Unscripted Relationships

Sometimes, when you feel jealousy, you are ACCURATELY perceiving a threat!
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When a new partner enters, and you feel jealous because your partner is spending time with them - you might be accurately assessing that the new partner is a threat to the time you have with your mutual loved one.
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Accurately interpreting a threat does not entitle you to anything - and that’s where the jealousy work comes in. Culturally, we receive the message that jealousy is bad and that we deserve a behavior change when we feel it - either our partner should accommodate us so we stop feeling the threat, or there is something wrong with us we need to change. What if, instead, we validated our emotional response and gave gratitude for the indication of a threat.
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Jealousy can be one form of help we receive to understand our wants and needs and communicate them better. Or it might teach us to self soothe and appreciate autonomy. Have you had any insights you’ve learned about yourself through jealousy?
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Do you prioritize learning about yourself?
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When we take the time to learn about ourselves - our desires, our passions, our quirks - we begin to understand that we are the source of our own joy and light (as well as irritation and darkness😅). The process of self-knowing can be magical because it helps us to stop looking toward relationships, jobs, or money to feel the things we do desperately want to feel.
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Instead, we learn that our feelings of desire are within us. We can create and cultivate those feelings.
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If you’re new to this, start small. Take time to be curious about things you know you already like, and spend time in those sensations. Then, you can advance to new things, like “How do I learn best” and pursue them.
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Note: we are never static, and you can always learn something new about yourself. It can be especially fun when you learn your preferences change!
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Do you have an image in your brain of what ideal polyamory looks like?
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Maybe you do, but you’re not aware of it yet. Or maybe you know that you think you absolutely have to feel compersion to be truly polyamorous (spoiler...this is not true).
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Years ago, I was told that I was actually monogamous because I struggled with feelings of jealousy. I thank my stubborn soul that I called bu****it because MANY people struggle with polyamory just as much as they want it.
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So take your time. Be introspective. Learn about yourself and tell others what you learn. Be effing compassionate - your way also is not the best way.
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Emotional discomfort is something you can expect in human relationships.
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Do you know your threshold for emotional discomfort? Many of us run away from it immediately or stay in it for far longer than we should for our own well-being.
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In order to discover our threshold, we often have to experiment, which means that we might make mistakes. Understanding that these are a part of the reality of relating can bring a sense of peace in the process because you’re just being human.
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Open Relationship Basics
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The syllabus will be sent this afternoon. If you want my favorite free resources on this topic, sign up for my newsletter by clicking the link in my bio.
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Before you develop *new* skills for being in an open relationship, have you done the work to look at how your *historical* understandings influence your relationship(s)?
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We need to ACTIVELY unlearn compulsory monogamy as well as learn new communication tools. There are NO SHORTCUTS to having healthy, thriving open relationships.
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Here’s an example: a married couple decides to open their relationship. First, they should examine their values and beliefs around monogamy, and understand that opening up their relationship will push on these values and beliefs (oh heyyyy growth). It’s uncomfortable to let go of some of the securities of monogamy (real or jus perceived securities) and pursue an open relationship. If you don’t do this step, you risk inviting others into your compulsory monogamy trauma and hurting everyone.
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As mentioned above, start by reflecting on your values, your beliefs, and the things you absolutely do not want to let go of that makes your monogamous relationship special. And then work to deconstruct those things by asking yourself if they are real, how might they be different in open relationships, and be willing to let go of the special. Does this suck? YEP. Is it worth it to do the work before you start breaking hearts? ABSOLUTELY.
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Open relationships cannot thrive well under the reign of compulsory monogamy. Do your work.
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NRE is not a universally positive experience!
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Falling in love or having s*x with someone for the first time is generally acknowledged with excitement and positive thrill. However, for some people, it feels like an anxious hell.
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And often the people who do not feel ultra excited about NRE receive the message that something is wrong with them. That only adds to the suckiness of it.
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I’m here to tell you that if you don’t get all excited for NRE, you’re in good company. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you interpret the sensations in your body. And your feelings are valid AF.
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Do you have a satisfying s*xual relationship with yourself?
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If you’re not sure how you would answer that question, consider this one: How does NOT having a s*xual partner make you feel?
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It is common to pursue relationships ongoingly to always insure that you have some kind of s*xual activity. While this is fine in and of itself, it might be useful to think about why.
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How does the underlying discomfort of not having access to s*xual activity drive your actions? What would happen if you DID have a relationship with s*x where you felt satisfied by yourself, and partners just added icing to your already delicious cake?
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Food for thought. (Ohhhh food metaphor puns😂).
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Today’s been a rough day - seemingly for everyone. If it’s been rough for you, I hope you’re taking care of yourself and hydrating.
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I am taking care of myself by looking at old pictures and videos that make me happy. This one is from 3 or 4 years ago, when Leah came to Denver for a visit. We decided to try Bloody Mary shots with oysters...and they were rough in a different way.😂
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Leah is a person of incredible importance in my life, and I am grateful for her everyday. She is the funniest woman I’ve ever met, she’s honest and whip smart and I just feel so lucky to be someone she yells WELL CHECK at when I need it. I love her so much!
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I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: one of the things I am most grateful for about my experience in open relationships is the deconstruction of the relationship type hierarchy. My commitments and loved ones aren’t only people I’m in romantic relationships with - my chosen family is a mix of friends, lovers, and others.
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Do you know your bandwidth right now?
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When I say, “bandwidth,” I mean the amount of energy - intellectual or emotional - you have available to you.
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We often blow our energetic bandwidth on small things throughout the day, and then we don’t take the time to recognize when we are running low - until we hit the empty wall and engage in unnecessary conflict.
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It’s kind of like being emotionally hangry. You don’t mean to be a jerk face, but you are because your emotional blood sugar is low.
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There are two ways to be thoughtful about bandwidth. The first is asking someone you’re talking to if they have the emotional energy. This will encourage them to check in, and remind you to check in on yourself.
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The second way is to be clear about what you need out of a particular communication: do you just want to be listened to, or are you looking for advice? By clarifying this, you preserve the emotional work of having to figure it out within the conversation.
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Do yourself a favor and protect your bandwidth by doing one or both of the above (they are meta communication strategies). Being mindful now, saves up energy for later.
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