independently and are rushed along and criticized. A child may fear daily living skills like baths, showers, hair washing and toothbrushing due to sensory sensitivities. Maybe their overtures to make friends may be unsuccessful because they don’t understand how to slip into a friend group; rather, they march right in and adopt a leadership role.

This can result in repeated failed attempts to make friends as they are rejected by peers. They may be reprimanded by adults for not showing enough respect when they didn’t actually know that a pecking order exists based on age or position.

For many reasons, we are very accustomed to being told we are wrong, and that we need to do things differently. This can lead to sensitivity when it comes to asking for help. Is this admitting that we don’t know how to do something? Does it remind us of the powerlessness we felt as kids being badgered by adults and peers in so many settings?

• In order to have an Autistic identity our social communication skills are different than those of non-Autistics. This can mean we find interacting with others anxiety-provoking, confusing, and frustrating because we are so often called rude, aggressive, lacking insight, lacking in empathy, or lacking in understanding. The non-Autistic majority sets the tone for these editorial statements and the reprimands that come with them.

• For speaking Autistics, communication challenges can mean we literally are unable to ask for help when we need it. Our anxiety around seeking this support can mean we are unable to ask for help—we simply cannot produce verbal language in those moments where we could seek help.

Some of us have situational mutism (not selective mutism, because we do not choose for this to happen to us!) and cannot ask for help from people in authority, people who have caused us social injuries in the past, people we feel will judge us negatively, or people who have bullied us.

• Another reason we may not ask for help is that we may not know what we don’t know. Part of the autism experience is interpreting language literally. We may misunderstand instructions and complete a chore or project in a way that does not meet the expectations of the job.

We may be so confident going into the work and very pleased with the outcome, then shocked and panicked when we are told we need to do it again.

When this sort of experience happens repeatedly, an Autistic person can become averse to starting any new projects. They may lack confidence in their ability to understand the assignment, and find themselves unable to ask for clarification before starting.

Are there ways to encourage Autistic people to ask for help? Sure! Here are a few ideas:

• Parents—live your life out loud. Let your Autistic children hear you make mistakes, and hear you ask for help.

“Oh dear. I don’t know how to do this task on the computer for my work. I am going to have to ask for help. I know! I’ll send an email to my boss and ask her. Everyone needs help sometimes.”

or,

“Your teacher asked parents to send in a snack for your holiday party. I wonder if I have to be aware of any allergies in the class. I know! I’ll come and ask her when I drop you off this morning.”

Model that it is natural to ask questions. Model when you are struggling to do something and need to ask for help. Make this a natural part of the parenting practices in your home.

• Change the way you support your Autistic students with homework. Stay involved and be aware of what projects they have, then check in for comprehension.

Don’t do this by asking if they know what to do, but by engaging in a conversation that will tell you if they are on the right track.

If they’ve clearly got it wrong, don’t say that. Tell them, “I see why you’d think that. The language is unclear. It’s smart to ask your teacher or me for clarification.”

Remember that your kids will think they’ve got it all under control—they will think they understand what to do—but may be misinterpreting the intent of an assignment. Get in there and be aware of the assignment and help to explain it.

• For adults struggling to ask for help, whether it is with a specific task or the responsibilities of running a household, you are better with helping your family when your own needs are taken care of.

Ask your parents or best friend to help with cleaning or to give childcare so you can enjoy a date night with your partner.

Ask your HR for accommodations when you need them: most supports are easy to provide and surprisingly inexpensive.

If it is difficult to ask in person, write an email. If the email prompts a request for a meeting, ask if you can bring someone to support you as you sometimes experience situational mutism if that is your experience.

There are likely many more reasons we really struggle to ask for help, and many more tips to make it easier to do. If you have some reasons you can share with us, please write them in the comments.

It’ll help other people to feel less alone in navigating the Autistic culture while dominated by non-Autistic expectations.

Lessons From My Journey: I have always been impressed, in awe, of the women/mothers of children with disabilities. We have learned how the disability systems work, how they function, when they are supportive of our children and when they fail our children. We learn the legal language of the state agencies who have been given authority to make decisions about our children's lives. And we never falter, we never stop meeting with their staff, and pursuing what our children need to live decent lives in their communities. Women/mothers are amazing and I am so glad and proud to know so many outstanding women who love their children dearly and never stop fighting for their rights.

The Illusion of “Play-Based ABA”: The Gentle Mask of Control One of the newest rebrands of Applied Behavior Analysis is “play-based ABA.” At first glance, it looks comforting to parents and teachers who may have heard critiques of traditional ABA. Instead of a child sitting at a table with flashcards, they’re on the floor with toys, building towers, pre...